Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

Nah. That is probably what 2 of my exes thing. But I tried to talk to them. They ignored me. Love ends when your feelings are ignored.

And TBH, he sounds a little unstable, bordering on stalkerish. That'd push her away even faster. I have been there. Nothing permanently slams the door, incites active dislike, more than being hounded.

You really need to let him know that if he doesn't full-on stop now, that she could end up going to the police.

HOW ARE YOU STILL SO BLINKERED? Seriously. She probably did, very much. So much so that she wanted to plan a future with him. But HE rejected her. So she’s given it time and mentally prepared herself for the split. He hasn’t understood what she wanted (or was too selfish to) and that is reinforced by all his subsequent behaviour. It also looks like it’s behaviour learned from you. Please wake up and take these posts to heart. Hopefully you’ll have read that 27 or 30 isn’t too old to start again and he can make someone else a much better partner. But it won’t happen without a bit of introspection. Stop blaming her!

She did. He said No.

Sympathy for his feelings, but only in the framework of the relationship being over and he needs to learn from it if he doesn’t want it to happen again.

It will be good for him to learn that good women are not to be taken for granted. He really underestimated her, didn’t he.

As his mother, you definitely at some point over the next few weeks need to say that his actions showed he didn’t really see her as long term, and that she is fully right to walk away with her dignity intact.
His words and actions demonstrated to her that the relationship wasn’t that important to him- and if it was important why did he choose not to communicate openly with her.

I think you should reflect that instead of blaming the gf, perhaps you should have had a conversation with him about his plans some time ago, OP. Or your DH maybe. If my son were three years into a relationship, I'd be asking about any marriage plans. If it was clear he was stalling while she was willing, I'd ask why, and point out that the pitfalls of stringing her along any further.

Anyway, he's in the find out phase of fucking around, and you'll have to support him now.

No your son doesn't need sympathy.

His exGF is the one who has had her heart broken (by your son) and he needs to learn from this monumental faff-up. His dad is spot on.

She did. He said no.

He then called her wish to discuss timelines "silly".

Sometimes blunt is kind

We have no idea how many chances he's already had. If you've got an image in your head of the man you love going down on one knee and asking you to marry him, it takes a lot to chuck that wish away for a conversation where you are worried he might laugh at you or get stroppy. And she's taken that chance, abandoned that little, silly, romantic dream where for once, she's got the fairy tale - for him to laugh and say he's not interested in her emotions about it and won't do it even as a completely unromantic 'yeah, alright, let's buy a ring on Saturday'.

The mother of adult sons, I’d offer little sympathy but echo your DH who is spot on. Stop mollycoddling your son if you want him to learn and avoid a similar situation.

I disagree.

You can love someone very deeply, and then something happens that is like a bucket of ice being tipped over your head and suddenly, you're seeing that familiar face as if for the first time and it's not at all what you thought it was. Often referred to on Mumsnet as 'getting the ick'.

She saw her future with OP's son, but that conversation a few months back showed her that he didn't really see his future with her; she saw that he didn't think of her as Miss Right, he saw her as Miss Right-Now.

Bucket of ice, slap in the face, woke up and smelled the coffee, shock to the system, wake-up call, scales falling from her eyes, getting the ick - call it what you will, it happened, and as a result of that conversation.

Or, more likely in my opinion, it's been building slowly, her love dying the death of a thousand cuts served up by his thoughtless taking her for granted; and that last-hope conversation crystallised that she'd been kidding herself for years and he wasn't committed to her at all, so why flog a dead horse?

(Apologies for all the cliches, but sadly I see what has happened to this couple as just that.)

Did he fanny around making you beg for some commitment? Or did he get on with it and ask you to marry him?

Yes, by all means pander to him and sympathise with him and give him all he needs to ensure he doesn't learn from this and continues to mess future women about in the same way and blame them for his shortcomings.

Your dh is right on the money and your son is the problem here as actually are you. The internalised misogyny is strong with you isn't it.

“If you don’t want to be with someone you don’t have to be”

Which is exactly why the son shied away from ‘marriage’ - she might have been a gf but she wasn’t a wife.

I agree with everyone else saying your husband is right. You need to stop babying him. He’s messed her around and she had enough. Good for her. And someone needs to tell him straight. Heartbroken he might be, but this will happen again unless he hears what your husband is telling him.

So why is he chasing her now? Is he trying to win back the chance to be the one who dumps her?

I can't work out your salad brain thoughts.

Which is exactly why the ex girlfriend was 100% correct to end it sooner rather than later, given that OP’s son preferred having her around for wife-services without committing.

I agree with your last paragraph: from his perspective she wasn’t wife material.

They’re both better off going separate ways.

But the gf is not the heroine many of the previous posters here suggest. She’s just one of two people who let the relationship drag on far too long.

She showed he true colours by the immature ending; which clearly many posters here agree with, extolling their own selfishnesses as well.

Relationships can be brought to a close far more elegantly than the gf did.

What makes a wife, then, @Saladbrains? Someone who’ll put up with crumbs? A woman who’ll be strung along at someone else’s convenience in order to “be kind”? Someone who takes back a man who could only be arsed to treat her with any importance once he realised his comfortable lifestyle had come to an abrupt end? Someone who’ll put up will put up with being ridiculed for wanting to be treated honestly and fairly?

Do tell.

Edit: I see from your previous post that it’s someone who acts selflessly and elegantly. The 50s called and wanted their attitudes back. The 1850s.

No shit, as ‘being a wife’ does tend to require marriage. Got any more stunning insights?

I agree with you if her self worth is waiting around from age 27 to age 30 and then running away in a tantrum: she couldn’t even stay to look him in the eye when she wanted him to pack his bags.

Spineless and worthless.

Cherchez l'homme.

I think you have hit the nail bang on the head. Perhaps the talk of marriage is a red herring - a trumped up reason to blame the OP’s son for the breakdown of the relationship when it she who has brought it down.

The OP said this outcome basically came out of the blue, and, as one sage Mumsnetter once remarked “If things do not make sense, it is because there is something you are not being told.”

I reckon the girlfriend is one crafty cookie.

100%. Any woman who has ended a LTR can tell you the moment it clicked into 'over' for her. I can tell you the date for my 2 exes. I remember where they were standing, what they said, how I felt. Instant heartbreak (for me). Their heartbreak came later when I left. Like the OP's son, they both were confident they were in a secure relationship, no idea they ended it by ignoring my feelings.

So she tried to initiate a conversation about the future and marriage but he shuts her down - called her "silly" and wouldn't even have a conversation

She waits a few months but he does nothing

She decides there is no future in the relationship and it's time to move on

.... but you think she should drag him against his will into a marriage