Page 16 | Son dumped by gf -update

OneGreenPoster · 2025-12-16T17:06:45+00:00

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full. Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner. Not much else to say on the matter. I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

CrazyGoatLady · 16/12/2025 23:48

HisNotHes · 16/12/2025 23:18

“Why is it so wrong that he didnt want to get married?” - it’s not, but then don’t get upset when the other partner who DOES want to get married ends the relationship.

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Pretty much. These two want different things. She gave it time to see if he'd be ready, he wasn't. Why prolong the inevitable?

@OneGreenPoster - if your son never wants marriage, kids etc, that's OK. He may be one of a growing number opting out. But he does need to realise a lot of women his age may be seeking a partner to marry and have a family with. This is likely something he may have to navigate again, unless he consciously seeks out women who also do not want those things. When the dust settles, you and/or his dad might have a talk with him about thinking about what he does and doesn't want for the future, and what that means for his relationships, who he seeks out and how he manages things. He's no longer a 20-something, so relationships in your 30s are different to the "keep it light/fun" vibe he's probably leaned into up to now. He could do with growing up a bit and learning how to have more real, honest adult conversations in a relationship. He will need to learn how to do that no matter who he is with.

ForeverPombear · 16/12/2025 23:50

Saladbrains · 16/12/2025 22:31

Because she wanted an emotional response from him, remember?

When he didn’t give an emotional response however long ago when she had her diary out asking for timelines you all jumped up and down on him for being emotionally uninvolved.

So she provoked him again, and this time he gave her the emotional response and like sheep you all follow each other with he’s wrong no matter what.

The son did not want her as a wife.
She obviously wasn’t good enough.
He stayed at her home for convenience.
She had enough and called it.

It doesn’t make any one of them more wrong than the other.

He has agency and he has choice, and his choice when she asked was “no thanks”.

Why can’t you all accept that he has the right to say “no thanks” by his behaviour?

His choice, his agency.

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But that's literally what everyone is saying. He made his choice so she made hers.

Dweetfidilove · 16/12/2025 23:53

WomenAreNotEmotionalSupportAnimals · 16/12/2025 23:04

The amount of sexism or internalised misogyny on display in this thread and the last, including from the OP is worrying. At least the majority of posters agree that the GF in this scenario was the mature, sensible one after being strung along for so long by a future faker.

@OneGreenPoster your son is cruel to have used the GF as a placeholder. He belittled and dismissed her. I agree with others who said I think this was death by a thousand cuts for the GF.

Once she ended things you said he spoke to her the next day and offered to go buy a ring the day after that? Not that he suddenly realised that he was being ridiculous and that he really did want to marry her so why put it off, but begrudgingly hoping she'd accept the shut up pity ring so he might be able to hang onto his placeholder for a bit longer.

He didn't do the decent thing and look for a place to stay. I bet he hoped he could wear her down and get her to take him back. As a placeholder only of course.

She did not accept the shut up ring, and bloody good for her! So your son has been harassing her while she was away for a holiday! He harassed her so much that she had to ask him to move out immediately and block him!

Then instead of getting his stuff together and getting out of her property asap, he planned to ambush her when she returned home!

I know you're determined to paint the GF as in the wrong and your son as the poor hard done by party, but he is not the decent, sweet boy you think he is. He has acted terribly, and strayed into possibly abusive territory with the harassment and planned ambush.

He's very lucky your DH sees what he's really like, but you aren't helping him at all with your take on this.

There is apparently a large number of lonely, young single men these days. Women have realised their worth thank fuck! A lot of women are choosing to remain single these days because men, like your DS, are just not good enough. They are lazy, entitled, and not a little sexist, and these young women are seeing this and realising that actually they are much happier either single, or finding a partner who will treat them decently for starters, and wants the same things they want.

If your son doesn't buck up his ideas very quickly and learn the lessons his father is trying to teach him, he's going to end up one of those lonely men. He might pinball from relationship to relationship, but he won't be truly happy, he'll be with a string of someone's but lonely - like I assume your DH is truly happy to have met, married and had a family with you, being a team through life's ups and downs, working toward shared goals and caring about each other's needs - or me might just find himself alone, and lonely.

