Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

I see it with both my late teen girls already. Their friends travel / art / life / nights out comes first. A boyfriend is secondary. If they aren’t happy in the relationship they are quick to end it and revert to single girl life that is now pretty epic.

When with the boyfriend they get fomo about what their friends are up to. The old fashioned pining for a boyfriend and prioritising him is gone. One girl out of all of them does this and she is universally derided and is at risk of losing her friend group. In their world this is a million times worse than losing one boy. Honestly if you have sons you need to know this. The boots on the other foot.

Saladbrains is right🙄🤣

This most be the most misogynistic site around.
Only on MN are women not to ask where a relationship is going, and suck it up when their question is dismissed as a "silly timeline".

So refreshing to read about a woman with some self worth not tolerating being messed around further.

She rightly has the Ick and has detached.

Perfect response from his Dad. GF made her position clear, he needed to talk to her about their expectations of the relationship or let her go to find someone else.
She has made her choice. He needs to accept that.

Is some ahem person really arguing this man should have a claim on the ex’s property after no ring no kids no marriage 😂😂 fml heard it all.

As we tell women secure yourself marry the man don’t just live in his house with no protection or assets.

fortunately he didn’t give up his earning potential carry babies though so I’m sure he will be find with mummy holding his hand while dad shakes his head going ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nobody deserves notice of dumping. Nobody has to give you a reason for dumping you. Blocking someone who won’t stop messaging you isn’t childish it’s what the police tell you to do after asking them to stop. Kicking someone out your house when you dump them is also bloody normal, as is changing the locks.

They both had months after their chat. She’s clearly slowly detached and ended things. His just stuck his fingers in his ears and pretended not to notice her pulling away then after all shocked when she left him.

And it is an issue for professional women in their 30's and 40's, and 50's, whom love their own home, financial independence, and because they have no wish for children they aren't in a rush to share a home either.

This is exacerbated by the misogyny online and some men’s behavior. All this talk of “body counts” and “women age like milk” “you’re finished by 25” etc. They just walk away. The men’s threat was echoed by the op “you’ll end up alone” their response “don’t threaten me with a good time !”

The question I have that the perhaps the OP can answer is did the ex-girlfriend frame the talk of marriage as an ultimatum or deal breaker? Because the son’s flippant “silly” remark suggests that he didn’t consider the conversation a serious one. Who knows, maybe he is a blockhead?

What I cannot get my head around is that if marriage was so important to his girlfriend, how could he be so tone deaf? Surely no one is that daft.

Which is why I am leaning towards the “there’s something we are not being told” scenario.

That poster really does have salad for brain.

Aside from the fact he isn’t legally owed anything he’s not even morally owed anything.

Let’s say we assume he paid 50% of all bills including mortgage, it’s still probably less than he would’ve paid in a one bedroom flat himself.

And I assume he contributed not one penny to the deposit which isn’t cheap given the price of houses nowadays.

Sadly he has very few rights in this situation as an unmarried cohabitee living in a home he doesn't own, presumably isn't on the mortgage or deeds for, and with no children. He has no automatic right to stay and can be asked to leave at any point with fair notice, which he was given. We also don't know how long he lived in her house for. Likely it wasn't 3 years, as most people don't shack up on day 1!

If he wanted to try to get something financially from the split, he'd have to prove financial contributions to the property, e.g. standing order for a share of the mortgage, contributing to repairs/home improvements, etc, on the understanding of a shared interest in the property. Effectively, he'd have to prove that his partner at some stage promised him a share in her house and he spent money on it to his own detriment based on the understanding of a future share in it, effectively leaving him in a worse financial position than he would have been not living with her. Difficult to prove.

He is very unlikely to be in a worse financial position by living with her if what he has paid her amounts simply to rent and bills, which he would have also had to pay living somewhere else. If he's paid for things like repairs and improvements of the sort you'd expect a landlord to foot the bill for if you were a tenant, then possibly it might be fair to ask for any recent contributions to those things, or to things like co-purchased furniture or appliances that she wants to keep, to be returned to help him afford to rent a place of his own. If he wanted that though, he'd have been wiser to try and keep things amicable, as she's now had to block him because he was harassing her so he can't even ask!

Silly boy.

I have absolutely no doubt she raised it more than once. His insistence that it was up to only him to decide when the time was right would have been the last straw.

To use a mn cliche, she got her ducks in a row, and threw him out.

Three months is not a short time and we only have OP telling her what her son told her.

We have no idea if the gf brought it up again after that.

The gf wanted a proper discussion about it and he brushed her off. Just a discussion. Not ‘are you going to marry me now’ but to discuss plans for the future like the majority of couples and he couldn’t even do that.

If you don’t know if you want to marry the person you are living with after three years of being together, don’t even want to have the discussion, or even say I want to do xyz before marriage, then you either don’t want to get married or you don’t want to marry the person your with.

He could have easily said something instead of the answer he gave her. They had been together long enough for him to be honest about his feelings instead of dismissing her which tbh is an answer in itself.

His actions have only shown not only is he not ready, he isn’t mature enough for marriage.

If he was, he would have had the conversation.

