DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

This. It's a one off comment, and not meant nastily. Your DSS needs to let his GF know it's not appropriate.

Time for the GF to learn that some things are cultural, and in some cultures being really fucking rude gets you uninvited from Christmas.

Only your dd will know if the gf’s comments came from a place of kindness and concern, OP. Your dd probably felt shame and whatever transpired between these two on what was supposed to be a happy family day out, caused your dd to be quiet and sad at the end of it. No impressionable 14 year old girl would enjoy being judged like this by a woman she may even be thinking of as a future sister in law. I agree with other pps who’ve said she will be self conscious and this could lead to her being uncomfortable at Christmas dinner. If it’s her choice now to spend Christmas with dad, I don’t blame her.

No, but the DD is heavier at a time when her body is in the puberty phase and OP says she employs "healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity." If she's not overeating crap and exercises, what else could it be?

Why are you so keen to fat shame a growing child?

Everyone making the point that "it's cultural" and "dd needs to realise other people do things differently/won't sugar-coated things" seems to be missing the point that it's the gf living in our culture- surely if anyone needs to adapt her ways then it's her!

If anyone needs a bit of cultural enlightenment surely it's the gf who
A) is a an adult
B) is the one studying in and interacting with people from a different culture. If anything she needs to learn that if she tells a boss or colleague something bluntly in a way they consider rude she might have a shock. Telling a colleague they need to lose weight or don't look good could result in disciplinary action in many workforces. What if next time she says it to someone who has had a late stage miscarriage or has put weight on as a side effect from cancer treatment drugs?

I'm sure she/dss/dh wouldn't be happy if your dd turned around and said "well in my culture we don't invade other countries and murder children so maybe work on that?" If "it's okay for gf to be rude to a child because cultural stereotypes make everything understandable" then surely the same applies and she won't find it rude for you to refuse to have her in your house unless she apologises.

Why should dd have to be polite to a guest in her own house when said guest couldn't manage to be polite to her for a few hours the very first time they met?

Being overweight as a child could have dangerous consequences for this young person. Much more serious than hurt feelings. It’s absolutely ridiculous that people are pussy footing around issues like this. The only person gaslighting is you.

Russian girlfriend…hmm. Hasn’t your stepson been paying attention to the news? His father has instilled him with the wrong values.

I dont care if its a cultural thing or not, she's not in Russia, she's in the UK and what she said was rude.
I would uninvite her and keep your DD around.

I wouldn't be putting a step child's GF in front of my own child.

I really don't think the obesity crisis is because of people not being told they're overweight or because people don't know that they are!! We don't go around telling folks they are overweight or have problematic skin or they overdid the lip plumpers/botox or any such thing because it is none of our business, and it is hurtful and offensive! A young girl should not be made to feel conscious of her body in this hurtful way by anyone (whatever their intention might be)! I think the 14 year old should be comfortable eating and wearing what she wants at Christmas in her own home - having a judgy 'direct' guest there isn't going to be conducive to that.

She is 14 . You choose your 14 year old over the adult woman who would have fully understood what she was saying.
Do you honestly think a 14 year old will forget you made the decision to spend Christmas with a woman who told her to lose weight ?

How about explaining to the girlfriend about different cultures, expecting a 14 year old to understand but not a grown woman?
She was rude and unkind. Absolutely none of her business to comment.

Would be helpful if you quoted me.

Fat shaming a child, are you ok? Pretty sure she’s not sat with her mum reading the comments. Her own mother has said she’s overweight. At no point has she said this is related to puberty.

I very much agree with the point here about smoking.

I know a woman who smokes to keep her weight down, and she is so outspoken about the ill-health of anyone larger.

And that's before we start on her low-nutrient diet.

I am noticing a strong current in the UK of self-bashing around weight: other countries have it worked out, outspoken fat-shaming works, we should be like other cultures etc etc

Yet if you actually look at the life expectancy statistics of some of these countries, you see the picture isn't that simple. Fat isn't the lone enemy of health that people like to make it out to be for the sake of simplicity.

I say this as someone who was very low end of healthy BMI for most of my life and felt like a new person when I pushed into mid range of healthy. Everything just worked better, and I didn't sit shivering like a greyhound all winter.

I would be interested to know whether Russians would just accept blunt and tactless comments about their weight or whether they are rude back.

I would imagine that there are many many things that Russians are not allowed to criticise and be rude about. It's one of the world's most repressive societies with hideous consequences for anyone who speaks out about the regime.

I'm not sure why some posters are so admiring about the GF's blunt speaking (which I would describe as very bad manners as well as being mean). Surely, Russians living in the UK choose to live here because they prefer the way our society operates and would try and emulate our more polite social interactions.

That makes sense.

I mean a tiny part of me might be relieved someone had addressed the weight issue head on but I do understand you don’t want her to develop a complex. Also the context in which she made the comment does make sense. zit didn’t come out of the blue. Maybe she was surprised a 14year old wears a size 16 for example.

