Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

No, that's exactly what he should have been told. Sounds like your son realised his dad was right, though too late

I think the concept of a "timeline" is silly, but she had clearly indicated to him she wanted to marry sooner rather than later, and he failed to act on that.

However, I think he will long term have done well to swerve her, she's not long term relationship material if she can do a 180 and end it just like that - sure, he's been silly in his reaction to her discussing a timeline - but just quitting like she has at a bump in the road means any marriage would likely be very short lived.

He's better off out of it.

She’s totally long term relationship material. Values herself highly and doesn’t let herself be taken for a mug. She will likely make someone a great wife and will be a good strong mum who role models not being a wet lettuce hanging about for a man to her daughters.

I rather think my analysis is the right one seeing how devastated op and her son are at losing her!

he also needs straight talking. And i'm another who thinks that DH is right here.

You can do all the tea and sympathy if you want, but the person who is really helping your DS here is his dad.

Your sympathy and 'Oh she's not going to find a man now she's dumped you and she'll (presumably) come running back cos you're such a catch' attitude is going to do him no good. Some home truths from his dad is exactly what he needs.

Why's all the blame.going on the poor woman?

She waited and waited.
And even sat down and talked to him about how important this was to her- and she got a dumb reply back- I'll do it on my terms.

Then she waited some more.

She's rightly had enough and doesn't want an engagement only because he's been pushed into it.

I can see her point.

She tried to help him out by letting him stay for a few weeks but he kept harassing her.

He needs to realise what he's done so he doesn't make the same mistake next time.

If he really likes someone next time don't wait 3 years.

Eh? She's the one who wanted to commit and get married! The son was the one who isn't 'long term relationship ' material, as he was the one prepared to string her along- and when men do this it is invariably because they think they will be 'off the market' in the fantasy land in their head and they want to leave if someone better comes along. I hope you don't teach your daughters to wait around for a man forever while they dangle them on a string! Or for that matter teach your sons that they can do what they like because women are desperate !

Unless he's on the mortgage/ rental agreement it isn't his home. And it doesn't sound like he is.

Not at all. You see it all the time on here. Women who have left themselves completely financially screwed by cohabiting with men for years, having kids without marriage. They get called foolish and naive all the time. It doesn't matter which way round it is.

bloody hell, get your head out of your arse.

He pestered her - even though she ended it, and kindly said he could stay in HER house for a while - and so she told him to be gone when she got back.

Her self worth is spot on and i applaud her.

Tbh it was probably not a good idea to give the ability to stay in the flat. It was too generous and he got the wrong idea. He seems very slow, this ex boyfriend, and didn’t seem to realise his ex girlfriend has her own agency.

If she owns a flat at 27, she is probably a very good catch. That is someone tenacious and driven. They do not sound like a good match

Haha

Of course she must have found someone else rather than being sick of waiting for him after more than 3 years.

Interesting. I've always viewed dating as the phase when you're checking to see if you're compatible - re worldview, long-term goals, wanting children etc. When dating I never hesitated to break up with someone once I realised we weren't aligned.

Marriage is very different. I saw marrying my DH as fully committing to him, dedicating our lives to each other long-term. It would take an awful lot to get me to walk away (e.g. abuse or maybe infidelity).

So dating is the trial period where you break up if you realise you're not suited while marriage is a promise that you're in it for the long haul. The gf and OP's son weren't married, so to me it makes perfect sense that the gf walked away after realising they weren't at all on the same page.

After 3 years in the relationship she asked him about marriage and got a luke warm response - my heart would shrivel too 😧

i am seeing a financially independent woman. She has her own apartment and allowed a young boy to move in with her. He has less money and was happy to occupy her bed and have a roof over his head, possibly a mummy substitute.
Woman wants to make relationship permanent. She is probably thinking to the future and wants a child. Boy doesn't want this. He is still a child himself.
Woman ends relationship. Boy loves himself more than he loves her. Boy cries to mummy. Girl goes on holiday with friends - good for her.
She can spend Christmas quietly and look for a new boyfriend in the new year. Maybe play the field for a while. Someone will want a smart, clever, independent ,lovely woman. She may be incredibly ancient but there's plenty of grown up men in their 30's who are looking for a wife. Lots of them are financially independent too. Much more suitable.
Boy can go on tinder stating that he 'just wants fun' 'nothing serious' . he will be inundated with offers. He can then take them home to his mum's house.
Or, perhaps, he could get a place of his own and move in a young female who doesn't want a long term relationship with him.
The future is full of endless opportunities.

nope, but that when a future GF tries to have the "shall we get married? where is our future going?" conversation he doesn't belittle it but adds to it with brain fully engaged. Even if it is "i love you but i don't want to get married"

Then when the GF, having taken time to think about it, ends the relationship, he doesn't bombard her with stupid shit to try to win her back, but accepts and moves on.

Like an adult.

Your son sounds like a cuckoo who took his ex for granted and now wants to marry her because it's going to cost him more to get his own place. And OP sounds like an enabler.

At 27, no children mentioned, she is not going to struggle finding a decent man.

I agree with his dad. The son chose not to discuss marriage with her for a reason. It sounds like he never truly loved her but she was convenient. And now he's realised just how convenient she was. We will never know what has happened, just what he's told his mum and his mum's interpretation of that spun to make her little cherub look better.

I don't blame the ex for not wanting to be manipulated further by this man-child. The sudden panicked turnaround sounds disengenuous to me. I wouldn't trust him either.

He deserves sympathy for what? The consequences of treating as a convenience for years? Actions have consequences. And she had every right to change her mind about being treated like a mug. She's just bruised his inflated ego. Because he underestimated her and overestimated his own importance. He got too comfortable disrespecting her needs.

And I'm a boy mum with no girls.

@OneGreenPoster so your son harassed her to the point she's had to block him? Wow.

Not such a good guy after all eh?

She wanted to marry him! She had him in her apartment and from memory they were together three years (i might be wrong on the last point) but you susepct she didnt love him? Now we criticise women for being strong and letting go of a relationship they dont want. Op. I really dont want to be rude but you really need to check yourself! You're a woman yourself and the way you speak is utterly shameful. Your comments are the type that fly under the radar but in the bigger picture are harmful.

bollocks.

If he had married her and stayed for a bit? he might have been in with a chance of some of the proceeds.

It's exactly what he needs.
Your approach has got him blocked for harassing her.
You DH needs to advise him how to behave appropriately towards women as it seems like he's a lot to learn.

I think you should give your husband some more credit, and your son a bit less sympathy and a bit more tough love. Your husband is absolutely correct, and I'm sure it's what countless people on here have already said: if your son really wanted to marry this woman, he would have asked her already. Asking her once she's broken up with him, because she wants to be moving forward in her relationship and life, was always bound to fail and would have made his ex feel even worse. Expecting to continue living with her once they'd broken up was incredibly foolish and selfish. He is probably a nice enough boy; but he really needs to grow up. If he can't manage it himself, you need to help him or step back and let your husband do it. We can love our children and still recognise they've made a mistake. We can feel bad for them being in an upsetting situation and still teach them how to better manage similar situations in the future.

I forgot to add - he got engaged to someone after me and didn’t marry her, and he’s been living with his current partner for over 30 years. She wears an engagement ring but…

If this was Harry Potter world, OP would be sending the ex a Howler! "How dare you break up with my darling boy!".