Page 10 | DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

shakeitskateit · 2025-12-16T04:55:41+00:00

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc. DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26. On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural". DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then. AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Glowingup · 16/12/2025 09:54

Dragonscaledaisy · 16/12/2025 09:49

Like many women I know in the real world - millionaires in their own right through success and married to very rich attractive men. Hopefully that clarifies things for you.

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Okay. I have tended to find that there is an extremely strong correlation between thinness and success as a woman. I am surprised that you know so many that defy this because there’s a lot written about how women’s weight determine their perceived value.

Dragonscaledaisy · 16/12/2025 09:57

Glowingup · 16/12/2025 09:54

Okay. I have tended to find that there is an extremely strong correlation between thinness and success as a woman. I am surprised that you know so many that defy this because there’s a lot written about how women’s weight determine their perceived value.

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I presume we mix in very different social circles - thankfully.

BartholemewTheCat · 16/12/2025 09:58

Jamclag · 16/12/2025 09:37

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

I agree with this. OP I’d be teaching my DD about boundaries and enforcing one on her behalf in this instance - the GF wouldn’t be coming into my house after a comment like that.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 16/12/2025 09:59

I think it’s time for a chat with DD. About how cultures differ and DSS GF was showing she cared for her. Then assure her you’ll have a chat with GF about how in our culture it was a hurtful and rude comment.

When you next see GF tell her you know she meant well but please don’t talk about bodies to DD.

GrandHighVitch · 16/12/2025 10:01

shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:38

No, she is from Russia.

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My dh’s aunty is Russian and she’s the same. Very blunt about weight and diet (as well as other subjects as well). It took me a long time to get used to. It is cultural and it’s never meant from a nasty place but that doesn’t make it any the less upsetting, especially for a 14 year old girl who is still getting used to her changing body.

ladyofshertonabbas · 16/12/2025 10:02

Am all for talking about weigh issues but that was just mean and not at all helpful. As if your DD didn't know that. YANBU.

shouldicontactthisperson · 16/12/2025 10:05

Cultural or not, the GF was presumably savvy enough not to say it in front of everyone.

FairKoala · 16/12/2025 10:09

shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:38

No, she is from Russia.

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I was going to say Eastern European/Russian

If you know your dd is overweight and haven’t said anything to her but are trying to get her to lose weight by cutting out junk food etc and not discussing these things with her
Then either your dd doesn’t realise she is overweight and it came as a shock or she realises and didn’t want it to be said out loud and was hiding the truth from her own self as then she would consciously have to do something about it.

I can’t see the GF apologising for stating a fact.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF. It might sound harsh but sugar coating and avoiding difficult situations is not going to do your child any good in the long run. Better to have told dd she was putting on the pounds when she was 10lbs over weight than leaving it to the point when she is 3 stone heavier.

Problem I have with living in the UK is people don’t say what they mean and don’t point out stuff that might be helpful to the person and instead leave people to struggle. They also jump to the conclusion that telling a teenager that they are overweight is the worse thing you can do as they will immediately stop eating and become anorexic
(All the anorexic girls I knew were never overweight in the first place)

Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 everyone was so convinced my not eating was anorexia that they refused to listen to me. It nearly cost me my life. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that anorexia is this huge killer when obesity is the biggest killer in the country

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/12/2025 10:12

This Is a cultural opportunity for your step Son's girlfriend to learn that such forthright opinions don't wash in family life with young teenagers.

GaspingGekko · 16/12/2025 10:13

elfendom1 · 16/12/2025 09:51

It' s not that it is even culture based. It is unkind, it is saying 'you as a person, are not good enough just as you are'. That's from a bad place and does say more about the person saying it. But I would expect a person in their 20s to have the cop on not to put their shit on a 14 year old.

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But this is seeing it purely from the point of view of a culture where this is an unkind rhing to say.
Elsewhere that's not the case, it's as casual as asking where you got your jumper from.
That's not to say that someone shouldn't pull the GF up and explain the culture in the UK is different. Or that the DD shouldn't feel hurt.
But let's not read something into it that isn't there.

