DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Does she think being a bit overweight is healthier than being slim?

It is definitely healthier than having an eating disorder! Especially at an age where she is likely to lose it as she grows into her body.

This, this and more this.

I couldn’t have put it better.

I can just see how the DSS is going to be dragged into this, forced to mediate something he had no involvement in, then into a shitty situation where he has to choose between his family and his GF on Christmas Day, all while the OP stands back feigning naivety about how there has been a huge family rift...

I agree, in your shoes I'd probably try to have a chat with the g/f before uninviting her and explain how it's very rude and unkind in your culture and tell her how much she's upset you daughter. It would be much better in the long run to try and sort this out rather than never spending any time together again

For everyone who says "in my culture it's normal to say those kinds of things" it does the same kind of damage to people whatever their culture. I've had clients with eating disorders from across the globe.

Your child comes first over your stepchild's girlfriend. I don't blame DD for preferring to be at her dad's if the GF is going to be with you on Christmas Day - you need to take a stand here.

Not nice to hear, I heard it from my grandmother every time I saw her (amongst other things).

It is however completely normal to comment like this for Russians and other nationalities. I think it would be outrageous to disinvite the GF from Xmas day without even having a conversation - yes, your DSS should probably have that convo, but be honest, is that convo going to hit the same when it comes from a 26 year old man who has a vested interest? No.

I think you need to talk to your daughter, and say that while it wasn't a nice thing to say, malice was not meant (I'm assuming here of course) and that at her age her size is totally normal. I'm of course making another assumption here, but I know at 14 I was at that weird, gone-through-puberty-but-not-an-adult sort of stage where I had puppy fat I wasn't exactly in love with, so I'm guessing she might be too. Then talk to the girlfriend and say you know she didn't mean it meanly, but that's the way it was taken, and in future she should not comment about anyone's body as it's likely to cause offence.

I think if you're trying to normalise body weight by not talking about diets and focusing on health, you also need to normalise accepting your body as it is, and accepting that some people are going to make comments because they are incapable of keeping their mouths shut.

I know it's hard to be objective, as a 43 year old woman who's been obsessive about weight since about age 12/13, it's a hard line to walk.

This. If you are going to live within a different culture, its polite to learn what is culturally acceptable.

I would write a short speaking note for my DH to use when talking to his son.

• We know DD is overweight
• So does DD and she is very unhappy and very sensitive about it
• DD and her mum are addressing it
• I've been told as a man not to say anything as I'll only make it worse (This is fair/true)

• Christmas Day is not a day for diets or for any unkind remarks
• Girlfriend is still welcome but she cannot say anything about diets or weight to DD or to anyone else
• If she can't promise this, she can't come to our Christmas lunch

• If she wants to apologise to DD saying "I am very sorry. I am Russian and we can be very rude by accident. Can we start again today? is fine. Do not specifically mention her weight or the previous remarks made in any apology
• Or saying nothing at all, might be better?

Being overweight as a 14-year old is very hard. Other girls can be very cruel. And it makes enjoying sports and teenage fashion much trickier. Sadly, your DD will have almost certainly heard much worse comments from her peers at school.

I wouldn't uninvite the girlfriend over a clumsy, albeit very upsetting, but well-intentioned remark to my teenage child.

I have a similar age DD who struggles with an eating disorder due to some bullying (none weight related) a few years ago. I am very open with all my DC about puberty and how weight/shape changes constantly ect. Luckily for me 1 of my DC is one of those people who pile on weight then suddenly grow 2ft over night. Whereas another has a gradual weight gain followed by a grafual growth. So we have talked about how different it is.

One thing I am really trying to do with my DC but particularly my DDs is to build confidence with calling out things in the moment. So I would talk to your DD and go over how she could handle it differently e.g. after the comment was made "did you mean to be ao rude?". This would have given your Dss GF a chance to think about what she has said and then explain why she said it.