I think DSS should speak to her to let her know your DD is offended and see if she’d apologise. It’s a learning curve for her too.

It wouldn’t be fair to uninvite her though because it’s like asking your DH to choose between his son and your daughter. I know what my choice would be.

The title of the thread says that the Gf told the daughter that she needs to lose some weight.

If that’s not a negative comment (ie an insult) then what is?

i don’t think contacting her is a good idea. It’s just a way to add fuel to the fire.

If someone told me I was fat , they certainly wouldn't be joining me for Christmas dinner and I wouldn't give too hoots if it was "cultural" or not.
I wonder how all the pps know that this woman didnt mean to be rude ? Where they all there? Funny how this woman didnt make the comment in front of everyone else , instead she waited until she was alone with the girl. Its dss gf not his wife and I wouldn't have my child uncomfortable for some fly by night. Thats the culture here and it might do the gf good to learn that

This is a 14 year girl here, at one of the most delicate times for comments on her weight/body. Let's not forget that.

The fact that it's cultural or perhaps factual explains but doesn't excuse it. DSS's GF needs to be made aware of that and needs to undersrand why an apology is required. It's not culturally accepted in the UK.

You need to talk to her. Then you also need to explain to your daughter why it happened.

Try not to let your daughter go to her dad's as she'll always remember it as the Christmas she had to avoid a bully.

You need to talk to your daughter in general. Find a way for her to see that the GF didn't mean to upset her etc.

It's a really horrible one and I understand why your daughter is upset.

We have no idea how overweight OP's daughter is. It is likely that she is only slightly overweight due to puberty and OP has implemented good eating habits such no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.

If telling people that they are fat and being rude and unpleasant about fat people was effective, we wouldn't have the obesity epidemic that we have in the UK. People are absolutely horrible to and about overweight people yet it doesn't seem to miraculously fix the problem.

All the ridiculous comments about the GF doing OP's DD a favour are from people who just love looking down on fat people and think that obesity is a moral failing even in a child.

Also it’s nonsense that people from these cultures don’t get offended. My friend is SE Asian (and is TINY with absolutely no fat on her). She says her family basically call her obese (and also a failure because she hasn’t married). It really upsets her and isn’t just water off a ducks back.

There are lots of absolutely horrific things that are down to culture, including serious violence. We don’t give a pass to those so why should we think it’s okay for someone to act like this woman has? It’s been proven time and again that commenting on young people’s bodies negatively has horrible psychological effects and also doesn’t lead to change in weight anyway. Literally the only thing you achieve by telling a 14 year old girl that she is fat is making her feel bad about herself and that she’s not good enough. You don’t “help” her by saying those things, you won’t magically make her lose weight. You just show yourself to be the horrible person that you are (whether or not your culture supports you being nasty).

Your Dss might marry his girlfriend.

How will family life be sustainable over the next 10 years if Dd won’t be in the and same house?

I would ask Dss to explain to his Gf that personal comments are considered rude and hurtful, and that his step sister was hurt, is young and at a sensitive age etc.

I would tell Dd that different cultures find it more ordinary to comment and it wouldn’t have been meant unkindly , and that if people make comments she is entitled to comment back, tell people she would prefer not to hear their rude comments, tell them to keep their opinions to their selves, disagree or quite simply ignore.

I would also ask her why she was so upset, why did it get to her?

YOU think your Dd would be better for losing weight, this woman said what you think and what motivates your approach to food. Does your Dd know this?

Maybe she wants explicit support for weightloss.

Boost your Dd up with honesty.

I would take GF to one side and tell her it is considered EXTREMELY RUDE in our culture to comment on somebody else's weight unless their opinion has been asked. I'm guessing she is from a Chinese/Japanese/Korean background or similar? She needs educating in how to behave when away from home, and maybe excluding her from Christmas will make it plain how very out of order she was.

You’re not being unreasonable in prioritising DD. But I would have a long, and thoughtful conversation with DD that this girlfriend comes from a country where, culturally, it’s acceptable to say what they’re thinking and that women are under a lot of societal pressure to look a certain way. It’s better to not have that pressure. That, in fact, this girlfriend has probably been conforming her whole life and having to think about how she looks all the time. DD is free to not have to do that. She does not have to conform and she is beautiful and wonderful the way she is.

It wasn’t nice but some cultures do approach things differently & the context in which the comment was made is massive was DD looking at an outfit that wouldn’t flatter her. & made a comment in which she got a reply. I know people will say prioritise your DD but I don’t necessarily think that means causing a massive family rift. You have 2 other children who definitely wouldn’t benefit from a fraught Christmas. There’s a difference between not inviting them & un inviting them. Had this happened prior to Christmas arrangements there is an argument to not invite.

I would ask hubby to have another word with his son & ask that some opinions just won’t be tolerated around your daughter’s appearance. She’s 14 & at a vulnerable age & she’s really upset