DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

Well, maybe it was an unking comment from someone with a different set of social skills and was probably kindly meant, not nastily. But DD should not be dictating who spends Christmas Day in your house - it's blackmail.

You can't disinvite someone over something so trivial and which DD may already know - which means that your well-meant efforts with healthy eating and exercise may have set up a problem with food which you meant to avoid.
Talk to DD. Talk to DSS. Talk to GF if you can. She may say she didn't realise this was an issue and was just being helpful...
Also, since DD was so upset by this remark, are you sure she isn't being bullied at school?

Perceived value? JFC. Absolute misogynist drek

Success depends on healthy self esteem for a start

I don't think his gf should have made that comment to a 14 year old but equally uninviting her (and causing a family rift) isn't justified for what is a relatively harmless and well-meaning comment. Surely families say thoughtless but well-meaning stuff all the time? At 14 your daughter needs to learn how to deal with these and let them roll off her back as retreating is rarely going to be an option and she'll end up with a very small network if she refuses to see anyone who has said something unintentionally hurtful.

Great. So she doesn’t come. Problem solved

She’s not family.

Oh - your poor DD! I remember being that age and on the receiving end of a similar comment and it is awful. Really awful. But I do think the best thing that you can do is to try and deescalate the situation as much as you possibly can, for your DD’s sake as much as for the sake of wider family relations. I would do the following:

• Speak to (or better still, get your DH to speak to) your DSS about it. And speak to him seriously. Acknowledge the cultural difference, accept that the girlfriend didn’t mean to be unkind - but leave him in no doubt that she’s caused a lot of hurt and upset and that he needs to make it clear to her that any further comments of that nature won’t be tolerated.
• Try and minimise the time DD spends with the GF. Put place cards out for lunch - make sure your DD is at the other end of the table etc.
• Speak to DD about cultural differences and explain that, while she is understandably upset by the comment, this doesn’t mean that the GF is a nasty person or that she meant to upset her. I’m sure you can find something to illustrate the situation in reverse so that DD can see what you mean.
• Don’t hesitate to intervene if there are any further comments made by the GF. On that basis, she’s had it explained to her and so, if she continues, it’s then fair enough to regard it as really poor behaviour and for you to say so. You’ll also have been very clear beforehand with your DSS, so he can’t really complain at that point.

Poor girl! I hope you all manage to have a nice day in the end. These things can be so difficult, even when it’s adults involved.

Okay are you saying women are not judged by their weight absolutely fucking constantly? Fine if you want to shut your eyes to it but it’s there. Look at Princess Diana who was mocked for being “chubby” and developed an eating disorder, Kate Middleton who has lost an alarming amount of weight since being in the public eye, or basically any female celebrity who has got dragged for gaining even a few pounds. Are you genuinely saying that doesn’t exist? Because you are wrong.

OTOH does she have a point? A chubby child becomes an obese adult unless something changes. Maybe look at your portions and between meal snacks. Start an activity together. Frame it as a whole family gets fit in 2026.

In your shoes I'd 100% prioritise your daughter's comfort and wouldn't make her spend Xmas with DSS' girlfriend (imagine how uncomfortable she would feel indulging in a Christmas dinner with her around!).

But in your husband's shoes I wouldn't see uninviting her as an option because his son may not come either.

It's tricky but I think you should both prioritise your children and celebrate separately.

In the long run, I think someone needs to explain to the girlfriend that it isn't culturally appropriate to point out people's weight in the UK. She has chosen to live here and needs to adhere to local customs to an extent. I can't imagine a HR department taking kindly to her calling her coworkers fat regardless of what is acceptable in her own culture.

To everyone saying it is ok that the DSS's GF told @shakeitskateit's DD that she is overweight because the GF comes from a culture where they are blunt speaking, and therefore the GF shouldn't have her rudeness and carelessness pointed out to her, why? Why shouldn't the GF be told that she is now living in a culture where it is considered to be very rude, and indeed nasty, to tell anyone they are overweight, but particularly children?

There are many cultures, some of which seem to be very popular with my fellow British people, where if you go to their countries, yet don't take a lot of care to folliw their cultural norms, you can end up in very deep water, and can even be sent to prison if you break their cultural rules. I don't know of any other country in the world - other than the UK - where they basically apologise for having their own cultural norms, and fall over backwards to try and make sure that we never offend the feelings of the visitar - short or long-term - to our shores.

OP, I can understand completely why your DD is feeling as she does, and on Christmas Day, when the rest of you are tucking in to the delicious food, your DD will almost certainly be thinking "oh, I can't eat these roast potatoes, or the roasted carrots and parsnips, and I better only have small portions of everything else, because DSS's GF will be watching me and thinking what a pig I am. I had also better not have any of Nan"s wonderful sherry trifle, or even a mince pie later, even though for the first time ever I am going to still be hungry after my Christmas dinner! I have just thought that I had better not eat any of my the selection box Santa gave me, or even any of the chocolate coins either".

I wouldn't be surprised OP if your DD didn't try to stay upstsirs in her bedroom for the rest of the day, and not even be able to comfort eat any of her chocolate, as she would still be thinking about what the 'GF' had said, and think to herself that she - your DD - really is a pig, and start wondering what she can do about losing weight. I think that most of us Mumsnetters will have very sadly heard the horror stories about the lengths some teenage girls will go to, to try to improve their very unhealthy body image.

