Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

I can see this from both sides. Proposing/getting married should be a big thing, it's meant to be, and for him to do it when he's put in this predicament makes it seem less meaningful. With her friend newly single, IF she has been swayed by her, then I'd say that there was something lacking somewhere. The fact that she was able to end it in such a "cold" manner indicates that she has made a decision that she's ready to stick to. Maybe she was able to be "cold" because she wasn't as "in love" as he was. If she comes to realise she's made a mistake, then they'll have both learnt something - about themseves and each other. It's hard, but it is between them and you would be best off not getting involved.

No. What he should learn is that when a woman is asking for a timeline of when engagement and marriage could be expected, not to laugh it off as silly, and then be surprised when she calls the relationship off, and then go begging for her to come back.

Wasn't he being cold when he laughed at her request for a timeline of what could be expected and called it silly? Or when he said that HE would be the one to decide when the time was right? Is that the indication that he was more in love with her, than she was with him? A woman made a decision to leave at age 27 because a man wouldn't commit and she's is being blamed. 27 is not an unrealistic age if you are looking to get engaged, marry in a couple of years and have children.

Except, that's not what his mother says happened...

She's changed her mind because my son kept texting and calling her begging for another chance and she's said it's all a bit much.

Why is it okay for him to ridicule the woman he's been dating for 3 years, not want marriage, then propose in a panic and harrass her and stillbe allowedto remain in her home to harrass her some more when she returns? That's quite a level of entitlement that you're brushing over.

MN is littered with women who are suffering the consequences of cajoling men into marriage and children. She's gotten out ahead of this, as she's identified early and ACCEPTED that they are at different stages. Even the young man's father agrees with her.

The way your son brushed off a serious conversation about time lines is good reason to have his long term girlfriend doubt his long term committment.
Three years going out, including living together, is long enough to know if they love each other enough to make adult committments. A serious talk is all that she requested.

Some of the posts querying the girlfriend’s love given the “brutality” or abruptness of the break up are baffling to me.

Obviously we can’t know for sure whether she did or not but to me she seems to have behaved with admirable maturity and dignity and nothing suggests she didn’t love him.

They had been together for 3 years and they were living together, - so not in the honeymoon period; not in a long distance relationship but living like a married couple. She wanted the next step and instead of being passive aggressive about it or playing games, she asked him about getting married. He could have reacted in a number of ways, the ideal from her perspective would have been to be thrilled and they’d have gone on to get engaged within a short time scale. Now if he didn’t want that then that’s fine. What happened is while he said he would want to in the future he didn’t want any silly timelines, not ready etc. that will have been lead in her stomach and a knot in her throat. At that point she could have “had a strop” in the words of some posters and ended it then but she didn’t. After that conversation they both know she wants marriage and they both know his initial reaction was to reject timelines and pressure but there was hope in his reference to some time in the future. They continued to live together for three months after this conversation.

Now I suspect that her hope was that he’d been a bit taken by surprise and reacted in the moment a laddish immature way but that he’d think about it and join her in wanting to commit and get married. Unfortunately he seems to have assumed she’d gone back in her box and accepted the honour of his hand in marriage was not something she has a say in. Three months of him knowing what she wanted and her not pressuring further; just living together as they had been and would in the future if they married.

She must have experienced a horrible creeping disappointment. She didn’t want to pressure or wheedle him into marrying her; to give him an ultimatum. It wasn’t about a wedding it was about them both wanting to marry each other and commit to a future together and he didn't want it. Of course she rejected his panic “shut-up-ring” offer.

I’m not surprised she couldn’t face Christmas with him; exchanging gifts, facing time as an established couple with his happy family and with hers.

If she broke it off after Christmas the OP and his defenders would be clamouring about her venality in getting a present out of him and playing happy families with him whilst all the time planning to break his heart…

Of course OP wants to support her son but her husband is right. Her son will fall in love again no doubt and let’s hope it’s with someone as together and lovely as OP says this girl is. Hopefully her son will have learned that he doesn’t hold all the cards and will remember she has her own mind and agency just like him.

