Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

It's not, like, eons, but at their age it's within a general frame of reasonableness to be discussing the future. And to not find the concept of a legal commitment something to be dismissive about. Because even if he genuinely didn't want to marry, there's a way to have that conversation like a grown up and in a way that gives agency to both partners.

Even if one thinks, like you, that it isn't that long or are like me and was about to get married at that point, it's pretty much middle ground.

Also as far as breaking up before Christmas I know what her thought process was there as I have done the same thing. I knew things were over with my ex and I wanted to wait until after Christmas because I felt as if it was the kind thing to do. Realistically it was much harder than this. I was making myself sick thinking about putting on a smile and lying to him.

It isn’t just Christmas but it’s new year too. I felt like such a fraud bringing in the new year with someone I knew I was going to break up with imminently. I thought it through and I thought the better thing to do was to break up before Christmas as I didn’t want to blindside him after a nice festive season. I don’t regret it and feel I did the right thing. We lived together and don’t went back to our own parents over the holidays. It was hard but we both got over it.

I agree it’s not something to be dismissive about but it’s also not something one should be rushing into either if both aren’t clearly in agreement about it . It is what is it. She’s right to leave if she doesn’t want to hang around but he’s not wrong for rushing into things when he wasn’t ready either.

I disagree. My ex would say the same. He was blindsided, I was cold, etc. I had been trying to talk to him for a long time but he either dismissed me or shut me down. When I decided I was done, I was done.

Some men only realize things are bad once you kick them out, which for many women is too late.

That’s not fair. I was in a relationship the same as the girl in your story except I was with him for 8 years. He had always said we would get married. He then towards the end told me he lied as he knew I would leave. I had tried to separate but he wouldn’t go. The lying made me feel less than. In the end he cheated with someone with the same name. Even though I dumped him because of the cheating it took me years to get over the betrayal not so much for the cheating as that actually didn’t surprise me as his mom backed the brother when he cheated. He never worked, lived in my house over the years took me for granted. I never spoke to him again went wild for a couple of years. I never married or had children. Had relationships but still picked shit men.
so your comment she never loved him, no she probably had to learn how to love herself more she probably been telling him for ages what she wanted he took her love for granted.

Of course he shouldn't agree to marry if he doesn't feel ready, but he also ought to have communicated that in a more adult way. And that's a separate point to your initial one about the timeframe.

Three years is long enough to make discussion about the future a reasonable expectation. There are lots of ways that could happen, but he didn't manage any of them.

Ugh that’s sad sorry you were treated like that. If you don’t mind me asking why do you think you tolerated that for so long?

I agree with this : so your comment she never loved him, no she probably had to learn how to love herself more she probably been telling him for ages what she wanted he took her love for granted.

I remember a guy I thought I was in love with treated me very poorly at his birthday party in my 20s. I won’t go into what he did but think drugs, other girls etc.

I left immediately without a backwards glance. He remarked I can’t ever have loved him and I recall discussing it with my then best friend who said “it’s not that you don’t love him, it’s that you love yourself more”.

For me three years isn’t long at all and I was with my husband 3 years at 27. He was 26 so I guess it’s a bit different but honestly if I had broached the topic at that stage I think it would have been too soon.That’s just me though everyone is different .

Absolutely this. 3 years is not that long to be bf and gf - goodness, are we living in the middle ages that we have to get married straightaway? And some people are not fussed about getting married, I wasn't and I honestly would have thought it strange if my bf asked for it and then dumped me because I didn't feel that bothered about it (especially after only 3 years).

He doesn't need sympathy, his dad is correct. If he had realised that he wanted to marry her, what was he waiting for? Three years is long enough to know whether a person is someone you can love long term, honeymoon period is over, and you see your partner clearly at this point. She had a conversation before with him, that was his cue to make a decision. He didn't, he lost the girl.

I'm finding this whole chain really saddening. I can't see how you think that a young woman who has taken several months to reach a decision & who then sticks by that decision despite being harassed by her ex is evidence of her not ever loving him.

She made her feelings really clear when she asked if they were going to get married & her feelings were dismissed & her request for a timeline tossed aside as being "silly". OP even thought that her newly single friend encouraged it rather than this young woman having a mind of her own.

