Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

I doubt it's the first time marriage as a subject has been raised between this couple before. It'd be really unusual for a couple who have been together three years and live together where neither of them has mentioned that they'd like to get married and/or have children in the future.

OP's son's reaction to his GF wanting to discuss their future was a crisis point. Not that anyone needs one, but this was a very good reason to break off a relationship.

Good on her for not putting up with being summarily dismissed by a man who felt entitled to treat her with such contempt for her feelings and hopes for them both as a future couple.

Since when begging to stay is overstepping? He's not a robot who just accepts whatever decision is forced on him, he might have realized his mistake. I agree though that begging is not dignified and he should have respected HIMSELF more.

It really doesn't seem obvious to me.

It sounds as though she feels she is being taken for granted by someone who doesn't want to commit while he lives in her home.

She wanted to know where he thought the relationship was headed and he refused to discuss it. The relationship is clearly over if he won't discuss it.

Him doing the "huff, huff - well I'll buy a ring if it makes you happy" - only made matters worse. His interest in rings only emerged when he discovered he'd need to find his own housing. What woman wants a pity proposal from a commitment-phobe?

Why does there need to by anyone else involved? She's just got the ick and doesn't want to be strung along for another 3 years - 5 years - 10 years. She's doing the right thing to look for someone who will want to marry her and not drag his feet.

I think it was his relentless calling and begging while she is at a Christmas market in Poland - it became too much and she had to block him.

It sounds like his behaviour was worrying/scary to her so she didn't feel comfortable having him in her home any longer.

This exactly.

I also suspect that there has been a history of the OPs son showing selfish behaviour, and a lack of care for his GF. It's so common, these guys think they can just coast, but best case scenario the GF wakes up to the fact they've been doing the heavy lifting for both of them and leaves him.

Men like OP's son aren't able to reflect that things could have gone very differently if they'd just put in the effort and treated the GF as a person who they actually cared about, instead of a convenience they say they 'love'.

Since when begging to stay is overstepping?

When it's continual as in the son's case, which could/should be construed as harrassment. She has had to block him for goodness sake! Personally, I would say if one party pleads to stay together and is refused, from then on any further "begging" is overstepping

He's not a robot who just accepts whatever decision is forced on him

That's the sort of thing toxic masculinity promoters say in their stupid yet dangerous videos. Yes, men do have to accept decisions "forced" 🙄on them when a woman isn't interested or rather they should and it's illegal if they don't and carry on not accepting her decision and boundaries. Obviously the same goes for women - funnily enough we don't seem to get as many videos promoting that behaviour in women for some reason? 🤔

When it's been made clear the relationship is over.

No means no. Yes, he does have to accept her decision. When he didn't take no for an answer, he was trying to control her. Her life, her place, her decision.

Since when is begging overstepping? Are you serious? You actually think that the GF should put up with his continuing harassment of calling and messaging when she’s told him no?

You’re right people aren’t robots, which is why she’s decided to end the relationship after his attitude towards her.

THe self respect he can learn for HER, because she’s got plenty of it.

Yes exactly I agree with pp. It’s very strange wording to say this “decision was forced on him”. Breaking up with someone doesn’t require their consent.

And if he was smart he would have tried to arrange to sit down and talk to her about it if he thought there was any chance for them.

Not sending a string of texts or calls when she’s on holiday.

@Anuta77 do you have any idea how disruptive and unpleasant that is? It’s all about him and what he wants though, she was probably turned off further by those actions.

Considering you get women who complain about men stringing them on for 5,6,7 years -and more in their 20s and 30s perhaps she wanted to cut her losses now. Many women want to conceive before 35 so don’t want to just be drifting along with a partner who doesn’t want to set a timeline.

Fertility considerations aside, if a woman is ready for marriage after 3 years and he isn’t ready to propose or at least have a proper discussion about timelines , it’s understandable a woman wouldn’t feel great about that at any age. Some women don’t want to feel they have had to talk or force a man into marriage.

Also men are not famously great communicators when it comes to sharing relationship stuff with their mum. It’s very possible there have been other issues which the gf has raised and he treated it with the same dismissiveness as he did when she spoke about marriage.

I'm also curious about why the OP's first post was asking if "I" was being unreasonable and I asked the question Is the OP really the son?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5460505-son-dumped-by-girlfriend-because-i-hadnt-proposed

OP, I do undetstand why you want to make it all better, you love your son and his pain hurts you. Watching your child, regardless of age, suffer kills us parents. I went through it with one of my ds's, when he was heartbroken as I'm sure many readers have with their dc. All you can really do is be supportive and don't criticise her. Nothing but time or meeting a new partner can really make his pain lessen. Your dh is wise and being sensible. Best wishes.

You obviously haven’t read my posts. I was making a separate point

You dint need mutual consent to end a relationship.
And begging becomes too much when it feels like harassment to the recipient.
He might not like her decision but he does have to accept it.

I completely disagree i don’t think marrying after 5 months means you have met the right person. It’s the honeymoon phase. In your case you did and it worked out well. But that would not be the case for everyone. If you wait a bit it doesn’t necessarily mean you are not with the right person OR the wrong person. It doesn’t mean anything it’s just personal preference for some people.

She explains it was a typo in her second post but I think it's a bit of a Freudian slip.

I can feel sorry for anyone with a broken heart - it’s a horrible feeling. However the gf is not at fault here, she spoke with him about their relationship and what she wants from life. He didn’t take the conversation seriously. She’s come to terms with it and ended it.

She hasn’t been unreasonable. She’s 27 and wants (by the sounds of it) marriage and babies. Shes biologically, mentally, emotionally and financially ready and isn’t willing to waste time on someone who won’t even have a conversation about a timeline. Good on her.

Your DH might be a tad too blunt but your DS is learning tough lesson which hopefully will serve him well in the future.

I didn't see any mention of a typo anywhere.

She does he just have to accept?

Well clearly when someone dumps you. You can’t just go no sorry don’t accept it 😂 like your dumped get lost. Ending a relationship is very much no means no.

Continued messages and calls when you’ve been dumped and clearly told no a few more times for good measure is stomping all over boundaries and harassment.

Who wants to date a man that won’t take no for an answer… Wouldn’t bode well for the future.

Of course he has to accept whatever decision is made. No means no, it’s over means erm it’s over.

What’s next…sorry your honour I’m not a robot so don’t have to accept any decision forced on me that’s why I continued having sex with her even when she told me no multiple times?

If you have children I pity them, being raised to ignore someone when they say no, and to give in when someone is begging them - although I’d say it’s clear you have boys and you are raising them in a dangerous manner which you clearly can’t accept.

When does begging to stay tip over into scary, abusive behaviour? My daughter was stalked by her ex boyfriend when she finished with him. Police were involved - they gave him chance after chance but he wouldn't stop and it ended up in court. It was terrifying for all of us.

And no responses to the several people asking 🤔

It’s the OP’s second post on first thread.

This waiting around for years before marriage is all very well if you meet as teens or early twenties or if you are a man but anyone else if they want a family doesn’t have this luxury.

I hope so