My DH and I sat down and had the discussion before we were engaged, right around Christmas. We talked about marriage, children, how we saw the future, and we were on the same page. He proposed to me in the summer after that talk (he didn’t have the ring at the time and had just blurted it out while I was telling him something ) and we were married the summer after before my 26th Birthday. We had been together just over 2 years by time we married. It didn’t feel like a rush to us and we didn’t live together until we were married. Been together for 14 years.

If you know, you know.

Your husband is spot on.

Flip the genders and no doubt the story would be very different.

Patronising.

If you live with a partner for a couple of years you know if they are the one or not. Your DS blew it. Now she's asked him to leave he suddenly wants to buy her a ring. Let's hope h takes his next gf more seriously and not for granted.

As crimes go does calling her “silly” rank up there with aggravated burglary or grievous bodily harm?

Hardly.

Like Ricki Gervais said, humans evolved over millennia to make their environment relatively safe and free from predators only to become fearful of words.

Get a grip.

“The conversation could have been the starting point of a beautiful dialogue of understanding each other’s needs, triggers, desires and vulnerabilities.”

But instead HE dismissed her, he called her desire to discuss timelines “silly” and he let her know that it was up to HIM when the marriage conversation would happen and she had no say in. He shut down the “beautiful dialogue” before it could even start.

Lmao tell us you've never been on the MN relationships board without telling us you've never been on the MN relationships board.

I posted on your other thread.

She has had a lucky escape. Her attempt to be an equal in a relationship and have a say on time scales such as engagement, marriage, having children etc meant his true misogynist colours were outed when he reply …
ha ha ha little girl you silly thing, we will get married when I decide could be a year, ten years or twenty. It’s when I am ready and not about you.

Women take huge risks in relationships particularly in relation to having maternity leave and the impact even that has on childcare. Pregnancy has a toll on the body and impact that a man rarely appreciates.
Some men do step up during pregnancy and when the baby and child is born. Not financially but the mental, physical and emotional load - but many don’t appreciate it and don’t. Men need to do more than 50/50. Same with finances.

It’s 2025, not 1950.

My husband had more money than me, when we got together. We decided to get married together and he on paper had so much more to lose than me. He sees everything as ours. Joint. We both have our own bank accounts but when he earnt more he put much much more in the pot. I didn’t have to ask he just did. I’m on holiday today, my husband has just done the getting our teenager up and ready, done the dogs and horses, done the bins, made me a cup of tea and taken him to school. My son left something so he came back and retrieved it with good humour (son is normally pretty good at remembering stuff!) . My husband I know feels lucky to have me and us (our children), I know we are lucky to have him.

Does your son own his own house at 30? What assets does he have? What contribution is he making to the pot? because he sure as hell wasn’t being equal in decision making with his ex girlfriend. And it isn’t just money - my husband talks about mental load. He does his own families presents and I will think the compost bin needs cleaning - go to clean it and he’s done it as he noticed it too. He keeps lists if something gets mentioned he puts it on his list. I don’t ask- he just does.

To hound her and try to coerce her back into a relationship when she finished it - shows his lack of respect for her. It’s over -she finished it. He should have accepted that - that’s the law and if he keeps on contacting her he is stalking and harassing her. He needs to start having respect for women and their thoughts and feelings.
No means no. We are finished means we are finished. Move out of my house / means move out. Etc

You aren’t helping. Neither is having him home. Neither is telling him she’s wrong and he’s a great catch - he isn’t.

I bite my tongue on here a lot as these are real people but we see women in particular treated as second class citizens time and time again. A recent thread a woman on holiday with her partner and he was so moody and grumpy. It’s her holiday. Her time.
He doesn’t want to go out and do anything. Why are women settling for partners that don’t add joy to their lives and encourage them and help them to enrich themselves.

The best thing you can do with your son is get him to read books like ‘ invisible women ‘ and listen to some podcasts and educate yourself about equality. He’s not treating women as equals.

The misogyny in some posts is unbelievable. There still seems to be a lot of people who think that women are supposed to be grateful because some Very Important Man gives her the time of day. She's supposed to be grateful for whatever crumbs he throws her way. Those days are thankfully behind us. Men need to shape up or ship out.

Shakespeare has a lot to answer for "love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds," He was talking about physical beauty, but people interpret it to mean that you should love someone whatever they do.

I see you’ve ignored the rest of my point and focused instead on one word.

Besides it’s not the word itself it’s what it represents - by calling her wishes to establish a timeline for planning a life together “silly”, he was dismissing her concerns and the things that mattered to her. Swap it for whatever word you like, it’s the same underlying principle of not taking her seriously.
And now he’s repenting at leisure.

Then harassed her afterwards to the point he got himself kicked out and blocked and was still trying to prolong leaving until his father told him they were going to get his stuff before she gets back instead of waiting for the weekend.

Plus, if the girlfriend was really playing games (very heavily doubt it) then son is better off anyway.

His dad seems to be the only reasonable parent here; probably thinking, he wouldn’t want his own daughter to deal with someone acting like his son if she ended things with a man.

A certain type of man likes to say that women are 'playing games' when the woman in question has a mind of her own and doesn't do exactly what a man wants her to do.

If anything the women are the straight forward ones. Clearly stated her terms. Walked away calmly when not met. There’s someone playing games here but it’s not the GF