Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

You have a very strange view of relationships.

I think your husband is being kinder than you are however upset your son is. Giving him the impression he's been treated unfairly will only enable him to claim victim status when in reality he screwed things up.

Imagine telling someone you claim to love that their request for a timeline was silly. His ex made her intentions clear and he thought he could fritter away her fertile years whilst he took his time deciding when he would formalise his commitment to her. He's been very entitled and it's cost him. Hopefully he won't make the same mistake twice.

Hear Hear!

It was a specific question to your assertion that the “She showed he true colours by the immature ending; which clearly many posters here agree with, extolling their own selfishnesses as well.”

In what way was the ending immature, and how could she have maturely ended it knowing that he didn’t with to commit to her, but wanted to continue living as man and NotWife until proper wife arrived?

It really is very unlikely that the exGF will curse herself for letting a thirty-year-old man who lived with her at his convenience, and had no real interest in committing to her, get away.

You expected her to pack his socks for him?

Bollocks to that. He's lucky he didn't get his shit slung out the window in bin bags in anticipation of him pulling the alien facehugger shit over the phone.

Something tells me a certain poster has a neckbeard and an X account filled with rants about “hoeflation” and pictures of Sydney Sweeney’s cleavage…

Because he wanted her as a girl friend and place to stay until he found someone he did see as wife material.

Irreplaceable- my favourite Beyoncé song

I'd say immature in three ways:

Doing the dumping and clearing off on holiday (bit of cowardice)

Allowing him to stay on at the flat (not going to work)

Blocking Him (childish)

I'm not saying the OPs son is a prince here, not saying he hasn't played his own part - but - I suspect that she has someone else, and further more I suspect that she might well be on holiday with that person right now.

I know statistically its men that usually cheat, but women do it too - and I'm not even scalding of her because of it, she felt she wasn't getting anywhere with OPs son, was treated as "silly" for asking about marriage, met someone more suitable.

Critical thing is for OPs son to get his stuff before she is back, drop the key through the letter box and not look back, for his own sake.

The son did not want her as a wife. She obviously wasn’t good enough. He stayed at her home for [his own] convenience.

Why can’t you all accept that he has the right to say “no thanks” by his behaviour?

How does his volunteering to buy her a ring after she has dumped him fit into that narrative?

It’s fine for him to say no thanks, but it is a bit cheeky to also be helping himself to home comforts and conjugals whilst saying No, or in my view anyway.

I think that after the 'silly timelines' comment, the scales fell from GF's eyes and she saw DS for what he really is: a gold-digging cock lodger who had gotten his feet well and truly under her table and was quite happy with himself for getting wife privileges without making GF his wife. He was well and truly taking the piss out of her. Good on her for discovering her self-worth and getting on with her life.
DS has FO and FO.

Sympathy is fine, but pandering to his nonsense isn't. This breakup wasn't out of the blue, it wasn't the newly single best friend's fault, and spouting crap like 'If she truly loved him, she wouldn't have done this" is ridiculous. You could also make the argument that if he truly loved her, he wouldn't have left her hanging.

And the way he's dealt with it just makes him look desperate. He shouldn't have rung her up and told her he would buy a ring. He should have put his money where his mouth was, gone and bought the ring, stayed quiet for a week then turned up on Christmas Day and proposed, telling her he was sorry it took her dumping him to realise what he had, and acknowledging she might need time to think about it. That would have shown some financial investment, and some effort on his part. Instead, he's taking the lazy way out. Ringing and sending text messages takes very little effort.

If he truly wants to win her back, he needs to respect her boundaries and step away. Use this time to work on himself and try to get into a position to buy a property of his own. In six months, he could try approaching her, apologising, and asking if she would give him another chance. That discussion would need to include a timeline for marriage (note, I said marriage, not a proposal.) She may have met someone else by then but it's the only way he will have any chance.

It will also give him time to contemplate whether he does really want her, or whether it is the comfort of having a partner and living together that he misses. After six months, he might realise that he wants to move on himself.

Just remember when she throws your shit out in a rage she still cares. When it’s folded neatly she’s done done.

She gave him till after Christmas till he pushed his luck. She’s done done.

Cocklodger! That's the word I was looking for! I've spent too long away from MN 😁

It's such a great term, isn't it? 😆

It sounds like exGF was very considered, too. Going back to the OP, she didn't dump him in the immediate aftermath of being fobbed off re marriage - she took some months to think things over before clear-headedly communicating her decision. I say good for her.

More than sympathy he needs to see reality - his dad is right.

great summary.

A thirty-year-old man who is "not sure" or "feels pressured" is unlikely to miraculously transform into a reliable husband and father down the line, even if he does stump up a "shut up ring".

@OneGreenPoster When a relationship turns sour, the party who had their head turned often rewrites the relationship roles. Their new love interest is the “rescuer”, the old one the “persecutor”, and they are the “victim”. It’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle, and I can see it playing out in your son’s relationship with his now ex-girlfriend. Tectonic plates have shifted behind the scenes and he is now playing catchup - poorly, I might add.

I am concerned about your son because he does seem to be a little immature, and has codependent tendencies. The panic proposal he made in response to to the girlfriend announcing her departure almost certainly elicited feelings of contempt towards him. I think he should have been prepared to have the courage of his convictions, and allowing himself to be browbeaten into doing things he is not 100% behind is foolish, but not an uncommon eventuality.

As for the girlfriend, well yes, she wears the pants alright. But I do not think she has acquitted herself well, either. Clearly her communication style needs work, but I have to ask myself whether this might be deliberate. Lack of candor is one way controllers exercise dominance since presenting decisions as a fait accompli keeps one’s interlocutors on the back foot.

I feel that if she had really wanted the relationship to work, she would have adopted a more constructive communication style.

Bottom line is, I feel the girlfriend wanted out and manipulated your son into a no-win position (the shit test).

That said, I think she has done them both a favor.

For those unfamiliar, the "shit test" is an incel/pick-up artist concept in which any simple act by a woman that conflicts with a man's relentless pursuit of his own self-interest is characterised as a devious attempt at manipulation.

This is utterly bonkers! What would you consider a palatable way to break up with someone? In my view, she's been thinking about it for quite some time because she didn't want to make a knee-jerk reaction in light of the 'silly timelines' comment. She gave it a decent amount of time. She generously initially allowed him to stay at her place for a little while, until he scared her by harassing her and not taking no for an answer.
He's the one not conducting himself well, panicking because he's lost his very cushy living situation.

“my son kept texting and calling her begging for another chance”

If he’s that desperate to keep her then why didn’t he propose when he had the chance?
Why did he dismiss her concerns about not being kept waiting and so wanting a timeline if he really did care about her?

Too little too late.

Good on her being able to tell get out early when he began harassing her