DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

Usually, I'd say this too, but I think what's dodgy here is that they obviously got a thrill out of her being married IMO. All the sneaking around and hotels, the possibility of getting caught - this is mostly likely what made it 'the best sex he's ever had.'

For clarity, I have never met a man that I trust and very few that I like.

You are not being unreasonable at all, of course that’s worrying. But if you think about it logically what can he actually do? He didn’t have an affair with this woman (she’s the one with questionable morals in that situation they used to have). Also, work will absolutely expect him to do this, I doubt very much he can tell them the truth. I don’t like how he has dismissed your fears but I do also think he probably didn’t need to tell you she would be there but he did. My instinct here is that he has no ill intentions (unless you have other reasons we don’t know).

I’m really not sure he can get out of this but I do think he needs to look elsewhere for work if this is going to be a recurring situation.

Sorry OP it’s a shitty situation to be in and for him as well really because you’re not going to be going easy on him for a while I imagine, I hope it works out for you.

I couldn’t give a shit if he was pissed.
It was outrageous to say it to his current partner and I have higher values than to brush it off and be with someone who openly admits he slept with a married woman and then said what he did.
Hardly a prince is he?!

A two hour trip doesn't require an overnight.
In most places, you expense it or take time in lieu if travelling after hours.

For that reason alone I'm suspicious.

Also, what sort of a halfwhit tells their partner, the best sex they ever had was with someone else.

I don't see the attraction to this man at all.

Actually yeah, 2 hours? Why is he staying over the massive fanny??

And I don’t understand the old line ‘if there’s no trust then there’s nothing.’ Surely everyone should think that there’s a chance their partner would cheat? Or maybe I’m completely cynical. Complete and blind trust seems mad to me when we see so many stories of infidelity.

*YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do.

Both things can be true at the same time.
I'd uneasy in your shoes atm because of your Dhs past.
However, as you say he was young.
People make many mistakes when they are young that they would never do with the benefit of maturity and hindsight. What was exciting and edgy when you are 20 can appear seedy and grim at 40( or whatever)

Personally my standards are higher than a man who slept with a married woman because he was "young and single".

Nah, two hours would be an overnight where I work.

OP, I can see why you're uncomfortable but at the end of the day, she's a colleague and he can't just refuse to work with her or go to the same events purely because he shagged her years ago.

Ultimately, why did you marry a man you believe would cheat on you?

Given the history I would love anyone to say that they would be comfortable with this!!

Well he would add 'until I met you' wouldn't he?!

Op, he was complicit. Shagging married people demonstrates an absolute disregard for basic decency.

Of course he'll shag her at their cosy overnighter, why wouldn't he? Tell him to come home or it's over.

Exactly. 5hrs, fine. 2hrs? No chance.

I’ve never worked for a company that would agree an overnight stay on a 2 hour each way drive, especially for 2 people. They’d have expected the driving to be shared and require a 3+ hour drive each way for a hotel stay.

Yes - unethical and immoral.

The fact that many single blokes are apparently equally unethical and immoral is neither here nor there.

Well he didn't care that she was married so I don't see how he would care that he is married. Fidelity in marriage is clearly not important to either of them.

That's not the worst of it though. The worst is how he fobs off your concerns. The patronising pat on head would have me leaving him even before he had a chance to get his leg over.

Once he’s been there once it will be easy for him to go there again . I think he’s lying to you OP no way would I allow this .

Ive never known anyone stay overnight for a 2 hour trip in my 33 years of working. 2 hours is absolutely nothing.

Sorry op, I do think something is very fishy about this. The slow building up to it just being them, staying over a measly 2 hour drive.....hmm.....if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its probably not going to be a pigeon....

I do this regularly as do all my colleagues, it’s due to the team dinner after. Often a second day of meetings the next day,

Yeah this is a good point - why is he staying over.

Probably not only 2 going from your area when that's the case though?

He doesn’t have to stay over, He wants too. He’s admitted she was amazing in bed. Don’t think there’s much more to say…

It sounds to me that's he's actually arranged an overnighter with her and has mentioned her and said it's a work thing incase any messages etc drop him in it. Why did the other person allegedly drop out? I bet there never was a third person.
Dump him op.

Also I would find it really weird if my partner went into great detail on how good sex with an ex was.
It sounds so immature.

I think the fact he's told you means he's going to make sure nothing happens. A work trip would be the perfect time for a secret affair if he wanted one!

Yes, that was the alarm bell for me. Even before this situation arose, he wanted OP to know she needs to be on her toes.