DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

I was saying yes to sleeping with people who have partners

although she didn’t at the time as he was single

Well no. I’m sure to him he wasn’t the cheat she was.

assuming that someone can’t change or grow as they get older is ridiculous. If that’s the case then op should be afraid of every woman he is in contact with as that assumes he will cheat at any moment

if thinks this why is she with him?

Pointless advice to any woman who has ever been blindsided by cheating and any woman who has ever read about other women being blindsided by cheated. Eyes open. Always.

Sure but that’s different to always assuming rhey will cheat and trying to ensure rhey never get the opportunity, what a miserable way to live. I think id rather be blindsided tha live my life controlling my husband.

All of this.

Two ethically and morally questionable individuals going away together would make me
uncomfortable and I doubt what he says is true about this being the only option.

Opportunity + alcohol+ temptation. My feeling would be if he's shagged her before (and had the best sex ever), he'll shag her again. Knowing how you feel, he should have called in sick. He hasn't

Oh cmon, he was young and shagging an older married colleague. Many single blokes would go there. Doesn’t mean they cheat when married,

ifs always the same on here, as soon as infidelity is mentioned the whole conversation is derailed wirh hyper ventilating.

So to make it clear, many people in your shoes would not be happy so if he starts telling you that you are being crazy or paranoid you can safely know you are not thinking outside the norm.

she clearly found him attractive and happily had an affair. Why would she not try it again. Sounds like the only reason it stopped was because of circumstance. Not genuine loss of interest.

that kind of coercion plus alcohol and a hotel away from home can prove a recipe to fuck up badly

Do YOU sleep with everybody you ever slept with again, if you end up having the opportunity?

Because jealousy is about you, not him.

He was honest, he told you. You can be miffed he had sex with her then, but you are being silly. What would stop him from wanting to have sex with someone new, younger etc instead? I mean, if someone wants to cheat, they can do it any time, they don't need to try to get their old fling back.

Many single blokes wouldn’t if they knew she was married. And most importantly it sounds like it ended out of circumstance not loss of attraction.

she was happy to cheat so why would she not still? Plus alcohol. Plus a hotel away from home. Not a great recipe

You can't control other people. You either trust them or you don't. If you don't, well this is not the right person for you.

I wouldn't love it but he's been honest about the situation and open about going to this meeting with her.

My instinct is that nothing is going to happen, he's not interested in her, he's told you because he wants you to know everything

But if you make this an issue he might not tell you things in future for an easy life and where will you be then

There’s no signal that OP ‘always assumes he will cheat’ or ‘has a life controlling’ him, so what’s that got to do with anything?

A situation has arisen which makes her uncomfortable and she’s asking advice.

Me too. No way on gods green earth I’d be having any of it. I don’t care how loyal a man is, he’s admitted she was his best. Now they’re going to be thrown together, away, in a hotel with drink involved.
What if it’s served to him on a plate? A one off for old times sake? They’ve both already proven they shit on people I think it’s an insult he’s even going.

OP if you can’t go with him I’d be telling him not to come back. You’re always going to wonder if he did or not and it’ll eat away at you.

If he goes ahead with this I would break up with him without a doubt

Then what would you do to stop it. It’s his work. You can’t ban him from going or tag along like some deranged jealous spouse.

This.

Seems a bit convenient the other colleague is unwell and not going I would definitely be feeling some kind of way about this too

He happily told you that he’d been seeing a married woman and it was the best sex he’d ever had? I’d have dumped him right there and then.
What a prick.

Hopefully the break up was bad and they now only tolerate each other, or it's only going to end one way and you won't like it. A friendly chat about old times in the car, a nice meal and a few drinks in the bar and then...

I wouldn't trust them together as far as I could throw them.

OP said he said the sex with the married woman was the best sex he'd ever had until he met OP.

Still bloody outrageous!!!!

Yeah I'd be uncomfortable in your shoes at the thought of it but I'd roll with it. It's work, their relationship is in the past. If you trust him then that's all there is to it.

He was p*ssed. Still a very silly thing to say.

Oh dear.

First its testing the water by letting you know they are now back in comms, then take it a bit further seeing how you react over a trip with someone else going....now gosh darn would you believe it its just him and the best sex he ever had going. Alone.

Yikes.