Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

Yes I have to say my experience is that me. Propose quickly if they feel it’s right

He really needs to listen to his dad. His ex has made it clear she's done, and for good reason, so he needs to stop harassing her. It's not a good look and she could rightfully get the police involved if he refuses to stop.

Poor girl, she just wanted to make sure she and him were on the same page. All very normal for her age. And he showed he wasn't. Why should she wait for him? Why is the man in control of her destiny?

I bet they've had the conversation quite a few times and this was the final straw. She can't waste more years on him if he won't commit.

Good for her for knowing what she wants.

Could she have not done this to make him realise what he has lost and force him into a proposal 🤷‍♀️
I have to say she is being very strong if she loved him one minute enough to get married to him and then not enough the next to end things and kick him out. Surely you don’t fall out of love that quick.
Could she be playing a game?
if not I have to say hats off to her for ending it when she must still love him. I wonder what he would have said if he knew it was the ultimatum it turned out to be!

Shock Horror, perhaps she left him for nobody

I had an ex GF who didnt even manage to move in with me and eventually the whole business went cold.

I was 10 years her junior but she lost any opportunity she might have had to have children

The conversation when he called her silly happened a while ago so it's not like she tried to discuss marriage on Saturday and dumped him on Sunday.

There's also nothing to say she doesn't love him - not wanting to stay with someone who belittles her when she tries to discuss the future is a sensible choice even if she is still smitten.

Your husband sounds very sensible to me. If your son keeps contacting her against her wishes he could end up with a restraining order against him.

Yes. It’s perfectly possible that the GF just felt that being single was preferable to being with him. That’s a tough pill to swallow—much tougher than ‘she’s cruel and he dodged a bullet’—but there you go. The idea that she’s pulled a crafty one and lined up his replacement already might make some people feel vindicated, but it doesn’t mean it’s what’s happened. As for him having to move out immediately, that’s just good sense. If he’s so much better off without her he should have no trouble finding his feet again in short order.

“And the break up just come out of nowhere”

I love how you think that your son has all the time in the world to propose but she’s getting on a bit to be starting again. You have raised a belter there. Well done.

People thinking she's moved on quickly is a sign of her having someone else- honestly, she's probably been building up the 'conversation' in her head for a while, and she was prepared for the 'no' to mean the end of the relationship. She'd come to terms with that long before the day of that conversation. She was prepared.

She's got a goal in mind. Maybe she already knew that it was going to be a no. Maybe she does have her eyes on someone else but would have settled down if he was ready to do so. At her age, I was at a similar crossroads and could have gone one way or another. She's got time to see if there's other people out there, or time to go enjoy being single a while while finding her feet again.

He's hurt at the moment but hopefully he learns from it. He's at an age where women are wanting to plan; if they want a family they will want a timeline. If HE wants a family he needs to start thinking of these things, too.

She probably doesn't have anyone else. Just decided when he called her silly in their conversation that she wasn't going to go into another year of waiting for a ring.

It was clear he had zero intentions so she ended it.

I’m team son.

He’s completely allowed to feel the way he felt when she asked him if he wanted to marry her.

He felt the gf putting pressure on him and he sounds like he did not want to feel under pressure.

If the genders were reversed no-one would support a man applying pressure to a woman to get married.

The many posters supporting team gf because she knows what she wants are prime hypocrites.

If the gf wanted marriage she could have:
a) started the conversation a second and a third time.
b) proposed an engagement to him
c) proposed marriage to him.

It sounds like the gf stewed on one conversation and without a series of conversations or distress flares she went ahead and ended everything giving him very little notice.

That’s not marriage and partnership material behaviour. That’s not kindness in action.
And that certainly was not love in action.
The now ex-gf had only her needs in mind and clearly didn’t care about his feelings/wants and needs.

The conversation could have been the starting point of a beautiful dialogue of understanding each other’s needs, triggers, desires and vulnerabilities.

But no, the gf had to pull the trigger.

There’s another man somewhere, and she’s interested, I guarantee it.

The 30 year old son is well away from such petulant and childish behaviour.

She got a proposal out of him, and said no. She would have said yes if her intention was to force him.

“Surely you don’t fall out of love that quick.“

Of course you can. I have. Love can turn off in an instant, and when that happens there’s no point in dragging the corpse along.

I was going to write so much to your comment because a lot of it is wrong but then I saw your username and that explained a lot

If he keeps pestering her, she is justified in filing for a restraining order. He really needs to leave her alone

Indeed, true love is not transient, it is very deep and those truly in love can forgive almost anything - its not that common though, for most it is a fairly superficial emotion and can indeed switch off rather easily.

Very true, he needs to tread very carefully now - as I said upthread OP would do well to help him get moved out before her return from Poland and then have no further contact with her.

The conversation could have been the starting point of a beautiful dialogue of understanding each other’s needs, triggers, desires and vulnerabilities.

You mean the one months ago where he said he wasn't going to be held to 'silly timelines'? Where he shut her down and didn't listen? This isn't a man who does beautiful dialogue. This is a man who mocks his girlfriend and doesn't take her desires seriously. A man who thinks the power is with him, while living in someone else's home.

If she had started the conversation over and again, that would be applying pressure. She didn't do that. And if she had, he would likely have said she was nagging him.

I hope there is another man somewhere. And adult one who knows how to cherish her and value her. I don't think there is necessarily though. I think it is more likely she has taken her time to think about this and decided this relationship has run it's course.

Ah, the age-old mantra of “true love”, aimed at guilt-tripping women into tolerating shitty behaviour.

See also “love means never having to say you’re sorry” 🤮

That shit doesn’t wash any more. Do better or fuck off 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think she wanted out and had to give a justification, so she chose the lack of marriage proposal reason (perhaps unwisely). There’s no going back from this. They’ve both got to move on.

It works both ways, and has nothing to do with "guilt-tripping" I'm lucky enough to live it every day - and it has nothing to do with saying sorry and reflecting - if you haven't experienced it, sadly you won't know what its like.

This is exactly what I was going to say in response to that comment. You have expressed it much better than I would have.

I accidentally clicked YANBU on the poll on the first thread. Obviously I meant to click YABU.

I think we have all seen countless stories like this. So glad the ex-girlfriend chose to avoid ending up like this.