One last thing @shakeitskateit, I wonder why the 'GF' didnt say that to your DD in front of anyone else...?

I would tell my daughter to respond next time with "you should try not to invade other people's countries, it's less arseholey"

WTF?

That would explain a lot. My bf is Russian. They do tend to be over direct about stuff - to the point of being rude for my British way of thinking. They don't mean it though and are very quick to apologise if they cause upset. Talking about money, appearance etc is not considered rude for them. But, bless them, they are always trying to be 'more British' so as not to cause offence.

I'd ask your DS if he can ask her to send a message to your DD apologising. He's right, it is a cultural thing. In our multicultural society, it's always worth knowing that other people may not intend what we think they do when they do things like this.

I wouldn't cancel meeting up with them at Xmas. You could use it as an opportunity to build bridges. Maybe ask the GF to say something complementary to your DD when she sees her. Much better than having a low level family feud brewing in the background.

Definitely a cultural thing and a better way of dealing with things in my opinion. No “be nice” and avoid the actual issue. Our culture has become too sensitive and as a result, important things are not challenged for fear of upsetting people.

It’s fine to say this, it’s a cultural norm and people are too sensitive and need to grow up. Especially children, right?

Honestly OP the anxiety this will cause your daughter on Christmas Day that she may be judged for eating or anxious over what will be said next to her, is not fair on her.

Yeah, it's definitely cultural. I actually prefer how straight forward they can be. I'd explain it to your daughter as, she wasn't saying she's fat. It's likely came from a place of good intentions and care but if daughter is happy, then it means nothing. She doesn't need to change or anything. You can't change everyone's approach, but you can help your daughter see it from a different mindset. Laugh it off, don't make it a big issue. Does DD think she's overweight? If so, you can use it as a tool to help her get on track. If she doesn't and she's happy with herself, that's great too, a little overweight is fine at her age imo. It doesn't need to be a 'thing.'

If my russian friend had said it to my child, after checking how they feel about themselves, we'd then laugh it off and call her a cheeky bitch but it doesn't need to be taken as a barbed comment.

Cultural or not DSS gf needs to mind her own business and not be such a bitch! As a PP has said these things tend to stick when they are said. If you spend Christmas with them you need to keep an eye on her and not leave her on her own with DD.

I don’t accept that this is an ok remark because GF is from Russia. Would you think it would be ok for me to go to Pakistan and tell a Muslim that they really should have some tasty bacon for breakfast like lots of people in the UK do?

14yos can be chubby during puberty.

This was a dangerous remark to make to a 14yo. It could trigger an ED, MH issues etc.

I don’t really know what a good solution would be. It was a totally unacceptable remark. Apologising might make it worse.

I think, all things considered, that I would protect the MH of the 14yo by sending your DH and smaller kids to visit DSS/Gf instead of having them for Christmas. I think your DH and DSS have no real idea of the damage that a “small” comment to a 14yo girl could do.

I agree. It’s a horrible lesson but DD will find out sooner or later that different cultures have different sets of rules, especially if she travels. I suspect her weight is bothering her deep down, which is why she’s reacted like this.

Would you be cool with your Russian boyfriend calling you fat or not so much?

The point is though, that GF is probably not being a bitch. She just made a mistake based on her own life experiences.

My friend would never intentionally upset me but they have done on several occasions beause sometimes people speak without understanding that it is unacceptable in other cultures.

It doesn't make them a horrible person. It makes them flawed - like the rest of us.

Far better for DD to understand that people say/do the wrong thing sometimes than to demonise someone who may well be part of the family in the future.

But I'd still want GF to say sorry and to acknowledge that she now knows it's not an ok thing to say. She may already know that.

But honestly, sometimes things are said that in hindsight might not have been. Who can honestly say they've never done that?

Text DSS and pass on the message that what the woman said wasn’t acceptable at all and perhaps she needs to either apologise properly or make other plans for Christmas. DSS is welcome, but the GF as it stands isn’t

as if being Russian is an excuse, she’s living here right? Time to learn to live in a civilised society.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF.

but you are their mum, not some random person who is rude, @FairKoala
and tbh (i don't live in my country of origin, so this is not being rude it is being practical) if you live somewhere you adapt to them, not act rude and then laugh it off with "oh, it's my culture". That is rude, minimising bollocks.

It wasn't a particularly considerate thing to say, but to change Christmas plans over it seems ridiculous.

Your DD is allowed to be hurt, but unless you're advocating for cutting anyone who ever says something hurtful, regardless of intention, out of her life forever (and I'm wondering how this would work when it happens somewhere that she can't exert that level of control) then there's an element of resilience required here too. This is an opportunity to model resilience and emotional intelligence to your daughter, by having - or, better still, guiding her to have - a conversation about how this remark made her feel, and setting some boundaries in future about what she'd be prepared to accept as well-meant, having explained how it made her feel.

I was fat from the age of 12 to 44, so I know how it feels to have unkind comments made about your weight, but I also know that I have to live in a world full of people and find ways to navigate that.

I don’t know if you’ve lived abroad but you don’t stop being English in Russia, she doesn’t stop being Russian in England.