I have a wonderful friend who very nearly missed the chance to gave children because she stayed with a man who “wasn’t ready yet” in a mostly very happy relationship for 12 years. They eventually broke up over it and she was heartbroken. Thankfully she did marry someone lovely and had a single son but because of her age it took awful losses and heartache. It still hurts her that within two years of their break up her ex was engaged and went on to marry someone else. She wanted more children and it didn’t happen.

The OP’s son’s girlfriend has done the right thing. I really hope OP can support him sympathetically without feeding a narrative of him being hard done to by his ex. He made mistakes, common mistakes, and he’ll have other chances in the future. Just not with his ex.

Your grandad wore her down with the flowers. The flower shop were quids in. 😅😅
l wonder how often he got flowers 🌼 🌸 🌻 for her after the 6 months.

But now he wants her back!
Make it make sense.

If the gf wanted marriage she could have:
a) started the conversation a second and a third time.
b) proposed an engagement to him
c) proposed marriage to him.

If HE wanted marriage he could have:
a) started a conversation about timelines and any concerns he has.
He also should be darned grateful she has allowed him to live with her for so long esp AFTER he said No some months back.

I am intrigued by your headline. Are you actually the son looking for insights from women?

It's the begging for her to take him back that is interesting. He wanted to be with her but not marry her?

So he didn't want to marry at all and didn't want to say so?
Or he wanted to be 'in control'?
Or he just wanted somewhere to live?

The dad's reaction suggests there's slightly more to the story though.

Your DH is right.

But sympathy for what ? Messing around a woman whom he says he adores? His behaviour didn’t show that. He behaved as though he was careless of her feelings.

He thought he could string her along.

No, dad is right.

Sounds like he had an easy life and was too lazy/not committed enough to go through the faff of formalising their relationship.
When she decided that she'd had enough and dumped him, he suddenly decides she's the one... more likely he's panicking at the thought of not only having to find somewhere to live, but also to possibly explain why his relationship ended.

From what his mother wrote I'm almost certain he's going to play the 'poor me she dumped me at Christmas' card.

The fact that in her first post his mother mentioned his ex's newly single friend and mentioned she'd dumped him and then gone on to a Xmas party suggests he's already started.
I very much doubt his ex just casually told him 'by the way we are over, I'm just off to get changed I have a party to get to'.

Spot on

The gf was not silly. 3 years, with him living at hers isn't too soon to know whether they wanted to plan his life together. And as other posters here have said, how hurtful must it have been to have it dismissed when she tried to discuss and plan a future with him? She clearly loved him enough to want to do that and he threw it back in her face. I know that I would not want to carry on in a relationship afterbeing knocked back like that.

By the way the 'of course I want to marry you.... one day' is not a sign of commitment, it's a fob off. Case in point- when she insisted and tried to get a timeframe, he showed his true colours.
I'm not surprised she left him.

I am with you on this.

I'm guessing that "sympathy" is what got him here...

It's fairly normal not to marry these days. I'm engaged and have been with my bf for nearly ten years. I just like the ring and we have no intention ever getting married. TBF, we are both in our fifties and I was married before but marriage is a contract, and an institution and who in their right mind wants to live in an institution 🤣🤣

He's right though.

From what you've said she was pretty clear with your son about what she wanted, and he didn't step up to the plate. Now that she's finally tired of waiting and decided to move on, he's begging her for another chance. Awful behavior.

His dad has told him what he needs to hear, far better than you saying you'll talk some sense into her.

No, not that he’ll get married but that he’ll have open and honest conversations with the next girlfriends about where he’s really at, and maybe even end the relationship sooner himself if he’s not really feeling it.

You’re absolutely right, the bastard should have gone along with her and commenced the joyful nuptials apace. Sod his own feelings, they don’t matter, everyone knows it’s all about hers on this thread.

Telling your son "you should've got your arse into gear if you wanted her that much"

See i disagree, I think this sort of home truth needs saying. He should have. Lesson learned.