Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

Not accepting his insulting offer to go buy a ring, after he made clear he isn't interested in marrying her, just to stop her ending the relationship in no way suggests she's looking for a "showy" proposal.

She just wants to be marrying someone who actually wants to marry her. Not someone who labelled her as silly when she wanted to discuss future with him.

I even admire her a little as well because no one - man or woman - wants to feel like they've had to force their partner into marriage. She's right to go looking for someone who is clear about whether they want to marry her.

Exactly.

Ridiculous. It was a panic proposal. Nobody wants a panic proposal and a shut up ring.
She wants a man who WANTS to marry her
and is excited to do so.

But the GF wanted to get married! And she did put the question of marriage in front of him. And he, the BF, didn't say he didn't want marriage, he said he didn't want,' silly time lines'.

And she did propose.
She asked him if he wanted to marry her and discuss timeframes.

He Shot down the discussion as “silly”.

This!

Your DH seems like he has the full handle on the situation whereas you & your DS are still living in cloud cuckoo land!

I think if she wants to get married and he doesn’t then she has done the right thing. 27 is very young to meet someone else and have kids.
But…I don’t think in future generations as many people are going to get married. I don’t think it is something people “have to” do. I think couples have that conversation in the beginning then that would avoid anyone being messed around or made to wait, which isn’t nice.
I wouldn’t get married now for financial reasons. Eg I want my children to inherit from me not a future husband. That doesn’t mean I am being disrespectful to my partner of 4 years or that I’m not committed. Marriage isn’t right in every situation.

So without all the facts I think:
If he led her on and said early on that he did want to get married and didn’t propose then that’s awful.
If they agreed not to get married but she changed her mind then that’s fair enough and completely fine that she ended it.

But if he hasn’t promised anything and wasn’t ready to get married yet/ didn’t want to get married then I think that’s his choice and also her choice to end it because of that. It does sound like he was saying it would happen in the future at a time of his choosing rather than saying he was against marriage from the start though which isn’t very fair.

The only point I’m trying to make is that I think it’s fine for people to not want to get married as long as they are clear about this and don’t mess people around. It’s also fine for people to decide that’s not good enough for them and to walk away. I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to get married though when so many marriages don’t work out. It shouldn’t just be assumed that everyone will get married.

And in the meantime, Mumsy wanted to get in touch with her to tell her to pull herself together, that she was getting too old to expect to make a good match anywhere else and settle for what Mummy's Little Darling was willing to give her. She's dodged an entire firing squad!

I’m glad she didn’t bend up like someone I know, whose BF kept saying ‘It’s just a piece of paper!’ for 9 years, before going off with someone else and marrying them less than 12 months later.

Your son needs to leave her alone.

Also from the previous thread: "she did ask him if he wanted to marry her". He said no not right now and that timelines were silly.

That was her instigating it. She asked, he answered. I don't know why you're surprised that she would decide to move on after establishing that they wanted very different things.

Also what has Christmas got to do with it? She decided she wanted to end the relationship. Should she stay with him (and keep sleeping with him) for a few extra weeks because of a random holiday?

Is he upset about having to move out and cook his own meals? Or upset he didn't dump her before she dumped him?

How is it, that in a clear cut, thoroughly outlines situation, some people still wilfully manage to read it so wrong.

My DH’s best friend dumped his GF of 10 years. They met at similar time to DH and I. Our timeline was moving in, engagement in 2 years, married, travel and bought a house. (Outside of that timeframe we had a DC).

For 10 years that woman waited for a commitment to move in! She should have done what OP’s ex-future DIL did and pulled the pin early on. The best friend is still chasing women, not committed, lives with his mum and he is now in his mid-40s.

She had a lucky escape no one wants to be with a boy whose mummy feels she has the right to talk for him.

In fairness OP had the sense not to do this, and I honestly do understand it will be awful to see DS so upset, but in light of his mum's heavy involvement - and this with a 30 year old man - I do wonder if there were any other red flags for the ex ...

Tell your son to stop being a needy loser. He should’ve played it cool and had a conversation when she returned. He screwed himself. He needs to have some self-respect. The fact she hadn’t booted him out immediately meant there was still a chance, now. Well, he’s screwed now isn’t he. Life lesson learned I hope.

She did instigate it and he belittled her. He only said he'd get a ring because she dumped him.

Dh sounds very sensible.

I hope DS feels better soon and moves on quickly

We don’t know that she was or is in any sort of rush to get married. She may have been quite happy to wait a few years, or hell, maybe she was questioning whether or not she was really invested in the relationship anymore, and wanted to know where he stood. OP’s son didn’t bother to engage in conversation long enough to find out though, he just completely shut her down.

She was asking him if he saw marriage in their future, and if so on what sort of timeline. That’s a ‘where do you think we’re going?’ conversation, hardly a demand for a ring by X date and no later.

Someone who was actually trying to force him into marriage before he was ready would have accepted his panicked proposal.

She's done a marvellous job for your future DIL OP.

He's going to treat the next girlfriend so much better and appreciate what he has instead of taking her for granted.

Try to see it as a good thing. He really wasn't that into her but when he meets 'the one' he won't drag his heels.

I wish him all the best for the future.

Nothing more unappealing than somebody who rejected and mocked you at your most vulnerable (ie, asking about if marriage/a proposal was on the horizon) to then show that he could have done it at any point only when she's already well and truly fallen out of love with him. Except for when they refuse to leave as they 'haven't got anywhere to go, I'll have to sleep in the park if you make me go now - IT'S CHRISTMAS' and then bombard you, showing that there is absolutely no respect for your decision.

I've experienced it (from somebody who was very similar with the gameplaying when it actually mattered to me). It's amazing how they suddenly decide they can't exist without you once their free housing is revoked and they're looking at moving into their old bedroom with a faded Power Rangers quilt cover and three boxes of stuff ready to go up into the loft once the tree's brought down on the bed.

She fell out of love when he mocked her and she realised that he'll never, ever be somebody she can trust not to hurt her. It took a few weeks for him still around quite happy that she had finally shut up about something so stupid as wanting to be married (and giving him a legal entitlement towards her property, pensions and savings, by the way). And that meant she could see all of him in cold, clear daylight - his selfishness, his belief that she's punching up, that he could do whatever he liked and she'd meekly go along with it because he was so fantastic.

Next part in the script of the dumped man child is 'She dumped me for another man'. Because they can't conceive that a woman would ever be capable of making a decision without somebody else's cock and balls doing her thinking for her. Which turns into 'She was cheating on me for months and dumped me at Christmas AND I'D BOUGHT HER A RING'.

I waited and waited for my fiance to actually agree to the wedding. One day I just realised, he wasn't going to do it. The ring was to 'shut me up' basically. I kidded myself it's because he wasn't interested in marriage.

18 months later he walked down the aisle with someone else after 10 years with me. He just hadn't wanted to marry ME. A harsh lesson.

I might add we are still very close, he's like my brother really, and we still talk. Once, after a few drinks, he admitted he screwed things up and he was sorry. He proposed to his now wife because he didn't want to mess up twice (fair enough)

We are both now happily married to other people but I would always tell people, he's just not that into you - move on!

This was my first thought probably because twenty odd years ago I was the girlfriend in this scenario and that's what happened with me. My ex and I had been together longer (7 years ) but were younger (both 25) and I just got tired of waiting. I did love him and I do think he would have married me eventually but given that he met someone a year later and still didn't marry her for another 8 years, I still think I made the right decision. I was engaged within a few months and married 18 months later - I was just ready for that and he wasn't.