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/12/2025 10:14

FairKoala · 16/12/2025 10:09

I was going to say Eastern European/Russian

If you know your dd is overweight and haven’t said anything to her but are trying to get her to lose weight by cutting out junk food etc and not discussing these things with her
Then either your dd doesn’t realise she is overweight and it came as a shock or she realises and didn’t want it to be said out loud and was hiding the truth from her own self as then she would consciously have to do something about it.

I can’t see the GF apologising for stating a fact.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF. It might sound harsh but sugar coating and avoiding difficult situations is not going to do your child any good in the long run. Better to have told dd she was putting on the pounds when she was 10lbs over weight than leaving it to the point when she is 3 stone heavier.

Problem I have with living in the UK is people don’t say what they mean and don’t point out stuff that might be helpful to the person and instead leave people to struggle. They also jump to the conclusion that telling a teenager that they are overweight is the worse thing you can do as they will immediately stop eating and become anorexic
(All the anorexic girls I knew were never overweight in the first place)

Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 everyone was so convinced my not eating was anorexia that they refused to listen to me. It nearly cost me my life. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that anorexia is this huge killer when obesity is the biggest killer in the country

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But that's not her place is it, it's the place of a trusted parent to explore that subject.

JHound · 16/12/2025 10:14

The girlfriend is a b*tch and I think blaming it on her being foreign is a cop-out.

Your 14 year old is a sweetheart.
The 14 year olds in my family would have let her know exactly where she could put her unsolicited comments…

Glowingup · 16/12/2025 10:14

GaspingGekko · 16/12/2025 10:13

But this is seeing it purely from the point of view of a culture where this is an unkind rhing to say.
Elsewhere that's not the case, it's as casual as asking where you got your jumper from.
That's not to say that someone shouldn't pull the GF up and explain the culture in the UK is different. Or that the DD shouldn't feel hurt.
But let's not read something into it that isn't there.

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No it is perceived and meant to be unkind in Russia and nothing like asking someone where their jumper came from. It’s just that it’s socially acceptable in some places to be unkind to people with no pushback.

OneDearFawn · 16/12/2025 10:18

soupyspoon · 16/12/2025 06:17

Dont they have 14 year old girls in France, Spain, Russia, East Asia then?

(any other country where they dont pussy foot around obesity)

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You are a fucking delight. She’s a child. Look at what it did to Karen Carpenter. No excuses, the Russian can be left out in the cold this Christmas.

KittyFinlay · 16/12/2025 10:23

I can understand why her feelings are hurt but what the GF said isn't untrue and we British are quite peculiar in our insistence on not saying what we are thinking. It doesn't sound like the things you are doing are working if she's still overweight so it might be worth looking at a different strategy and talking openly to her about the issue and what she wants to do about it. If she's so upset by someone pointing it out then that indicates that she's not comfortable with the current situation.

However, it isn't GF's business to be telling DD how to get healthy and I'm not saying you should allow that to continue. It might be a good idea to teach DD some phrases to deal with this kind of thing to shut it down. "Thank you, but my health is my own business and I don't care to discuss it with you," or "I would prefer it if you didn't make comments about my body." You can also shut it down if it comes up in front of you by saying, "As a family, we don't discuss weight or body types like that as it can make people feel self-conscious."

Donttellempike · 16/12/2025 10:24

tallyoh · 16/12/2025 06:15

All the people on here saying ‘well maybe it would be better if we were more upfront about weight so we have fewer fat people’ have obviously completely forgotten what it is to be a 14 year old girl.

At that age I went from being an average/slim child to a chubby teenager. I had greasy hair I couldn’t style and I was short compared to my friends and I hated everything about how I look. My Grandma (who I now suspect looking back was autistic) was always telling me how overweight I looked and it was excruciating. But by the time I was 15/16, I’d grown nearly a foot and the weight just sorted itself out completely. Add some new shampoo and some ghd straighteners and I was a different person. I’ve destroyed every photo of me at that age!

You cannot know that a person’s weight at 14 will bear any reflection on their long term shape as everything is in flux, and that comment (cultural or not) was cruel and dangerous.

I agree with the posters who say you must talk to the GF. Either she will understand, apologise and promise to behave more sensitively, or she will double down on her point of view and you’ll know she can’t be trusted around your daughter.

Completely agree.

