DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

I was a fat child. I knew I was fat even without people pointing it out which they did, often. Now I'm still fat with decades of disordered eating behind me.

There's no need or excuse for this kind of 'helpful honesty'.

The girlfriend was only saying something about health, it's cultural, DD knows she's overweight, blah blah blah. The fact is, weight is totally wrapped up with attractiveness. The poor kid wouldn't be upset is someone said to her "are you ok? You don't look very well". She's upset because she's been told she's overweight, which in this time and place is about the same as being told she's ugly. This needs pointing out to the girlfriend. Maybe "you should try not pointing out things that are wrong with people's appearance, it's nicer" would hit the spot.

I think it depends on whether DD is fat or not, or how fat she is. What are her height and weight, or what is her BMI?
If children are significantly overweight I don't think we do them any favours by pretending otherwise, but obviously any discussion needs to be done kindly and with reference to future health.

Can you try to make sure that what your daughter takes away from this is that in some cultures being direct to the point of rudeness by our standards is just normal to them? And that there are lots of aspects to being healthy, weight is just one factor along with fitness, eating vegetables, getting checkups and vaccinations?

Discussion with comparative strangers?

Oh my that's even worse! Russians tend to be very very blunt. It's another culture but DSS should explain why she was wrong to comment on your dds body and she should apologize. If not I would disinvite her.

I think we need to be more forthcoming with weight in the UK.

We are a nation of overweight and fat people and that is costing the NHS billions.

Your 12 year old daughter does need to slim down. 12 year olds should not be overweight, and if they are, they have a huge chance of being obese in adulthood.

Obesity is a massive public health issue in Russia, so apparently "confronting it head on" hasn't worked there.

I have a friend from Japan and she’s a size 6-8 & her family also thinks she’s obese. She holds weight round her middle & arms, her opinion not mine. I think she’s tiny, but she will say her BMI has her as overweight

What your step son's girlfriend said was completely out of line, however, is this really the first time your daughter has heard that she's overweight? Because it won't be the last and no matter how you pussyfoot around it, there will be other people that don't.

The woman certainly owes your daughter an apology, even if there was no malice intended, but I think uninviting her and your step son would be an over-reaction. If she says or does anything like that again, then she wouldn't be getting an invitation again.

Usually a mothers idea of a “bit overweight” in reference to their child often means obese to someone meeting them for the first time.
culturally other people address things like this more openly and frankly - I’d explain that to your daughter and then move on

Of course it’s not. She probably hears it daily at school and maybe even out and about. She’s not stupid - of course she knows she is overweight. But in her own home and with her family, she deserves to feel happy and safe and not have some dickhead’s opinion on her body being rammed down her throat. People are acting like this is the very first time this girl has been made aware of being overweight. I can promise it is not and that she already probably has a fragile self-esteem, which has now been made worse by this stupid woman.

As an overweight teenager, I sometimes wish I was told I was acting unhealthy, it might have made me change my ways. I knew I was fat but noone ever mentioned it.
Having spent time with Russians, they are very blunt! Too blunt.
Speak to your daughter amd explain it was her culture to mention her weight in the first place. To not spend Xmas with your family is a massive overreaction and I wouldn't pander to it. She does need to deal with things, its a cruel world out there and I really think this lady wasn't coming from a place of cruelty.
Also, talk to your ss and explain how her words affected your daughter.

I agree. I’d be sorting this out with DD by majoring on this aspect of it - showing (in a low key way) that the family take is that this is a DSS ‘s GF problem.
to all those saying that this is actually helpful for a 14 year old to have pointed out to her, I’m so curious how they think a teenager today could not have received the message loud and clear that thinner is better?!?!
Sounds to me like OP and her family are handling the weight thing fine. I was an overweight teenager and I’m a healthy weight adult although I will never be skinny. Catastrophising this would be the worst approach I reckon.

You’d really cut someone out of your life for telling you it might be better to ‘slim down a bit’? If I did that, I’d no longer be speaking to any of my family. Over the years, most of them have made a comment or two but now I’m older, I’ve put firm boundaries in place - ‘my weight is not a topic for discussion. End of’. Learning to set boundaries has been a good healthy experience for me and even more so now that I’m losing weight. I didn’t want your ‘advice’ when I was fat and I don’t want it now either’.

If we cut off contact with everyone who makes a mean comment, we’ll find ourselves exceptionally lonely. Far better to develop good boundaries or sarcastic retorts.

She didn’t comment on her appearance she stated a fact. So didn’t say oh you’d be so pretty if you were slimmer or, you are fat you need to lose weight. It’s not the daughters or the girlfriends fault though that your weight is deemed to denote womens value.

This is actually the best advice, really empowering for DD to be able to see the DSS GF as the product of her own environment and put that into context.

Is the GF Scandi or Dutch? From experience, both are pretty well known for being very ‘direct’, aka what we’d often call rude?

Not true for Scandi - you would no way tell a teen you’d just met that they were fat. Absolutely not.

I completely agree.

The fact that other countries are outspoken doesn't automatically make that preferable. I can think of lots of reasons it isn't.

But it’s not just about how she looks it’s about health. If the GF had suggested she stop vaping everyone would be in agreement.

It’s also ironic because Russia, China etc are absolutely not countries where you are free to say what you think. Very much the opposite. You can be nasty and horrible and misogynistic to people but you have very few freedoms. It’s really not a good role model of how society should work.
Also with some of these cultures, they genuinely don’t care if the thinness is due to starving yourself, smoking, making yourself vomit or whatever. There’s a very disturbing social media trend of Slavic women bragging about how little they eat to stay thin for their men (yay, so inspiring). And as I said before, these countries absolutely do have an obesity problem and they are much more unhealthy than the UK and live shorter lives.

One of my best friends is Russian - she's so lovely, but is direct. I kind of love her for it too. I don't think it will have been meant unkindly.

'Cultural' or not, it was none of her business!

Her opinion wasn't asked for.

Anyone heard the expression 'When in Rome...?'

And if DD asks to go to her father's, what exactly can anyone do to stop it?

Oh this is a really tricky one.

When I was a teen everyone seemed to have an opinion on my weight. It was dressed up in weird twisted compliments "such a shame as you're so good-looking... If you just lost a stone..." I think about 80% of my waking thoughts are weight related. What a waste of life. And of course as an adult I pulled out one of the few photo albums in existence and discovered that I looked like any other pretty slim teenager. I became very skinny in my twenties and then very heavy for a while.

You need to tread carefully here.

It's not just her weight. It's whether you stand up for her in this. Our parent's friend lived with us for a time as teens. He was a photographer and had done a lot of work with international models. He consistently commented on my appearance and suggested improvements. My mother always rolled her eyes at my upset and told me I was being dramatic.

While I agree it's cultural with the gf the manner in which this happened was unforgivable. She was trying on clothes, focused on her appearance and vulnerable. She needs a strong message from you that she is perfect as she is in her own uniqueness. Fourteen is very impressionable.

I would speak to SS directly and say I'm sorry but this was very inappropriate. My daughter is adapting to a lot in her teens and what your girlfriend said was deeply insensitive and hurtful. I'd let it go then but if DD didn't want Christmas with her I'd support that; she must feel humiliated.