DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

They're virtual strangers

It was nothing to do with her

Fat isn't as simple as you make it out to be.

If she is mildly overweight, the toll on her health is probably minimal. Healthy weight people often like to make that out to be more than it is. I was patently unhealthy at a (low) "healthy" weight; mildly overweight would probably have been healthier.

And triggering issues with food through insensitive delivery is never a healthy outcome.

I mean people are trying to pretend this was a close family member who, out of genuine concern, made a carefully thought-out comment.

The reality is rather more that this was a rude and abrasive person the DD had not known particularly well who totally over-stepped her role by either failing to clap an acceptable social filter on her mouth, or was actually intentionally trying to put the DD down.

Let's not enable unkindness by re-cladding it as concern. Leave comments to the close family or medical professionals.

Exactly: we cross posted.

The woman is just unpleasantly outspoken.

Agree!

I actually feel the opposite, but for quite similar reasons - that it is important to show the DD that this was a silly, ill-judged but ultimately pretty trivial comment. Acting like suggesting that someone is overweight is akin to using a racial slur, and that it is a deep and devastating thing for the person on the other end is, to my mind, giving far too much importance to the DD's weight and reinforces the idea that there is simply nothing worse or more shameful than to be fat. Causing a family rift over it gives this comment so much unnecessary power.

My Russian DP says that commenting on weight in this way is regarded as rude even there. Hope your DD is OK and receives an apology.

This type of thing drives me mad. Few girls die of being a bit plump. Anorexia on the other hand ….

It may be a good thing that someone has mentioned it, and it wasn't coming from a bad place. Your DD must see herself in the mirror and see her slimmer friends, she must be aware she's a bit heavy or she wouldn't have taken the comment so hard. I understand not drawing attention and not creating a bad relationship with food but becoming overweight at her age may lead to more weight gain later and health problems later in life. From the extreme reaction to quite a mild comment I would guess she really is worried about her weight.

Weight doesn't denote women's value. If it did, there would be no overweight or obese very successful, high earning women married to very attractive and similarly successful men, and yet there are many of them.

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

Russians are very direct. I wouldn't have words. Maybe this is a good time to teach your daughter that sometimes people do say rude things and we have to say, please mind your own business. I would encourage her to stay for Christmas but she can't dictate who comes. I had a nan which was very direct. She called me fat, which I was, so she wasn't lying. It did hurt my feelings and I didn't like her because of it. Now looking back on it, she was trying to be helpful, because I was actually obese. I wish that my parents had explained to me that I was putting on weight and to be more healthy. Rather than leaving me to it as a teenager. You should be encouraging her to be more healthy, portion control is a helpful tool.

None of us like to for someone to comment negatively on our weight/ appearance. Saying it’s a cultural thing is such rubbish !
It was a mean comment and especially to a 14 year old girl .
I wonder if her bf said to her “ your boobs are too big , would you consider a boob reduction in the New year , at least you won’t have to worry about them sagging as you age “ , would she take that on board & be happy for his honesty 🙄 .
No she would not , she would be insulted & obsess about her boobs from here on out would be the likely outcome there .
I think OP has to have a word with DSS , just that gf apologises so they can move on & enjoy Christmas .

GF would be at my DDs home under zero conditions I'm afraid.

And if she did go to her dad's i would be celebrating elsewhere too, and nothing would be prepared for anyone at all.

ETA: i see she is Russian. Well, miss Russian needs to learn that when you are in Rome and all that and learn to button her "straight talking" lip, especially with wider family.

But i still wouldn't be letting her in my DDs home.

Acting like suggesting that someone is overweight is akin to using a racial slur, and that it is a deep and devastating thing for the person on the other end is, to my mind, giving far too much importance to the DD's weight and reinforces the idea that there is simply nothing worse or more shameful than to be fat.

There are some slightly alarming implications about race in that statement.

It is the GF who has placed importance on weight - so much so she couldn't restrain herself from making a personal comment.

It would be rude to say to someone "you would actually look a lot better if you wore proper make-up" or " you would probably have better skin if you didn't smoke, and imagine what your lungs must look like given how ravaged your face is." There isn't something unique about weight that makes a comment appropriate.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

Totally agree.

Like who? People fall over themselves fawning over Piers Brosnan because his wife is overweight and he hasn’t left her yet. She was extremely slim when they married and I can’t think of many highly successful wealthy men who marry or pursue obese or very overweight women. In fact many of them set impossibly high standards on their wives, even if they themselves are ogres. Case in point: Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, James Corden.

Exactly. And it's so demoralising that it is often women who perpetuate these attitudes - not least by succumbing to them.

100% agree

Awful take,

prioritise your daughters comfort. If SS GF is there your DD is going to spend the day feeling like a beached whale, conscious of her size and uncomfortable. It’s Christmas and her enjoying it is more important than your adult SS GF

Like many women I know in the real world - millionaires in their own right through success and married to very rich attractive men. Hopefully that clarifies things for you.

Op limits snacks , portion control is in place & physical activity encouraged, so she’s doing great in her house 👌.

I live in a blunt culture, so i can't really complain when the bluntness comes my way. I have been here a long time and have learned to let it wash over me.

Over the years, i have had to coach British and US colleagues (in particular) to learn to do the same. And as an extra have had to give heavy coaching to Brits to make requests to do things very direct and not "would you like to..." type of thing in a work scenario.

TBH the best thing is if DD meets Miss Blunt again, to lean some Russian stereotypes ("oh you are so thin, you must be freezing" "oh it is so difficult getting a proper pale foundation without looking like a clown in the very pale stuff" "so bold wearing bright red lipstick" - type of thing. And Yes, i am remembering the Russian women i knew in the 80s so their choices were limited) Just so that if anything comes her way, she can fire one back.

ETA: actually the best thing is to learn to live with this kind of thing, and imagine saying a sarcastic retort, but not actually saying anything. Maybe she can ask DSS how Mary (last girlfriend) is, she was lovely.

It' s not that it is even culture based. It is unkind, it is saying 'you as a person, are not good enough just as you are'. That's from a bad place and does say more about the person saying it. But I would expect a person in their 20s to have the cop on not to put their shit on a 14 year old.

I have experienced similar from my South Asian family (I am 1/2 Indian, born and raised in England). I am very slim.
My relatives in my father's generation do not hold back on remarking on my size - I am too thin, am I ill, I need to eat more, why am I not eating more. It's relentless.

Someone said something similar to me. I was genuinely shocked and surprised how it made me spiral. I think it’s because you can feel comfortable with yourself and that’s shattered when you realise that some people may be scrutinising your body and judging you. I am (mumbles) years old, let alone what that would do to an adolescent who is still developing.People think they are helping when they say stuff like this but it doesn’t help. I was so upset that was the thing my friend chose to see or think about me when there is so much more to me that I am a bit overweight. It has taken me ages to settle down and get a handle on my health again.

i don’t have a solution but just wanted to share my experience to say that it isn’t unusual to react in this way. I was honestly shocked by my reaction. If it had been said by a total stranger in the street I think I would have been able to let it go but because it was someone I see more regularly I couldn’t stop thinking that they were watching me in that very specific way. The GF needs to learn that in the UK you never say stuff like that to women in particular otherwise she is going to make a lot of enemies.