At that age my father was always telling me I was too fat. Looking at photos from them time I really wasn’t. I have remembered every single comment. And no its not helpful at all. He was controlling and did it to my mother too.

The OPs daughter is probably very embarrassed and worried what else she might say

If I visited Russia or anywhere else I would try to stick to their cultural norms. That’s basic manners . The GF was very rude and should be told

Aluna · 16/12/2025 10:25

shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:38

No, she is from Russia.

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Ah right so it’s doubly cultural. Although Russia has comparable obesity rates as UK young Russian women expect and are expected to be slim. Russians in general are super direct.

Aluna · 16/12/2025 10:26

GrandHighVitch · 16/12/2025 10:01

My dh’s aunty is Russian and she’s the same. Very blunt about weight and diet (as well as other subjects as well). It took me a long time to get used to. It is cultural and it’s never meant from a nasty place but that doesn’t make it any the less upsetting, especially for a 14 year old girl who is still getting used to her changing body.

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Exactly.

Donttellempike · 16/12/2025 10:26

GaspingGekko · 16/12/2025 10:13

But this is seeing it purely from the point of view of a culture where this is an unkind rhing to say.
Elsewhere that's not the case, it's as casual as asking where you got your jumper from.
That's not to say that someone shouldn't pull the GF up and explain the culture in the UK is different. Or that the DD shouldn't feel hurt.
But let's not read something into it that isn't there.

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She is not elsewhere. She is here

Donttellempike · 16/12/2025 10:28

FairKoala · 16/12/2025 10:09

I was going to say Eastern European/Russian

If you know your dd is overweight and haven’t said anything to her but are trying to get her to lose weight by cutting out junk food etc and not discussing these things with her
Then either your dd doesn’t realise she is overweight and it came as a shock or she realises and didn’t want it to be said out loud and was hiding the truth from her own self as then she would consciously have to do something about it.

I can’t see the GF apologising for stating a fact.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF. It might sound harsh but sugar coating and avoiding difficult situations is not going to do your child any good in the long run. Better to have told dd she was putting on the pounds when she was 10lbs over weight than leaving it to the point when she is 3 stone heavier.

Problem I have with living in the UK is people don’t say what they mean and don’t point out stuff that might be helpful to the person and instead leave people to struggle. They also jump to the conclusion that telling a teenager that they are overweight is the worse thing you can do as they will immediately stop eating and become anorexic
(All the anorexic girls I knew were never overweight in the first place)

Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 everyone was so convinced my not eating was anorexia that they refused to listen to me. It nearly cost me my life. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that anorexia is this huge killer when obesity is the biggest killer in the country

Show quote history

You live in this culture

Aluna · 16/12/2025 10:30

It’s a very English thing, so many countries are brutally direct about weight and health. It would be the same in France or E.Europe, E.Asia or Nigeria…

Aluna · 16/12/2025 10:31

It’s a very English thing, so many countries are brutally direct about weight and health. It would be the same in France or E.Europe, E.Asia or Nigeria…

Uklady · 16/12/2025 10:33

wineosaurusrex · 16/12/2025 06:00

It IS cultural - in a lot of countries, people are open about this out of genuine concern and love.

What they're saying isn't untrue.

And the way we tiptoe around this issue in the UK and pretence not to notice when people are overweight or obese is not healthy.

Its why we have an obesity crisis!

Maybe if we were honest too then we wouldn't have so many people stuck with bad habits that are so difficult to break, which were often formed from childhood, and which make them miserable and cause serious health issues later in life.

I agree

BillieWiper · 16/12/2025 10:34

Yeah it's bang out of order for a grown woman to instruct a young teenage girl to lose weight.

I remember at about 13 being chubby and very very sad about it. I had comfort eaten due to bereavement of losing my dad.

I remember my cousin's girlfriend calling me 'greedy' at a family lunch one day. It really stuck with me even all these years later. And I did end up suffering from severe ED.

Not that it was cousin's GFs fault. Just that at that age you need to be very careful what you say to girls.

JHound · 16/12/2025 10:35

Aluna · 16/12/2025 10:31

It’s a very English thing, so many countries are brutally direct about weight and health. It would be the same in France or E.Europe, E.Asia or Nigeria…

She’s in England. What other countries do is irrelevant.