Then in a fit of panic, OP wants to call her & "talk sense" into her because she is in danger (at 27) of being left on the shelf & he is harassing her to the point where she has to actually block him!!! that is shameful. If he meant it he would've taken his time & tried to win her back - prove he cares rather than bully her into submission.

every contact with her would've reinforced the fact she was absolutely making the right decision. I daresay they have both learned a lot from this - her that she her courage in her own convictions was well placed & him not to take people for granted & expect them to bend to his will.

OP - support your son but stop mollycoddling him - his father has absolutely the right attitude to the whole sorry tale

Yes 3 years obviously won't suit everyone, but my point was that it's reasonable middle ground to expect an adult discussion about the future at that age. Even people like us who don't fall within that middle ground can acknowledge that, especially for a couple well into adulthood.

Which doesn't have to mean engagement now either. It could be saying I dont know if it's ever what I want, I'd like to do X first, can we talk about getting a joint property before marriage- any of this could be ok. There are lots of ways to have an adult discussion about a 3 year relationship of sufficient seriousness to cohabit.

And then when women get to 35 and still no marriage or baby, we criticise them for not thinking about their fertility sooner.

But when they do try to take charge, we criticise them for rushing the poor men.

3 years, late 20s, perfect age to get engaged and talk kids.

Many people want to be married before they have children and a 3 year relationship and late twenties is a very sensible time to be thinking about that if it is important to you.

It isn't important to you and that's fine, but if it's important to your partner, don't be surprised if they leave you to find someone who is willing to make that commitment.

I already said fair play to her for leaving if she wanted to get married at that age. Not criticising anyone just saying for some people 3 years is a very short time to be discussing marriage . There is no “and then we” about it.

She means business and has been very clear that her decision is final. The most loving thing that your son can do for her now is to respect this.

I'm the mother of a son - still young, granted - but this thread has given me an eye opener into a later world in which I will not be interfering on any level with his personal relationships, whatever form they may take. I would not be doing him any favours whatsoever.

We all have personal autonomy over our decisions and their consequences. Painful lessons in love wait down the track for every single one of us as we go through life. Your son has just had a very big one and hopefully he'll derive some wisdom from it.

For now, his only recourse is to accept the situation and try to move on from it. It's not as though he has a choice.

I have to share my DD situation. She was cheated on. His excuse was that he got drunk and it meant nothing. Good for her she ended it and moved out. She had dodged a bullet, but his family knew that he had lost a gem (she is mine but it is true).

His mum decided to write them a long pleading letter about how she thought that they would “overcome their differences and that they would move on together”. In your dreams my dear!

Every now and again, like when I am cleaning the bathroom, I think about her silly letter. It makes me chuckle.

For some people, yes. I, for one. DH and I didn't marry for 10 years, primarily because at that time we had other priorities and marriage/family were certainly nowhere near the top of my list.

But evidently it's not too soon for her. People are different. There is no 'should'. She's made her wishes clear, has had her answer, and has acted accordingly.

Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.she’s right to stick to what she wants and leave the relationship . But the amount of people saying 3 years like as though it’s a huge amount of time when for some people it isn’t at all..

Classy arguments clearly and cleanly made, and all the stronger for the personal insults. Compellingly put, I’m now convinced that you’re right.

It's because 3 years is a reasonable and realistic middle ground to have a sensible discussion about future plans.

This doesn't mean it won't be way too early or late for some couples. Everyone gets that. It just means the GF wanting to do it then is bog standard and within normal range of expectation.

I understand what you are saying, I actually admire her for sticking to her guns and not hanging around, she is dead right, lots of women wouldn’t have the courage.there are lessons to be learned from this for him for sure.

The girlfriend can dump him for whatever reason she likes whenever she likes. We’ll never know her side of the story.

It's true though, isn't it? Maybe he won't fuck it up next time. Having his mummy say "there there, poppet" and tell him that his girlfriend is a big meany is not helpful at all. And actually it probably explains a lot about why he's in this situation in the first place.

His ex is not a kid. She's a woman in her late twenties who knows what she wants. Your son told her that he thought it was "silly" that she wanted to know he was on the same page in terms of life goals like marriage and children and when that would happen. Actually she sounds very sensible and wants to be the driver of her own life, not a passenger. Your son fumbled the opportunity to be with her. She might seem heartless to you, but actually your son did this to himself (and to her!) and this woman has likely already mourned the end of the relationship and uninvested herself emotionally.

Absolutely this!