DP having overnight work trip with woman he used to sleep with

[Fishoutwater]

I’m losing my mind about this, and my partner is just telling me I’m being ridiculous and can’t see why I’ve reacted how I have.

When we met 3 years ago, we talked quite openly about past relationships etc. He told me he was seeing a married woman who is quite a bit older than him over the course of about a year having met at work. They’d book hotels and used to travel to work together for overnights at another office. He said this was really exciting at the time and drunkenly told me once that before me, it was the best sex he’d ever had in his life.

They’ve remained working at the same (big) company but in different roles so their paths haven’t crossed much since. However, a few months ago he told me there was a project which required them both to attend calls about.

Last week, he told me that there was a big project meeting at the company’s northern site and he’d need to stay overnight (it’s today). The company provide a hire car but where colleagues are travelling from the same base location, they need to share rather than have a car each. So he told me that he’d have to travel up with this woman and another colleague.

Yesterday, he told me that the other colleague is no longer going so it’s just him and the woman. It’s a 2 hour journey and they are staying at the same hotel, and travelling back together tomorrow.

I obviously told him how uncomfortable I feel about this and he was adamant he had no other option and that I needed to accept it was just for work and he’s forgotten about her these days.

YABU - it’s just work, doesn’t mean anything so get over it.
YANBU - you are right to feel how you do

any man knows full well its disrespectful to their partner to even be anywhere near someone like this, given their history.

i think hes being honest, so it throws you off.
They definately plan on sharing s bed

Or hes hiding it in plain sight

To be honest I’m not sure what you want him to say/do. You either trust him or you don’t.

I travel a lot for work, I’m on a high income, and if you’re going to ask the company to expense another car to avoid a colleague - it will raise eyebrows and he won’t be seen as a team player.

If he wants to make his own arrangements, I’m sure his company would want to know if he’s intending to expense that etc and what the issue is with what has been arranged.

Beyond that, he has had sex with her before he met you yes, but has he actually given you any reason to think he’d suddenly have sex with her now and cheat on you? Like does he have issues with impulse control or has he indicated he’s not happy with your relationship/might be looking elsewhere? Cause I don’t entirely accept the thought process that he is going to cheat just because he’s in proximity of an ex at a work function.

He left at lunchtime so will have been there a while now. Not that he has told me, he has read two messages asking if he got there okay and not replied.

I have not voted because yes I can completely see why you’d be uncomfortable but you also can’t ask him not to go - you either trust him or you don’t.

You have no choice but to hope he remains faithful and be prepared to break up with him if not.

That was my thought, too. Who tells a new partner that?!

He's told her to cover his tracks. If the married women's name comes up 'oh yes she was at the work do I told you, the one we had to inexplicably stay overnight at despite being only 2hrs away'.

What time is he due home?

He said tomorrow evening as they will travel back after a full days work.

OP pack an overnight bag. When he gets home be on your way out to have dinner and spend the night in a hotel with your ex. Separate rooms of course. Give him a cheery wave.

Knob

Their affair is still going on - except he is also now cheating - on you !
Seriously- wake up and see what is going on in front of your eyes!

He's not reassuring you is he - he knows your worried and he's ignoring you - that's dis respectful.

Bugger me, that's just unkind now.

You are learning now why it was absolutely your "business" and should have been a huge red flag for you.

Whether he is unfaithful tonight or not is irrelevant, this is not really about him. You do not trust him, you believe he will cheat on you if the opportunity arises, and you will never be 100% sure if he is faithful to you tonight.

That is no basis for a healthy long term relationship or your mental wellbeing.

Assume the best until you know that's not the case. So same car, same hotel. So what?
Trust is not only something you earn it is something you give. If you want your DP to have an affair then do go on about how you don't trust him.

He hasn’t forgotten about her these days, nobody forgets about the best sex in their life! Tbh I’d be asking to see the emails from the company telling them the details about having to work away for the night, also bit convenient that the other colleague dropped out, shame he couldn’t drop out based on the history he has with this woman.

His lack of texting is a red flag for me. Any person with an ounce of intelligence would expect their partner to be worried about this so would go out of their way to reassure them - including texting as soon as humanly possible.

From past experience I would say he is sleeping with her and this trip was arranged with that in mind.
My ex wife used to arrange the school trips and very coincidentally the bloke also a teacher she was no longer sleeping with or spending time with was also on the trips.
Yes in the end I did find out the truth and we are now divorced.

Don't put yourself through years of hell and hurt like I did.
Me and my daughter are scarred for life by the constant years of lying and deceit

The dp has proven he's quite happy to shag married people so his morals are dubious to say the least. She was the best sex he'd had they used to book hotels together for work trips, much like what's gone on here.

There is not a chance I'd ok dh traveling and staying overnight with an ex. Not a chance.

To be fair, he's not a cheat, she is. Focus on the problem. How much influence does she have over him?

You clearly don't trust him so why are you still in the relationship?

I would be concerned that he knows you are justifiably worried that he will be unfaithful and yet he us not taken decisive steps before and during the work trip to keep in touch and reassure you that you are the only woman that he is interested in.

He seems to be keeping the possibility of cheating on the table.

I wouldn't be cool with this. He's got a shit character though so I wouldn't have progressed with him in the first place though. Things that show a person's character, like him banging coworkers (so he shits where he works) and married ones too, show if you're compatible.

Since he hasn't bothered responding to your messages, I'd be done. This is massive disrespect.

I hope you don't live together. If you don't just send him a text ending it and block. If you do, you two have to figure out who goes.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to feel insecure about this. The big red flag for me is his failure to validate your feelings and reassure you. Telling you that you’re ridiculous is just gaslighting.

If he genuinely cared about you, he’d either cancel the trip or travel home tonight. Reading your texts and then ignoring you is just cruel and an indication of how much contempt he has for you.

You shouldn't have to expect a partner to duck out of work trips to assuage your insecurity around an individual he works with.

You shouldn't need to tag along on a work trip to get in between him and his 'great love / shag'.

If this woman he slept with is going to be an issue, address how you feel about it and how he can sensibly reassure you, in a way that doesn't compromise his career or his reputation at work.

We had a wife that used to tag along on her pilot husband's flights (he was sexually incontinent), and it was just pitiable. It diminished both her and him. Don't become her.

Work on the trust or dump him.