The GF on the other hand, it sounds like she's a smart young woman who is pro-active in going after what she wants! I like the sound of her, and I think she'll be very happy with her decision to dump your son, even if she's hurting now, and I expect she is hurting very much. She loved your son enough to want to build a life with him, and he belittled and demeaned her. She was right to dump him.

The amount of sexism or internalised misogyny on display in this thread and the last, including from the OP is worrying.

I've seen this play out on a few threads where women have been decisive about what they want/will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

Unless they're handwringing, desperate or willing to forgive all sins; they're described as cold, heartless, wearing the pants, not romantic or loving enough... It's absolutely ridiculous.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 16/12/2025 23:55

OneGreenPoster · 16/12/2025 21:31

He is a brilliant dad, but he is very blunt at times.
Telling your son "you should've got your arse into gear if you wanted her that much" Isn't great when he's newly heartbroken
I think he needs some sympathy.

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He’s absolutely right though?

BruFord · 16/12/2025 23:56

I’m sorry that he’s so upset @OneGreenPoster but tbf, his gf was probably also miserable when he laughed at her conversation about marriage and said that he didn’t want to commit yet. She realized that they weren’t on the same page at all, because let’s be honest, if he was truly in love with her, he’d have been delighted that she was ready to commit to him, wouldn’t he?

Three years is ample time to know whether you’re committed to someone IMO. If you’re not truly, madly, deeply in love with them by that stage, you’re unlikely ever to be. Perhaps this is a lucky escape for them both. 🤷

DarkForces · 16/12/2025 23:56

OneGreenPoster · 16/12/2025 21:31

He is a brilliant dad, but he is very blunt at times.
Telling your son "you should've got your arse into gear if you wanted her that much" Isn't great when he's newly heartbroken
I think he needs some sympathy.

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He's right though. If he loved her and knew he wanted to marry her he should have proposed and not left her dangling with no clear timeline. He showed her who he was - someone who didn't want to commit - and that wasn't what she wanted.

InterIgnis · 16/12/2025 23:58

Bungle2168 · 16/12/2025 22:55

@OneGreenPoster When a relationship turns sour, the party who had their head turned often rewrites the relationship roles. Their new love interest is the “rescuer”, the old one the “persecutor”, and they are the “victim”. It’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle, and I can see it playing out in your son’s relationship with his now ex-girlfriend. Tectonic plates have shifted behind the scenes and he is now playing catchup - poorly, I might add.

I am concerned about your son because he does seem to be a little immature, and has codependent tendencies. The panic proposal he made in response to to the girlfriend announcing her departure almost certainly elicited feelings of contempt towards him. I think he should have been prepared to have the courage of his convictions, and allowing himself to be browbeaten into doing things he is not 100% behind is foolish, but not an uncommon eventuality.

As for the girlfriend, well yes, she wears the pants alright. But I do not think she has acquitted herself well, either. Clearly her communication style needs work, but I have to ask myself whether this might be deliberate. Lack of candor is one way controllers exercise dominance since presenting decisions as a fait accompli keeps one’s interlocutors on the back foot.

I feel that if she had really wanted the relationship to work, she would have adopted a more constructive communication style.

Bottom line is, I feel the girlfriend wanted out and manipulated your son into a no-win position (the shit test).

That said, I think she has done them both a favor.

Edited

Fucking hell, bet you’re fun at parties. She’s a woman that ended a relationship, she’s not Subutai plotting battlefield strategy. No need to over analyze it.

I’m not seeing the manipulation on her part. On the contrary, she seems very straightforward. She tried to communicate with him and got shut down, and now she’s done. That’s it. She didn’t owe him further opportunities to communicate, and she doesn’t need to negotiate her way out of a relationship she no longer wants to be a part of.

Oh, and obviously she controls her own life and her own home. Is she not supposed to?

BadLad · 17/12/2025 00:05

InterIgnis · 16/12/2025 23:58

Fucking hell, bet you’re fun at parties. She’s a woman that ended a relationship, she’s not Subutai plotting battlefield strategy. No need to over analyze it.

