DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Is the issue that he’s not taking your concern seriously?
or that he’s going and the logistics?
I think he’s been totally honest and transparent. I’d expect you to trust him and not expect him to pull out of a work event at the last minute which is pretty unprofessional behaviour.
on the other hand. I think he’s could be a bit more understanding that you don’t live the set up.
in his shoes I would go and would really object to be ‘refused permission’ by my spouse. Usually I’d be really empathetic and say I understood he was uncomfortable but tbh if my husband told me not to do something it would put my back up and I’d say I’m doing it anyway.

He gave far too much information about his sex life with her at the beginning for me to feel comfortable with it now.
In my experience men never forget good sex and reminisce about it years later which is risky given they are back to being together in a hotel.

The least he could do is not drink. You've said that he talked to you about the sex he had with her when he was drunk, his tongue loosened. Foolish decisions can be made when a man (or a woman) is in his cups.

How convenient that the third colleague dropped out and they have to share a car. And what a coincidence that despite working in. different parts of the company, they have been put on the same project requiring an overnight trip. I mean, what are the odds?

Put it this way: if you told your boyfriend you were going on an overnight work trip with a colleague you used to shag, would he be totally cool with it? I suspect not.

Do you actually think he’s going to cheat?

because of proximity, he still fancies her ?

its his ex, they work at the same company and it happened a long time ago.

for some things you either have to trust your partner or leave. As if he wanted to keep seeing her he would? It’s not as if there’s been anything stopping him.

you are fine to feel upset or uncomfortable but he is also ok to feel annoyed that you think the only thing stopping him from cheating is proximity

he shouldn’t dismiss your feelings at all and he really should be making an effort to reassure you. You need to decide what outcome you want from this?

God I cringed reading this, can you imagine actually trying to tag along to his work meeting as you’re so worried he’s going to be unfaithful,

if you think he will, then your marriage is already over op. It’s that simple and that complex.

It could go either way.
If she's still interested in him he may well decide to take advantage of the situation, sleep with her again like the old days, and lie to you, banking on being able to persuade you that you have 'trust issues' if you don't believe him.
Equally, she may not longer be interested in him, or he in her. Or he could be tempted but prioritise your relationship.
The only thing you can be certain of is that unless he doesn't go, or you turn up at the hotel, you'll never know for sure.
Personally if I were him, I'd understand what a big ask that places on you in terms of trust, call in sick, and not go.

Except it's not just his ex is it? It's a woman he had an affair with which shows he's happy to cheat given the opportunity

Tbf, he was single. She had an affair.

Why did they stop seeing each other? If they disliked each other I wouldn’t be as worried

Yes and so is she

He didn't cheat though, she did.

It's a tricky one because he is being transparent and it's difficult to get out of something like this at work, but I totally understand OP feeling uncomfortable. Ultimately it comes down to whether you trust him or not.

It all seems to have fallen very nicely for them doesn't it? The company forcing them to share a car and this third colleague dropping out - are you certain there even was a third colleague?

I wouldn't trust them as far as i could throw them. At the very least they are going to be reminiscing about their great sex over a few drinks. And that could lead anywhere

And him telling you your valid concerns are ridiculous shows how much he cares about you and your feelings.

As pp have said: you obviously don't trust him. And I think you should be thinking whether you want to stay in a relationship with this guy.

Nope, I would be very uncomfortable with this despite him apparently upfront about the situation. You can't stop him from going, he isn't prepared to not go, so I think you just have to decide if you can live with never fully knowing if this trip was innocent or not. I couldn't.

If he's innocent and values you, he should be looking to change jobs where he doesn't work with her at all anymore.

When people tell you who they are - listen.

Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to get into a committed relationship with someone who has openly behaved like that?

2 hour journey and it’s an overnighter? He’s taking the piss. I was imagining 5/6 hours away at least.

Deploy a mumsnet spy? where is the meeting?

Honestly the bigger issue here is that you don't trust him. It's fairly black and white really. If you are so concerned that he may cheat just because he may have opportunity then there isn't much hope for the relationship in general.

Well no, he was single and much younger and it was clearly just sex. It was her who cheated, sure still skanky, but he didn’t have an affair.

I get why you feel like that. Although It does sound like he can’t really get out of this trip. I’d personally have been bothered by the fact he slept with a married woman in the first place.

Men will take it where they can get it so this doesn’t really apply to them.

At the end of the day, he either values the relationship enough not to, or he doesn’t.
I do think playing it much much cooler would have been a better strategy. Just: how do you feel about it? Do you think she’ll try to recreate an intimate atmosphere? Can I be honest, I fret a bit about your best intentions when there is alcohol in the mix?

There is no point sweating about it, in a way.
Maybe, ask him to reverse the roles a bit and think about how he feels about you behaving as he intends to.
Ask him what differences there are between someone who behaves honorably and someone who doesn’t care that much about his relationship.

Given that you are where you are, there is enormous power in knowing that he will just go straight in the bin if anything happens. You don’t even need to tell him, and playing away always comes out. Trust yourself that you will know if anything happens between them.

He's no better than her, though. He chose to sleep with a married woman.

If you believe that there's no prospect of any man ever being faithful, so it doesn't really matter what happens on this trip.

I’m sorry that’s your experience but many men in committed relationships won’t just shag anything. Some will.