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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 16/12/2025 10:59

Would he listen to his sisters?

Or ask him what his advice would be if a boyfriend of one of his sisters was giving these demands etc

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2025 11:00

I’d hide his passport. Then deal with the fallout afterwards, better angry and disappointed than dead

Stompythedinosaur · 16/12/2025 11:00

At 18 he has to make his own decisions.

Just stay available and keep reminding him it isn't normal to try to cut a partner off from their family and friends.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2025 11:00

I’d hide his passport. Then deal with the fallout afterwards, better angry and disappointed than dead

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:02

sittingonabeach · 16/12/2025 10:59

Would he listen to his sisters?

Or ask him what his advice would be if a boyfriend of one of his sisters was giving these demands etc

Edited

They are a bit younger. 15 year old said if she was dating someone who was doing this to her what would he do. He answered a perfectly normal response and she then asked him why he can't apply it to himself and he had no answer.

OP posts:
NormasArse · 16/12/2025 11:02

I’d be very concerned too.

Hiding his passport would kind of prove her right though.

What do his friends think?

lifeturnsonadime · 16/12/2025 11:03

Blimey OP. Have you actually been able to have a conversation about your DS about how odd her behaviour is?

How about his Dad?

I'd like to think that most 18 year olds would know that this is not normal. Saying her brother has a gun is beyond odd.

Where does she actually live?

NormasArse · 16/12/2025 11:03

Actually, I saw your update on the brother’s gun. Hide the passport. Or develop a leak where it’s stored so it’s unusable.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:05

lifeturnsonadime · 16/12/2025 11:03

Blimey OP. Have you actually been able to have a conversation about your DS about how odd her behaviour is?

How about his Dad?

I'd like to think that most 18 year olds would know that this is not normal. Saying her brother has a gun is beyond odd.

Where does she actually live?

We have had many, many conversations, he then gets a backbone and has it out with her- she's lovely for a couple of weeks, then starts her shit back up again.

OP posts:
Funkytuna · 16/12/2025 11:06

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Show quote history

Definitely hide his passport. Just because he’s 18 now doesn’t mean his life is worth less than it was a year ago and it’s now magically worth risking it just because he’s an adult technically.

I would sit him down and make him watch a documentary on Jodi Arias and/or similar. He needs his eyes opening that this stuff actually does happen with people like this.

blankcanvas3 · 16/12/2025 11:06

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Show quote history

You cannot let him go! That’s terrifying. Perhaps a little bit closer to the time his passport gets damaged somehow?

JudgeBread · 16/12/2025 11:06

My youngest brother is in a relationship with a nutter too. It's so worrying but if you start interfering (like hiding his passport) all you'll do is push him further from you and closer to her.

Unfortunately it's a hard lesson that he'll learn eventually as he goes. If I could make my brother leave his controlling, vicious girlfriend I would - but I can't. He's grown. All I can do is be here to support him.

MinnieCauldwell · 16/12/2025 11:07

Have you tracked her socials? Reverse image searched her face?
She may not be real. It's amazing how scammers can manipulate videos etc.

Offer to have her over to the UK. See what happens. Say you would love to meet her, you will pay for her flight.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:08

Funkytuna · 16/12/2025 11:06

Definitely hide his passport. Just because he’s 18 now doesn’t mean his life is worth less than it was a year ago and it’s now magically worth risking it just because he’s an adult technically.

I would sit him down and make him watch a documentary on Jodi Arias and/or similar. He needs his eyes opening that this stuff actually does happen with people like this.

Show quote history

We did that last week. We got him to the point we said she could come here- if she doesn't want to meet us fine- book a hotel that we are close to. We have offered to pick her up from the airport and drop her back etc. I really do not want him going there. She has obviously been lovely again and he's now saying it'll be fine when he goes there.

OP posts:
kirinm · 16/12/2025 11:08

Is this person definitely real as in they are who they say they are? I’m not sure how you deal with it OP but I think I’d be tempted to hide the passport too.

Have you explained how this behaviour is not rational or normal?

RaininSummer · 16/12/2025 11:09

She is a lunatic. Maybe show him this thread too. Many years ago I had a friend who was chased out of the Phillipines by a girl's brother's with machetes.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:09

kirinm · 16/12/2025 11:08

Is this person definitely real as in they are who they say they are? I’m not sure how you deal with it OP but I think I’d be tempted to hide the passport too.

Have you explained how this behaviour is not rational or normal?

Yeah she's real. We have done all of that, I have her address etc as he's sent her things and first time we did the sticker label together as he'd never sent anything abroad. I just don't know.

OP posts:
MinnieCauldwell · 16/12/2025 11:09

Forgot to add, she will ask for money soon.
I hope he doesn't swap nude pics, she will claim to be underage and blackmail him. It's a really common con at the moment.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:11

MinnieCauldwell · 16/12/2025 11:09

Forgot to add, she will ask for money soon.
I hope he doesn't swap nude pics, she will claim to be underage and blackmail him. It's a really common con at the moment.

She's already done that. He's not a stupid kid, well I didn't think he was but he is being immature and ridiculous with this. His dad is far more blunt than me and has literally said he's being just plain stupid now but it's not sinking in.

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 11:11

You just have to let the process run its course he will dump her, You’ve made 18 years of emotional deposits into his bank account
She’s a nut job that is withdrawing his peace on a daily basis.
Eventually, he’ll make the choice to meet a local girl and then this one will get blocked as she should

noidea69 · 16/12/2025 11:12

Obviously telling him not to go/hide passport is the sensible thing to do. She is a lunatic and the brother gun comment is final straw.

But what you really need to go is get him to download tinder/bumble etc and get him to meet someone new. I'm going to guess that this is his first proper "relationship" and he is scared of being on his own.

Dreamerinme · 16/12/2025 11:13

Have you actually seen her on FaceTime, Zoom, Teams etc? What country does she live in?

There are domestic abuse charities and phone lines for men too so might be worth you or DH giving them a call if DS won’t.

Would a friend of his talk to him?

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:15

Dreamerinme · 16/12/2025 11:13

Have you actually seen her on FaceTime, Zoom, Teams etc? What country does she live in?

There are domestic abuse charities and phone lines for men too so might be worth you or DH giving them a call if DS won’t.

Would a friend of his talk to him?

Yeah we have seen her and my son speaks to her mum when she's around too. She is a very real person, albeit an insane one. She's in America.

His friends tell him she is insane all the time.

OP posts:
NewtonsCradle · 16/12/2025 11:15

The solution is for him to shift his focus to women who are local and available. Criticising the only woman who shows him romantic attention won't work as he has no alternative ATM.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:17

noidea69 · 16/12/2025 11:12

Obviously telling him not to go/hide passport is the sensible thing to do. She is a lunatic and the brother gun comment is final straw.

But what you really need to go is get him to download tinder/bumble etc and get him to meet someone new. I'm going to guess that this is his first proper "relationship" and he is scared of being on his own.

He keeps saying all the girls on there are just looking for hookups and he wants a proper relationship. He's very much old school like his dad, he wants to find someone and settle down and have kids. We have gone blue in the face telling him there are 100 PERCENT girls like that. He goes to the gym and is conventionally good looking and 6ft and gets lots of attention so we really don't understand.

OP posts: