Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

That doesn’t sound fair to me- she’s away with a friend, probably on a pre-booked trip, and probably hoping for a chance to clear her head, and instead she’s got your son refusing to respect her boundaries and leave her alone for a few days. And you just sound like you’re enabling him, tbh. He’s reaping what he’s sewn, let him learn from this.

You know what he was thinking?? Wow, that’s a skill and a half.

“Women may not have forever”

Does that mean that men must plan their lives by womens’ timetables?

My husband must’ve missed school the day lads were taught that.

No everyone has the right to live to a timetable they want but that comes with consequences and that is what he needs to learn from this - long term relationships need compromise to survive and if you don’t want to compromise for someone then they aren’t the right person

OP should be advising him that at the moment he is in a heightened state and is figuring out what next having been made homeless. They both need time to work out if they want to be together and that includes him working out if this reaction is just the break up

No, it means the woman can leave if it doesn't fit her timetable. He was asked to discuss the issue, he dismissed it. In fact he said that HE would set the time when HE felt he was ready. Surely, women aren't expected to plan their lives by the man's timetable either.

No but they need to be mindful that if they want children then women DO have a timeline. Do men really need to be taught that?

Of course not everyone is the same but, honestly, surely you should know after THREE years and at least some of that time living together, how you feel about each other? It's pretty strange not to.

If they were 18 and 19 I could understand it although I have known several couples of that age not take forever to get engaged and then married

Yep. That was really all she was asking, not a ring on her finger and a big white wedding in six months. I was with my DH for five years before we got married but we discussed our future, we knew we wanted to be married to each other but we wanted to get on the housing ladder first, get a bit further along in our jobs so we were a bit more financially stable, that sort of thing. But there was a plan in place and a verbal commitment made, after about a year! This poor girl waited three years while the OP's son just drifted along and when she asked to have a conversation, she was dismissed. Now she is free to find someone who can give her what she wants, good for her for knowing what she wants and going after it. If he wants to just drift along in life with no thought for the future, he needs to find a woman who has the same mindset. But as PP have pointed out, he is going to find that harder as he gets older.

Disagree with this. She loved him enough to want to make a life with him. He messed her around. Why should she waste her fertile years waiting for 'the right time'?

He's gone into overdrive now because he's going to have to jump off the gravytrain, shame on him.

Well that is young. I think at 27/30 they are still young. My firend got engaged at 18 and everyone (especially her parents) was shocked. But we're all different and have different expectations. We got together at 19/21 and DH proposed 11 years later - I wasn't itching for him to propose in those intervening years, but, I suppose, I always knew we'd be together for life (maybe naively after reading some MN threads! Fortunately I was right (so far😄)).

What’s the chances that he’ll find someone else (rebound?) within the next twelve months, and he’ll be married within a year?!

Suspect it’s not just this incident. We’re just hearing about one incident. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who says the things I care about are “silly.” She’s quite smart to finish with him straight off rather than dragging it out.

She did propose to him. He said no way, basically. So on that answer she broke up with him. All perfectly logical. There is nothing wrong with him not wanting to get married, there is nothing wrong with her wanting to get married. Now they are both free to find a person whose expectations are more aligned with each of theirs.

A man in a relationship with a woman who wants children will need to bear in mind her potential “timetable’.

Neither are unreasonable to want marriage and children / not want marriage and children, but the relationship is probably incompatible.

And at 27, it is a normal age to be thinking long term, family planning, etc..

You’ve got way to much time in your hands and I seriously over invested!

🤣🤣

I agree with the poster above you. She wanted to marry him 3 months ago and now feels so cold to block him.

She seems like one of those fiercely practical people with low level of emotional attachment that she blocked him. It seems like she wants to get married by certain age and as OP’s son didn’t propose or provide any timeline for proposal.

OP’s son didn’t handle well the conversation about tentative time line, but I don’t think he deserves this level of coldness. To not allow a conversation shows that there wasn’t real attachment in the relationship from her side.

I didn’t see anyone else comment this point yet:

You think that the GF asking about settling down is putting pressure on him, and yet you think she should have repeatedly asked another 2 times, plus 2 proposals of engagement and then marriage. That is the definition of wearing them down.

If he called the conversation “silly”, then he clearly doesn’t have her wants and needs in mind - why shouldn’t see prioritise her own?

Huh? She blocked him because he wouldn’t stop texting and calling begging her to change her mind. She told him it was ‘too much’ and blocked him as a result.

Do you honestly think that’s cold? What should she do, just keep being on the receiving end of that until he stops of his own accord?

All the blame is on the poor lad and everyone is for the woman who is not poor at all!
Asking to be given a chance by the man whom you supposedly wanted to marry is not harassment, it's not like he did it for weeks, sounds like one or 2 days! She probably met someone new and she has the right. I hope the OP's son works on himself and meets a better woman.

Also you say she didn’t allow a conversation?

She instigated a conversation asking to talk about the future and see if they were on the same page with timings at all.

He said that was silly and dismissed it. He told her he’d do it when he was ready with the implication being that she would need to just wait and that she shouldn’t raise it again.

Do you think that was a respectful approach from him that showed the sort of mature, thoughtful attachment one would expect from a 30 year old man after 3 years together?

Yes and he made a mistake by not understanding that last time they had a discussion about timeline, but he came to his senses and was ready ti but ring while it wasn’t the way she wanted, so it’s not just about having kids.

By the time she will find someone good, start a relationship and get proposed it will be another few years, so not sure it is simply about the clock ticking. It is about having very high standards about how she should have been proposed. Assuming she wanted to marry him 3 months ago, I guess she does not see any other problems in relationship.

Careful, you’ll get your post highlighted and returned to you with that sort of talk 🤣🤣🤣

See mine above!

Spot the mothers of indolent sons on the thread.

Committed men commit. If he doesn’t, well there’s the answer.

Yes but after 3 years together and wanting to marry him, she could have allowed him a chance to have a conversation when she informed him about break up before heading to a party. Are you this rigid? This is a man she wanted to marry and have kids with, he made a mistake. Now saying don’t be silly is a relationship leaving insult. He took her for granted but he was also not that important to her to treat him this way.

To be fair your Husband is correct, I wouldn’t have too much sympathy either.

I cant wait for their future daughter in laws to find Mumsnet 😂😂🍿