Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

Young ages? DH and I got engaged after 3 years of dating, and I was 22!

I met him at 20 what you take on a 20 you don’t want at 28. In a band no job, looking back there was probably Coercive control. Hiding my makeup, buying old lady jumpers old lady perfume isolating me from family. Do think his mom was toxic she didn’t want him to get married actually said she had bought him a new bed, but forgot to buy him a birthday card. In some ways realise the time in 80’s & 90’s it what Society expected. I worked really hard bought a house on my own at 23 he contributed nothing. The longer we were together the less I felt cherished. Access to forums like this were not available.you felt on your own.

Agree v much with you re lessons to be learned. This is why his DFs tough love was helpful.

DS is 30 now, so if he would like another cohabiting relationship then this is what's likely to happen within his 'pool'. Even if he ends up with someone a few years younger again, the issue of commitment is liable to come up again. It's something he would do well to be prepared for, even if he doesn't necessarily want to get married.

He could have said yes let’s talk about this as I think we may be on different pages timeline wise. Then they could have had an adult and respectful heart to heart. Dismissing it as silly timelines and not being clear in his intentions is a good enough reason to think, I’m done.

@SerafinasGoose you probably wouldn't have interfered because you have commonsense which we've seen in your posts in the past - sorry to sound like a 'stalker' but I recognise your username!

I have 2 older sons and we never get involved in any nitty gritty emotional stuff with GFs. One DS was devastated when his GF broke up with him the morning after a good friend of his had died in a RTA (which she knew) - he was 18. She was spectacularly selfish at times (there were many) - the first time I met her mum I was shocked that she told me she was selfish and self-centred (turns out she was spot on) - I actually got on OK with her in a superficial way. Funnily enough we did get a letter later from her dad telling us what a lovely lad DS was and how much he was going to miss him! That must be a first surely? Another time my DS was asked to go 'on a break' by his GF, which seemed OK except this went on for over 5 months (with her umming and aahing) - we did advise him to call it a day, but he was prepared to hang on. Once he was coming around to the fact that it was over and was getting on with his life and being active and outgoing, she then wanted to try again, which they did, but it was short-lived as he realised quite quickly it was a mistake and his feelings had changed - he said they felt more like buddies than GF/BF now - so he ended it. She wanted to stay in touch with him and go out together 'as friends', but he wasn't keen and tactfully told her this - they share a social group so he does see her around to have a chat. We never got involved in any drama (there was a bit more to it). During the 'break' DH asked me if I wanted to ring GF's mum to get her perspective - that was a definite nope from me.

Sorry to have gone on a bit!!

So true. Its like that film ' Hes just not that into you' or whatever its called.

I know someone who repeatedly dumped women, couldnt commit blah blah. Then within months got someone else pregnant and married them.

Honestly, at age 30 your husband is right. Women have a biological clock. They can't wait forever.

The marriage is a red herring. What he didn’t show was a future, or a life plan. ie. Let’s move to a house then get married etc.

No one said they had to be married straight away, hell she didn’t. She asked him whether he saw the relationship going and if he saw marriage in the future, and if so on what sort of timeline. That isn’t a ‘marry me now!’ conversation, that’s a ‘so what are our future plans?’ one. He failed to respect her enough to engage in even that, letting her know that he was quite content to carry on coasting along aimlessly. In her house.

His response doesn’t exactly suggest that he’s a man that know what he wants in life, with has future goals he’s actively aspiring to achieve, does it? I wonder if that also translates to other aspects of his life. If so, it’s no surprise that she didn’t find it particularly attractive.

I’m not sure why some posters think that she never loved him, as if falling out of love isn’t something that people do.

This.

He thought she would just wait around forever. Women don't have forever.

Difference is you let the chat happen.

He completely dis.iss3d any discussion as "silly".

If you had the chat you can find tou where each others thoughts are on the subject and can decide obviously marriage isn't right at the moment, but something to revisit in a year or so.

But being dismissed completely, told it will be done on his terms and not even being able to discuss the topic was too much.

