DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Well he's already told you he's morally and ethically questionable in his willingness to be an affair partner. Personally I'd expect him to be looking to move job as the situation isn't ok and him telling you you need to accept it is crap

I don't think you are unreasonable to worry. Tbh the bigger red flag is that neither of them seemed to care much about her being married at the time of their previous relationship which suggests they have questionable morals already.

Equally it could be nothing...

Could we deploy the Mumsnet community locally to lurk nearby?

Well that’s to be expected from being with someone who has affairs. I mean you found out about this wonderful quality of his at the very beginning so why on earth didn’t you run?

He was single (and fairly young) at the time. Not that I judged it fondly, but it was in the past and not my business.

It’s about trust. If you don’t trust him then there’s no point to the relationship.

Aaaaa I can see what a difficult situation this is.
If he told you about the joint project and the overnight trip (and you didn't find out from elsewhere) then I would say give him the benefit of doubt.
Even if it's completely innocent you would always be wondering about it at the back of your head. The seeds of doubt are already there 😞
I'm so sorry!
But definitely try to chat about this in a calm logical, non accusatory way because your feelings about this are valid.

This.

Turn it round. Think of someone from your past, a previous lover, and think, would I still be interested?? Mostly the answer would be no....

I’m kind of on the fence with this as I don’t know how your relationship is generally and only you know if you trust him. If you don’t then you need to walk away as without trust there is no relationship.

I’d be the same if I were you. I’d ask him not to go - to ring in sick etc. Out of respect for you. This is so not on. He should avoid her like the plague and you shouldn’t have to ask.

Difficult for you. Very. I'd be as concerned about DP's inability to understand your point of view as I would about the work trip. Is he planning on drinking at the hotel, OP? And would he talk to you openly about how he's going to 'manage' himself throughout the trip?

A positive is that he has told you that they are going together and that the car colleague has dropped out.

Why don’t you go with him and stay in the hotel with him op.

You're not WRONG to feel how you feel and I don't think you can snap your fingers and get over it. And it's shady of him to say your feelings are "ridiculous" - that is actually the ONE part of what you've written here that WOULD make me worry. But if you generally trust him to be truthful WITH YOU, I guess you have to accept that work has decreed that these two people go on this work trip together and it's not optional.

How would you expect him to excuse himself without appearing unprofessional or suffering negative professional consequences? I'm not saying he CAN'T, depending on the exact circumstances, but be clear what you're asking him to do.

I don't think it matters if he goes or he doesn't. You think that, given the opportunity, he'd sleep with her.

Either you're right or that's incredibly insulting.

Nope. Wouldn’t be happy with this. It wouldn’t be happening.

I agree with this, he should not have gone out of respect for OP but men are stupid and don't think like this 😅
There needs to be a conversation about this.
He probably can't ring in sick on this occasion because there would be repercussions from work for this short notice.

I asked him outright not to go using whatever reason necessary and he refused to entertain this.

To the person who asked above - yes, I’m sure he will be drinking as he gets a dinner allowance and there’s always left over for a couple of drinks.

The other guy dropped out, there's space for you to go now ;)
You can share his room

Do you trust him or not?

Me and DP are both friends with ex's. It's not a problem because I trust my partner not to cheat on me. If I didn't trust her, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her.

An old MN phrase seems appropriate. When someone tells you who they are....

Lol
From my external lenses, it doesn't appear that this particular trip itself is the issue.

It appears that OP feels that given the opportunity he would sleep with the ex.

OP have you had reasons to suspect infidelity since you've been together?

Personally if he went, he wouldn’t be coming home again. No way.

Everything he says is reassuring

until

he minimises your feelings

Can you go with him OP?
I always feel that if something makes you uncomfortable then your DP should reconsider doing the thing that is making you uncomfortable.
it would be different if you were trying to restrict your DPs life in multiple instances but this is one thing that quite rightly worries you.

What would you do OP, if you were asked to go an an important work trip with an ex?

What would your response be if DP didn't trust you to behave yourself for a couple of days?

Obviously he's previously demonstrated questionable moral behaviour, which is probably why you're so worried, but you knew that.