DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Why is any of this the responsibility of DSS? The girlfriend is an adult, the OP is an adult, why is it necessary to force people into a discussion that isn't theirs to have?

It would have upset me but I would have told them so. And because they are a genuine friend they would have taken that on board and apologised and tried not to do it again.

They've actually never commented on my weight. They're not that skinny themselves lol so that maybe why. But they have made other personal comments which quite rude.

They're actually a lovely person and a true friend. Have seen me through some awful times in my life with real understanding.

What I do know, is that with them it cuts both ways. They can take a direct comment back. I just call them out on it.

This is why with the GF I would tell her (or get DS to). Because if it is a really just a cultural misunderstanding she will be upset that she's caused offence. Then you'll know it wasn't intentional and also she can try not to do it in future.

Because @shakeitskateit doesnt have the contact details for this woman and he is the one bringing her into the family Christmas

it’s kind of obvious why he gets the text

Cultural differences and resilience are irrelevant, I would not have my 14 year old daughter feeling uncomfortable in her own home on Christmas Day, not relaxing or eating what she wanted for fear of being judged or another nasty comment.

If she'd said that comment to you OP as an adult, would you want her there at Christmas?

tbh, it is supposed to be a lovely day, so if GF is coming over and that is non negotiable, then DD must be offered the choice of what to do.

And if she can't go to her dad's? and doesn't want to be confronted with Russian woman? OP can find somewhere for the pair of them to celebrate, and the DH his DS and the Russian woman can have their own lovely party. Hopefully Russian woman is as lovely to two men (highly unlikely IME) as she was to a teenage girl.

I'm not sure why this discussion has turned into whether it is culturally appropriate or not to comment on people's weights, or what the intent of the DSS's girlfriend was. All this is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how that comment landed with an impressionable 14 year old, how it made her feel that day, how it is going to make her feel at Christmas (if her family chooses politeness to DSS's GF over prioritizing her comfort), and what lasting impact its going to have on her. I would have absolutely no qualms about uninviting DSS's GF - if DSS has an issue with it, he can presumably go to his mum's place with his GF. DSS is an adult, DD is not.

Well. You are completely proving my point. Let’s not inflict the harm down the generations now we know the harm it does 🙄

This. 💯

Huh? Are you quite well or are you totally misunderstanding what I am saying?

In which case, the OP or her daughter asks the DSS for her number? Or asks DSS to pass on her number to the GF? It's ridiculous to drag various members of a family into some drama over one remark that could (and should) be dealt with in a sensible way. Why should DSS have to explain why someone else was upset, when it's not necessarily his perspective?

"are you quite well" is quite a bollock thing to say to someone, no?

I would absolutely not have escalated this one bit. I wouldn't even have messaged the son.

Part of life is coming up against such comments. They present a good opportunity to teach our children how to react and how to respond.

No but she needs to learn what is and isn’t socially acceptable in the country she has chosen to live in. The consequence of her behaviour is to be uninvited for Christmas.

Because no British person has ever said anything that you would deem not socially acceptable...

Uninvite her for Christmas? Utterly ridiculous, over the top and cruel.

Hopefully the OP will not listen to this terrible advise and let the whole thing lie, now.

I knew you were going to say she was from Russia. Definitely a cultural thing. I worked as a professional dancer for years and was in a touring show with lots of Russian cast members. I am 163cm and at the time weighed 50kg (I looked tiny). I was constantly told by the Russian dancers that I needed to loose weight and distinctly remember them saying to me one night behind the curtains before we went on stage ‘if you loose 10kg, you will look ok’, whilst pinching my non-existent stomach. It still feels like a gut punch now whenever I think about it 25 years later.
I really hope your daughter is okay.

Wrong. British children are twice as likely to be obese than Russian https://data.worldobesity.org/tables/ranking-obesity-by-country-children-4.pdf
(11% of children in the UK vs 6% in Russia)

Ignoring the facts is never helpful.

Well they obviously catch up later in life then because about 60% of Russian adults are overweight or obese and in terms of longevity, a British child is likely to live longer than a Russian one.

Adult obesity is almost exactly the same, that may be what the poster is referring to.

Your daughter was upset and she just needed to share with you why.

You’d be very unreasonable to take it further. Your DSS has already told you it wasn’t meant in a mean way. You said your dd is a bit overweight - do you expect her not to know that herself? Does she think being a bit overweight is healthier than being slim?

Don’t teach your dd to ‘cancel’ people because their facts are hurting her feelings.

And how long would it take you to learn precisely what is socially acceptable in Japan or France or Turkey? Can you even speak a language but English?

We don’t know how long this girl has been here or how good her English is.
You’re expecting her to learn fluent English and master all social customs on what timeframe precisely?

People will say cruel things to your DD, and most of it will happen when you’re not around. If you already know she’s overweight and still refuse to address it, you’re being naïve if you think other kids haven’t noticed or commented. They have.

This is the real world, it’s not always kind and fluffy , and it won’t protect her feelings. Uninviting DGF from Christmas to keep your DD comfortable fixes nothing. What’s the plan after that? Are you going to remove every person who says something she doesn’t like? Because that’s not possible.

I was pretty sure before you answered tbe question that the answer would be Russian. Knowing this, her comment is unsurprising - but no less hurtful to DD

I would be very upset by this, as someone who has personal experience of how 'well-meaning' comments to young girls can turn into years of disordered eating! It's just not appropriate to comment on other people's appearances either. Culturally forthcoming or not, it can be really damaging to a girl at this stage of life, and unless your DD is seriously overweight not even really right, someone can be a little chubby (particularly at that age) without being unhealthy. In my experience, such comments tended to come from people who were quite obsessive about their own weight, so to them a size 12 was 'fat', or also quite often motivated by personal insecurities or a desire to position themselves as superior.

The Christmas question is obviously very tricky, I would probably lean towards broaching without DSS how upset your daughter is and that the girlfriend needs to make amends, if your daughter is indeed open to that.

What a cow. I don't blame your dd