They were not just going out though, they were living together. If you don't know after 3 years how you feel then there is something wrong.

How long do you think couples should wait? Maybe 3 years is not a long time before getting married (although many do get married quicker than 3 years and are happy) but not to just be getting engaged. They undoubtedly would have a long engagement as that also seems to be the norm now.

He can get sympathy but it doesn’t mean he can’t hear the truth.

27 is prime dating years, why waste them with someone who won’t talk about a timeline for marriage.

he’ll be fine.

You have got to be a man. This is how a man thinks. I am a woman & I tried for years to find out when after 8yrs my BF would marry me having told me over the years it would happen. He then told me he lied that he never wanted to be married. I wanted to separate he wouldn’t go, so then he goes & cheats. I loved him & never spoke to him again. No man waiting in the wings, I had got to a point that I realised I deserved better.

Too many women act the lemming just sitting and hoping like they don’t have agency. Usually for a guy who is unsure or waiting for something better.

I'd be interested to know if he was paying rent or putting their salaries into a joint account - if they were splitting bills but he wasn't paying anything for his accommodation then she has already saved him a great deal of money while they were living together, so he has actually got a cash bonus from her property ownership already.

I think your son wasn't listening to his partner. She must have expressed beforehand that she wanted marriage. Perhaps her putting her cards on the table was a much bigger deal than he realised. It was ultimatum time for her and he took it as insignificant.

It's a harsh lesson for him.

Hardly rushing into something when they have been together 3 years is it? He must know whether he believes in marriage or not and should, by now, know whether she is the one he wants to marry.

She wanted to get engaged not get married next week

I honestly think, particularly at those ages, if couples don't know whether they want to be married or not then they are probably not with the right person.

When we met I was 25 and DH was 23. We knew very quickly we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and got married 5 months after meeting. We didn't live together first either. We have been married 45 very happy years.

Most of our friends who waited years before getting engaged and then more years before getting married are divorced!

Or used by mothers with sons who fucked up.

27 and 30 are not that young and she was not wanting to get married after 3 years but engaged.

I wouldn't be waiting around for 3 years for a proposal that's for sure

I’ve been fascinated by this thread. If I had sat my DP down and said I’d like us to have a future together and make long term plans and his reply had been ‘No thanks’, I would have assumed he didn’t love me and the relationship was over.

I want the person I live with to be excited about being with me, delighted to announce that to the world and enthusiastic about what our life will look like. If DS didn’t feel like that, she’s done him a favour. She’s certainly done herself one.

And three years which also includes living together so spending every night and weekend together isn’t long enough? Surely you know by then?

As for the PP who said she could have asked him a second time, then a third time. WTAF - how low do you want her to feel?

That’s a lot of “ifs”

What else are you inventing: Was he already married, ortrans? She’d won the lottery maybe?

Unbelievable…

Yes, and he's now ageing out of being able to ignore that.

There's nothing wrong with him preferring and seeking out a flatmates with sex type relationship in the future, rather than a bigger commitment, if that's what he likes. Plenty of people do. It's just that as time passes, it's not something that can be assumed. Certainly there are couples who live like that in their 30s. But unless he's unusually attractive or charismatic, his days of being able to not think about this stuff at all and just live in someone else's house are probably over.

He may not be in the best place to take that on board this very minute, but it's important he does emerge from this having learned that lesson. Otherwise he may end up with the same problem 4 years down the line, equally heartbroken because he didn't realise there's often a time limit on how long you can hope to live with a partner with no thought for the long term.

It isn't necessarily about marriage either. If for example he'd said he didn't want to do it without owning a joint property but he would like to speak to a mortgage advisor about what he could borrow, that would've been something tangible.

But not an untruth. He is a gown man you are treating him like a child. You have raised a man/child. You are not helping him step up to become an adult & have respect for other people’s feelings. He has not been kind to someone who he has been with for 3yrs. You are encouraging that behaviour. She seems like the catch not him. Otherwise if he was an adult he would have his own house & he hasn’t.

Good for you not everyone is the same