I do think as a nation we are very scared of talking about a person's weight but I also believe we have no right to say things to someone who we do not know extremely well. As we never know why someone is they way they are.
I also hate people saying it's cultural as a reason for explaining away behaviour that has impacted another person. If the GF lives in the UK she should know how sensitive weight is here and that it is not something we openly comment on. She should also be aware that teenagers in particular are very sensitive around certain topics.

DSS is not her child so it'll be fine by her :)

Exactly. Overweight people from Russia don’t love being told they’re fat either and it hurts them too. Racism and ableism still used to be deeply hurtful when people felt free to engage in that behaviour. My guess is that this bitchy girl knows exactly what she is doing. If she claims to be motivated by concern for health, I wonder if she’d sidle up to a middle aged man and tell him to slim down. My guess is not but apparently this young girl is fair game.

Your daughter has expressed her wishes. She now wants to spend Christmas with her Dad. Let her. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with a mother and stepfather who seem impotent when coming to my defence.

Being Russian doesn't excuse the inappropriateness of telling a teenager (who they've only just met) that she needs to lose weight...'for her health'. Culture clash? Are you serious?

Your daughter is distressed by what was said. It's Christmas. You can't expect her to feel comfortable being in this woman's company. I'm surprised you would be tbh.

Do you think it would matter much for a Russian to be uninvited? They don't celebrate in December anyway.

He’s a step child on mumsnet , of course there are no consequences for him 😉

Throughout their childhood you focus on/ role-model healthy eating habits + exercise, as well as good relationship with food, to prevent eating disorders.

A fleeting comment by a stranger is not going to undo your hard work. Good people sometime say unkind things. You teach resilience in children by showing them how to manage their feelings in the face of negative comments, not by isolating themselves from people as to not get hurt.

I have lived abroad many times.

My stance is unchanged. What it’s like in other countries is irrelevant. She should acquaint herself with the customs of the country she is choosing to live in.

LOL this a million of times :)))
MN is a testament to this :)

Maybe, mabye not. They are people with feelings too.
I just think intention is an important part of the equation here. And I have no way of knowing that. I don't know whether the GF is a cow or just misguided.

I just meant it's not their biggest event of the year, not that they don't have feelings :)

She's probably fairly recent to the UK and hasn't assimilated yet.

We are talking about a child here. It was absolutely inappropriate.

You’re comcerns are valid. But don’t make it bigger by uninviting sons gf. Have a word with her, understand her intentions and set your boundary.

Well said, honestly, the "tell it like it is" brigade salivating at the thought of putting the boot into a teenage girl about her weight and calling it "teaching resilience" . Gross.

A 'fleeting comment by a stranger' can definitely cause a spiral into a full blown eating disorder. Especially in a teenager. It doesn't matter how 'resilient' you think you've taught your child to be.

'Good people sometime say unkind things'. If that's true, then 'good people' will understand there are consequences of saying unkind things.

I had comments like this made to me when I was a teenager and I honestly think they contributed to a serious eating disorder I developed aged 18. I'm now 58 and I still remember the shame and humiliation these comments caused, although I'd handle it differently now but teenage years are such an emotional time with hormonal changes etc, no wonder your poor daughter is upset. I don't care where the girlfriend is from, it was not her place to comment on your daughter's weight. How dare she! Only you or her dad have the right to do that and it sounds like you are handling it really well with the healthy eating/exercise etc route. There's no way my daughter would be spending Christmas elsewhere because she doesn't feel comfortable in her own home with this woman. She's probably worried that she'll be scrutinising every single morsel of food she puts into her mouth. I'd phone DSS and tell him how upset your daughter is, to the point she wants to go to her dad's for Christmas and obviously, you don't want this to happen, so it would be better, this year, if his girlfriend kept away from your daughter and didn't come for Christmas. It's not as if she's his wife, they don't even live together. Why should you or your husband put this woman's feelings above your daughters.