Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

But if you are leaving a person because of a reason is it not normal to raise the issue more than once and give an indication as to the strength of your feeling on the matter (if it doesn't change I'm off type thing)? Wouldn't you expect this from a partner?

And for the 109th time, your DH is RIGHT.

Mummy's taught him he's a prize catch as he is, I'd guess - no effort or commitment required from him. Prince Charming gets to call the shots and pick the girl when he's ready, she doesn't get a say in the matter!

This is a man she had been dating for three years, one she supposedly wanted to marry. We are not talking about an indifferent Tinder date.

With that in mind, would you not say that writing him off and giving him short shrift is a tad… callous? Or perhaps she never did have a genuine interest in marrying him?

I am afraid I find your tone unpleasant. Are you the girlfriend?

No, she didn't want a forced 'commitment' she wanted to be with someone who wanted to discuss & plan their future together. Not to be told he wasn't going to discuss 'silly timelines' & she just needed to wait around until HE decided to move things forward.

While living in HER apartment.

Hey OP, you need to get a life of your own.

Even posting an update. Jesus......

I'm a solo mum myself. Never would I get involved in his relationships.

Or him in mine.

Harmony at home is the way to go.....

We don’t know that she actually was in any rush to get married to him. She tried to open up a conversation about where he saw the relationship going, which isn’t at all the same thing as presenting a ‘marry me or I’ll dump you’ ultimatum. He just shut her down. It may very well be that she was starting to look upon their relationship as a dead end, and his response confirmed that for her. Why would she give him more opportunities when she’s already over it?

She’s an independent 27 year old homeowner. It could very well be the case that she’s happy to be single and in no rush to find someone else. Whatever she decides, I didn’t doubt that she’ll be fine.

I think what’s happened here is that she was very hurt a few months ago when they discussed a proposal and he gave no time line. He broke her heart that day but it’s taken her a few months to actually end the relationship.
Emotionally, it ended then for her, so she’s already moving on.
Please don’t get involved. He’s an adult and needs to realise he’s made his own bed now needs to lie in it.

@Bungle2168 Tbh, I think they’ve both dodged a bullet.

At 30, after three years together, his first reaction to the mention of marriage to someone he truly loves would surely be “Wow, this amazing woman wants to commit to me, I’m so happy.” Even if he wasn’t ready to get married right away, he would be delighted.

But he didn’t feel that way and that’s why I think she’s moved on so quickly. She realizes that he’s not deeply in love with her so there’s no point them carrying on.

If she did want to marry him, she’s changed her mind. That doesn’t mean she didn’t genuinely want to at one point.

’Giving him short shrift’ - she was kind enough to give him until after Christmas to move out, but he ruined that for himself by hassling her. She’s ended the relationship, and isn’t obliged to engage his attempts to remain in it. It isn’t like they’ve built an intricate life together that requires untangling - he just needs to move out of her house.

I don't see that at all

Doing the dumping and clearing off on holiday (bit of cowardice) - or - good idea to give them both a bit of space to process the breakup

Allowing him to stay on at the flat (not going to work) - probably thought she was being kind to give him a few weeks to find somewhere - but I agree it's not going to work with him playing the victim

Blocking Him (childish) - I don't think it's childish to block someone who cannot accept a no- OP stated clearly that she only blocked him because he wouldn't accept the breakup and he stop hounding her with calls and texts. Better to block him than allow it to get worse IMHO

@BruFord Absolutely.

I believe they both have a poor communication style - he is a poor listener and she passive-aggressive.

As you say, ultimately this outcome is best for both.

We don't know how many times she raised it - not sure OP does either. All we know is that when she did attempt to talk about the future of the relationship that he shut it down, refused to discuss it and called her silly and that he made no attempt to take it seriously in the following months.

He also has responsibility to raise his own issues . doesn't sound like this was the love of his life but more convenient right now

Nothing you have written is wrong per se, but do unto others as you would have done unto yourself, surely?

If you and I were dating for three years and one morning I, over breakfast, and without warning, told you to get the Hell out of my house, would you not feel suitably aggrieved?

I mean, my house my rules, right?

Not on something this fundamental, and after so long no.

With him 30 and her 27. Especially if the GF wants to have children. Why would she? He made his feelings clear, she was 'silly' for trying to discuss it and her wants for the future. He was the big I am and would make the decisions unilaterally so she could just sit down, be quiet and wait for the day if and when he decided that he wanted to discuss it.

This guy had lived in the GFs house and had all the benefits of a marriage, but when asked about a discussion on the future possibility of getting married he belittled and demeaned her. He could see she was upset and didn't address it, or offer any further discussion.

As others have said, it's fine if he's not ready or will never be ready to marry, but he doesn't get to shut down discussion about it. That's not how loving relationships work, you're supposed to communicate honestly with each other.

He's lucky he got three months grace while she processed all this and dealt quietly with her hurt. He's even luckier after that shoddy treatment of her, that she was going to let him stay in her property till after Christmas but he shot himself in the foot by harassing her.

I think there's more to this than OP is letting on, or possibly it would be kinder to say that there more to this than the OP actually knows.