I’m not seeing the manipulation on her part. On the contrary, she seems very straightforward. She tried to communicate with him and got shut down, and now she’s done. That’s it. She didn’t owe him further opportunities to communicate, and she doesn’t need to negotiate her way out of a relationship she no longer wants to be a part of.

Oh, and obviously she controls her own life and her own home. Is she not supposed to?

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Ah, another fan of Mongol military history.

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:14

I find all the responses on this thread confusing. We are tearing this guy apart for not being ready to get married after three years of dating. But isn't that actually quite a short amount of time, especially at their relatively young ages. I think she has found someone else and is now using this as an excuse OP. But regardless of reason, your son will be just fine.

Aplycrumbly · 17/12/2025 00:16

MeanWeedratStew · 16/12/2025 21:10

I’m flabbergasted at the grown women on this thread pushing the “true love conquers all” narrative. WTF?? Are you living in a Disney film? How does anyone with any sort of life experience think that love is all that’s needed to keep two people together?

I think some of you are afflicted with the same internalised misogyny as the OP - thinking that a woman should just put up with any old shit from a man - even at the cost of her own happiness, self -worth and fertility - if she truly luuuurves him. Fucking hell.

OP, I hope your son has learned from this and will do a lot better in his next relationship. And I hope that you see value in yourself outside of your attachment to a man. All the best to you.

Well yeah this is one reason why almost half of marriages end in divorce and many of the ones that “last” are more for financial/practical reasons and far from happy.

Some people refuse to think sensibly about things and are overly led by their emotion even when they can see red flags. .because LURVE…

We see it all the time in here don’t we? Women married or leaving awful men AFTER they’ve had kids and bought houses together.

And yeah some men do put on an act until they feel the woman is trapped, but in many cases the incompatibility was made clear pre-marriage - or they just didn’t bother to have the difficult conversations which would have revealed they weren’t meant to be.

Well played to this young woman for realising early that she wasn’t valued or respected as much as she wanted and walking away.

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:18

When we say we hope he has learned his lesson or will do better next time, do we mean next time he should get married before he is ready? What bat shittery is this???!!

Bungle2168 · 17/12/2025 00:24

@InterIgnis ”On the contrary, she seems very straightforward. She tried to communicate with him and got shut down, and now she’s done.”

You are wrong about her being straightforward, 💯. She blindsided him with the news of their separation!

A straightforward person would have told the boyfriend that she was unhappy with his response to her questions concerning marriage, and that she was reevaluating their relationship as a result. At the time of said discussion.

Having a discussion, brooding over it for weeks, then presenting her decision as a fait accompli is not the behaviour of someone who is down to Earth. In fact, it hints at vindictiveness and a desire to punish the son.

For the record, I do not think the son has acquitted himself well, either.

pollyglot · 17/12/2025 00:27

You are wrong about her being straightforward, 💯. She blindsided him with the news of their separation!
A straightforward person would have told the boyfriend that she was unhappy with his response to her questions concerning marriage, and that she was reevaluating their relationship as a result.
Having a discussion, brooding over it for weeks, then presenting her decision as a fait accompli is not the behaviour of someone who is down to Earth. In fact, it hints at vindictiveness.
For the record, I do not think the son has acquitted himself well, either.

Ermm....whose narrative are you basing this conclusion upon? Mummy's? In those immortal words : "S/he would say that, wouldn't s/he?"

JenniferBooth · 17/12/2025 00:27

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:14

I find all the responses on this thread confusing. We are tearing this guy apart for not being ready to get married after three years of dating. But isn't that actually quite a short amount of time, especially at their relatively young ages. I think she has found someone else and is now using this as an excuse OP. But regardless of reason, your son will be just fine.

So if she had someone else then why did she ask OPs son about marriage and what would have happened if he had said yes and i know im not the only poster wanting an answer to this question. And i bet the why do this right before Christmas crowd would have been accusing her of hanging it out for the presents if she had waited until after Christmas

Bungle2168 · 17/12/2025 00:30

pollyglot · 17/12/2025 00:27

You are wrong about her being straightforward, 💯. She blindsided him with the news of their separation!
A straightforward person would have told the boyfriend that she was unhappy with his response to her questions concerning marriage, and that she was reevaluating their relationship as a result.
Having a discussion, brooding over it for weeks, then presenting her decision as a fait accompli is not the behaviour of someone who is down to Earth. In fact, it hints at vindictiveness.
For the record, I do not think the son has acquitted himself well, either.

