DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

I can understand why you’re upset but what can he do? Say he can’t attend as you’re jealous as he once had an affair with his colleague?

She didn’t- she refers to him as her partner.

What would worry me OP is the time spent in the car together reminiscing over shared history, bringing up past experiences together. I’d be concerned this intimate chat would raise old feelings. I doubt very much it WON’T be mentioned at some point over two hours, especially if the sex they had was very memorable.

I'm sure it's been said a million times already but it's his attitude towards your legitimate concerns that's the red flag here. That and his questionable moral compass obviously.

He has replied now and said he was in the gym/pool and didn’t have time to reply (despite reading them). He says I need to leave him to get on with things and not try to ruin his evening. And that I am being silly as if he wanted to ‘shag’ her again why would he have told me she was going at all, and that I should be grateful he’s so honest.

I wouldn’t like it , he’s very honest with you though.
How come they stopped seeing one another in the first place ?

Wow. That reply is even more reason to dump him. What a turd he is!

Not try to ruin his evening! Nah. This man doesn't give enough of a shit about you.

Save yourself all the future grief - dump him now and work on finding someone who you can have an emotionally mature and mutually respectful relationship with because that's not what you have here.

If one is fine with this sort of thing, as am I, one is disparaged on MN as a ‘cool girl’. The implication is one must be desperate to put up with this.

I tend to think the opposite - you’d have to be desperate to be in a relationship with a man you thought would cheat given the first opportunity.

I once said something along the lines of ‘if you’re going to do it you’ll do it, there’s no point in me trying to control you’, and he made the very reasonable point that more pertinent was ‘have I ever given you the impression that I’d cheat on you?’.

So, has he ever given you the impression that he’d cheat?

Is it just this woman you’re concerned about? What if it was another ex? A female friend?

Yep. Fuck that shit .

That to me would be enough to pack his stuff and deliver it to the hotel. My ex used to do this all the time (not cheating but just in general) make it out that I was the problem, to cause an argument so he didnt have to talk to me. In your situation my head would be like a firework. Gaslighting at its finest!!

Do you usually video call when he works away?

I understood why they are traveling in the same car, and staying at the same hotel. That would be standard for the majority of companies. Him not going, that's not necessarily going to be possible though is it? It depends how important this meeting is, and if he didn't attend would it cause a massive issue? The likelihood is, yes, it probably would. If he's working on a project and has to attend a meeting at another office, then I'd say his involvement is necessary. Most companies these days don't pay for hire cars, hotels, overtime and allowances, so staff can go on a nice jolly. It's usually out of necessity.

As someone else said, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't then there's little point in being in the relationship. He got involved with an older married woman, and was her affair partner. He didn't seem bothered by the fact she's married, so you could say his morals are questionable. You did say he was young - it could have been a stupid misjudged mistake.

If he's working on a project with this woman, there may be more trips like this. Even if he was able to get out of this trip, he can't do that for every future one!

What's he normally like when he's away for work? Or in general? Does he normally leave messages unanswered or do you get a call/video call when away?

What I'm basically asking is - is this his normal character to read messages and not reply and is he acting his normal self when he's away for work?

Honestly, I understand why he can't cancel and that you should trust him but he should understand why you feel the way you do because it's understandable and he should be reassuring you. He's doing the opposite.

Sorry but I’d be massively put off by someone happily sleeping with a married woman and telling me it was the best sex he ever had. I feel like these relationships are almost doomed from the start.

Of course you can’t trust him, he’s enjoyed being sneaky with a married woman for a year before.

Oh. I'm not a LTB type, but he's showing absolutely no concern for you and how you must be feeling. Cheating or not, I'd be telling him not to worry, you won't be spoiling any more of his life.

Yeah the defensiveness, gaslighting and arsiness are just making it worse.
I'd go out with friends, ignore him and get rid op. He should be nice and reassuring not dismissing you.
You say he is a dp, are you financially tied or is he just a bf?

I'd spend his absence packing up his stuff...... he's clearly got no respect for you.

What a complete arse!

I’d be done. Zero regard for your feelings and you should be grateful? That right there screams bullshit.

I’d never want my partner to feel this way. If I was forced on the trip I’d make sure he came along rather than stay sat at home feeling like shit.

Did you mention in your messages you were worried hed shag her?

I think his attitude towards you is appalling and I commented saying my instinct was there’s nothing going on!

Who does he think he is asking you to leave him alone? Ignoring you for ages? My OH is dreadful but would answer my messages promptly! It’s the evening, surely he wants to communicate with you. And grateful? For honesty? He’s a prick sorry.

Well that’s really condescending and dismissive

amazing he can’t see what the problem might be - he has his head in a bucket’

of course there’s always a chance but It’s not something that crosses my mind if my DP talks about a woman or goes on a work trip with a woman or goes to dinner / cinema with a female friend. wether I’ve met them or not.

I trust him. If it got to a point where I was anxious about him going out or not answering the phone or having female friends I would leave because that is a lack of trust.

He's making you the unreasonable, paranoid nag in his head now. Probably because he's enjoying being with her, and remembering how much "fun" they have together. He'll use your concerns to justify sleeping with her later.

There's no point messaging him again as he's going to do what he wants to do, and it'll further make you the possessive nag in his mind, and her the fun ex. Focus on packing his shit instead!