There's little hints that the son is actually a bit of an arsehole frankly. Future faking and possible cocklodging #1, Son's attitude over the possibility of marriage discussion #2, then the co-dependant 'shut up' panic ring #3, the harassment to take him back #4, and then the planned ambush after she asked him to leave because of the harassment #5.

I think we'd hear a very different story if the GF were able to tell her side. I think she's suffered the death of this relationship through a thousand cuts. I think she's been very smart, and I wish more young women knew their worth and had such iron self esteem as she did.

I think the OP's son has treated his exGF very badly, cruelly in fact. I don't think he's the catch he or his mum thinks he is 😂

The number of people here who think that it’s fine for the son to not want marriage, but not fine for the GF to end a relationship that clearly will not lead to marriage, is depressing. He’s allowed to put himself first, but she’s not. Why?

I really hope these people are not raising daughters and teaching them to be so grateful for a relationship with a man that they suppress all their own wants and needs.

Well honestly his may be be blunt .she hinted enough wanted a timeline.he told gf don't want silly timelines.she decided not to waste her young ish years on a man refusing to commit .so off she went .your husband was blunt but correct

Callous, her? No. Him? Yes. 'Silly timelines' indeed.

Am I the girlfriend? Thank fuck but no! 😂😂😂😂

I find your tone unpleasant, and sexist, too! Hey ho! It takes all sorts to make a world go round!😘

I know what you’re aiming for is ‘Knowledgeable in the field of human relationship and how women work’, but you somehow keep landing on ‘Women? I’m familiar with those creatures. I read about them. Once. Thirty years ago’.

If I’m failing to extend enough respect to engage in a conversation with someone who I’m not only supposed to love, but am reliant upon for the roof over my head, then I would consider any resultant short shrift to be earned. No need for kid gloves and biblical angst.

Anyway, no one has said he can’t feel aggrieved. He can. That he feels aggrieved does not mean that she’s done anything wrong.

@WomenAreNotEmotionalSupportAnimals @InterIgnis

I’m done with the ad hominem attacks for tonight.

Sleep well and sweet dreams.💤

Why can't we talk about it?! Let's negotiate! You can't just decide to stop talking to us and present it as a fait accompli!!!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is how the calculations played out in her mind.

It is three years.
She is not that into him but he is already a sunk cost and a cocklodger.
She wants children and being the bird in hand, she will give him a chance to step up by showing that he wants a future and a family with her.
She feels slightly humiliated to have to raise the issue of marriage but she does because she is close to an ultimatum.
Instead, he tells her to get back in her box, know her place as a little woman and that he gets to call the shots on when he commits.
She cannot quite believe it but hangs around for 3 months waiting to see if he has registered her desire for marriage and turn it around.
He acts as if nothing happened and makes her feel even less heard and even more belittled by his silence.
He has set the template of what a future with him looks like.
Christmas is coming round and she thinks f_ it, he has blown it.
She is going to throw this loser back and take her chances in the big pond.
She is better off finding someone who brings more to the table who loves her and treats her like an equal.
In the meantime, he is cramping her style by being in her home.
He needs to get out asap.
Except he harasses her and so she gets out instead, hoping he won't be there when she gets back.
In her heart, she has already moved on.

My parents gave both my DBs “the talk” when they’d been seeing their girlfriends for a while (I forget how long). Obvs I wasn’t present but I’ve gleaned it went along the lines of “don’t be a dick, you can’t string a woman along, either propose or let her find someone else”.

I had EXACTLY the conversation this ex-gf had with OP’s son after two years of dating my now DH. He didn’t dismiss me. He listened, shat himself (not literally), spent all his savings on a ring (he was a phd student), and proposed. I only learned of the shitting of self and spending of life savings some years after we were married (he can now afford a much nicer ring but that one is so meaningful to me that Tiffany’s finest wouldn’t sparkle half as much). We have DC and a full and happy family life years down the line. Your son needs to be more like my DH, OP. A woman like his ex could have run her and his life better than he seems able to run his own. Arrogant sod. Hope he’s learned a valuable lesson and been brought down a peg or two.

To paraphrase the title of a dating advice book, he just wasn't that into her. Between that conversation about marriage that he remembers well enough to describe to you OP, and his day-to-day behaviour in the months since (which he won't recall in enough detail to consider it from his ex's point of view), his now ex realised that he wasn't that into her and accepted that.

He's panicking now because he thinks he'd rather be married to her than alone, if his first choice, of cohabiting with her without marriage, isn't an option. You should be glad for his sake that she's turning that down, because it would be an incredibly unhealthy foundation for a marriage.

I know you thought before Christmas was a bad time to break up, but how awful would it be to break up with him only after he had given her Christmas gifts? And how awkward would she have felt to receive Christmas gifts from her boyfriend's parents while simultaneously planning to break up with him?

Perhaps he will meet someone he truly feels passionate about in the year to come.

A woman like his ex could have run her and his life better than he seems able to run his own.

@canklesmctacotits this is an interesting observation. I think it is spot on. The lady has her own pad and knows her mind. She can spot bullshit a mile off. I suspect that as a wife, she would be a very capable one. In a marriage of equals, that would be a phenomenal asset.

Unfortunately, OP's son is not good enough for her anymore.