Ermm....whose narrative are you basing this conclusion upon? Mummy's? In those immortal words : "S/he would say that, wouldn't s/he?"

It’s all we have to go on!

BruFord · 17/12/2025 00:31

@MayeJane4 Not at all. What people are saying is that going forward, he knows that if after three years together, a future partner talks about getting married/committing and he isn’t keen, that will likely mean the end of the relationship.

The same in reverse-if he mentions marriage to a partner of three years and she laughs/blows him off, he’ll realize that they’re not on the same page and he may decide to walk away.

At 30, you do know whether you’re committed to someone after three years, you’re not a teenager/young adult anymore.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 17/12/2025 00:32

OneGreenPoster · 16/12/2025 21:31

He is a brilliant dad, but he is very blunt at times.
Telling your son "you should've got your arse into gear if you wanted her that much" Isn't great when he's newly heartbroken
I think he needs some sympathy.

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You most definitely should let your husband handle this. It may have been harsh, but telling your son the truth is what he needs to understand and do better in the future. Agreeing that she didn't love him very much does nothing but reinforce to him his mistaken belief that he did nothing wrong. She probably loved him very much, but after he made it clear he wasn't interested in getting married yet, she began leaving the relationship at that point. She gave up when he wasn't even prepared to give her a timeframe for when he would discuss it. In her heart, she began ending things then, so it wasn't out of the blue for her. She's had time to begin letting go, and will be way ahead of him because of it.

I'm sorry that your son is so hurt, but a large part of getting past this and being ready to commit in the future is dependent on him understanding what happened and his part in it. If he was my son, I wouldn't tell him she didn't love him enough. That will hurt for a long time and he might become angry and bitter, blaming her and not trusting women. If you help him to understand that she loved him but broke up because it felt like nothing would change and that he wasn't sure about marriage to her, it will support him better and will go a long way to help him build successful relationships in the future.

I respect how much you love and support your son, even though I think you're going about it in the wrong way. Good luck to all 3 of you; your husband sounds like a keeper.

CrazyGoatLady · 17/12/2025 00:32

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:14

I find all the responses on this thread confusing. We are tearing this guy apart for not being ready to get married after three years of dating. But isn't that actually quite a short amount of time, especially at their relatively young ages. I think she has found someone else and is now using this as an excuse OP. But regardless of reason, your son will be just fine.

Honestly, I don't think that's why OP's son is getting a hard time. It's not because he didn't want to get married. That's fair enough, if someone is up front and honest about it. He's not getting good press here because he belittled his gf when she wanted to discuss the future, then buried his head in the sand hoping it would all go away. Enabled by his mother, he is now being a whiny baby and playing the victim when he's been dumped, even after having been given fair warning. And he's been going full El Creepo on his ex to boot. OP might be well advised to appreciate that her son bears at least 50% of the responsibility here, and not to encourage the poor innocent victim son, bad evil gf narrative. But "boy mums" gonna "boy mum".

I have teenage sons, and as hard as it is to see them sad or downcast, and I'll always show them love and support, I hope to God I won't be utterly blind to them having faults, making mistakes or treating women poorly.

CautiousLurker2 · 17/12/2025 00:33

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:14

I find all the responses on this thread confusing. We are tearing this guy apart for not being ready to get married after three years of dating. But isn't that actually quite a short amount of time, especially at their relatively young ages. I think she has found someone else and is now using this as an excuse OP. But regardless of reason, your son will be just fine.

See, I agree with this. My DH and I met at 22/23 and he wasn’t ready to settle at all within 3 years of dating. In fact it was nearly 8 years (around 30) when he proposed and 18m later (at 32) that we got married - so 10 years in total. We’ve been together 33 years, 23 of them married.

I think it’s totally fine if the GF wanted to end the relationship without further discussion - and leave to find someone else, but really I think this says she loved the idea of getting married more than she loved the OP’s son. She will now have to start dating again and then it will likely be at least another 2-3 years before she gets a new partner to commit. She may not actually be married and settled by the time she is 30, whereas OP’s DH would likely have ‘felt ready’ in another year or so. 27 and 30 is still very young.

Had I been her, personally, would have had one more conversation and said - if you cannot give me a timeline then this relationship is over - which I don’t think she did. That conversation would have forced him to really think about what he wanted and whether he wanted it with her. Then the splitting up would have been mutual. I don’t see the sudden dumping, blocking, evicting him as being particularly mature or an act of self-empowerment.

I suspect he could well be married to his next partner before she has found hers - having seen precisely this sort of scenario play out several times, myself.

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:35

But didn't he just say he wasn't able to put a timeline to it? That sounds reasonable to me. I agree though that there is a lesson that people can walk away, but I still don't actually think he did anything wrong based on what OP has said. Obviously none of us will ever know exactly how it all played out for sure.

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:38

CautiousLurker2 · 17/12/2025 00:33

See, I agree with this. My DH and I met at 22/23 and he wasn’t ready to settle at all within 3 years of dating. In fact it was nearly 8 years (around 30) when he proposed and 18m later (at 32) that we got married - so 10 years in total. We’ve been together 33 years, 23 of them married.

I think it’s totally fine if the GF wanted to end the relationship without further discussion - and leave to find someone else, but really I think this says she loved the idea of getting married more than she loved the OP’s son. She will now have to start dating again and then it will likely be at least another 2-3 years before she gets a new partner to commit. She may not actually be married and settled by the time she is 30, whereas OP’s DH would likely have ‘felt ready’ in another year or so. 27 and 30 is still very young.

Had I been her, personally, would have had one more conversation and said - if you cannot give me a timeline then this relationship is over - which I don’t think she did. That conversation would have forced him to really think about what he wanted and whether he wanted it with her. Then the splitting up would have been mutual. I don’t see the sudden dumping, blocking, evicting him as being particularly mature or an act of self-empowerment.

I suspect he could well be married to his next partner before she has found hers - having seen precisely this sort of scenario play out several times, myself.

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💯 % agree

BruFord · 17/12/2025 00:40

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:35

But didn't he just say he wasn't able to put a timeline to it? That sounds reasonable to me. I agree though that there is a lesson that people can walk away, but I still don't actually think he did anything wrong based on what OP has said. Obviously none of us will ever know exactly how it all played out for sure.

Edited

No, he hadn’t done anything wrong per se, @MayeJane4, he laughed when she mentioned marriage and made it clear that he wasn’t ready to commit. Then she dumped him!

What’s surprising is that he obviously didn’t realize that she might react in that way.

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:41

I hadn't picked up on him laughing, which obviously would be wrong.

WomenAreNotEmotionalSupportAnimals · 17/12/2025 00:41

Bungle2168 · 17/12/2025 00:24

@InterIgnis ”On the contrary, she seems very straightforward. She tried to communicate with him and got shut down, and now she’s done.”

You are wrong about her being straightforward, 💯. She blindsided him with the news of their separation!

A straightforward person would have told the boyfriend that she was unhappy with his response to her questions concerning marriage, and that she was reevaluating their relationship as a result. At the time of said discussion.

Having a discussion, brooding over it for weeks, then presenting her decision as a fait accompli is not the behaviour of someone who is down to Earth. In fact, it hints at vindictiveness and a desire to punish the son.

For the record, I do not think the son has acquitted himself well, either.

Edited

You make it sound like you think it should have been a negotiation . She was entitled to end things whenever she wanted. Fait accompli 😂

CrazyGoatLady · 17/12/2025 00:44

MayeJane4 · 17/12/2025 00:35

But didn't he just say he wasn't able to put a timeline to it? That sounds reasonable to me. I agree though that there is a lesson that people can walk away, but I still don't actually think he did anything wrong based on what OP has said. Obviously none of us will ever know exactly how it all played out for sure.

Edited

He said he didn't want to do things on a "silly timeline" according to OP. Which is his right - if he's not ready, he's not ready. In which case, when your partner ends it because you want different things, you can't be a whiny wee wet wipe about it, or harass your ex to see you when she's made her boundaries clear.