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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dreading team build day but don’t think I can not attend

161 replies

Oldtown2 · 15/12/2025 21:36

I work in a fairly small team, there’s only 7 of us.

On Thursday, it’s long been planned that there’s a team build day during working hours followed by our Christmas social.

The team build is offsite, some planning etc first thing and then a couple of activities. One of these activities is a sort of outdoor sauna thing (I think there’s ice baths etc too).

I am absolutely dreading this because I don’t want my colleagues to see me in my swimwear. I have had two children in quick succession and am still much bigger than I was before (I got as big as size 18 and am trying to get back towards my normal 12 but it’s a long process).

The problem is that this is during work hours so not really optional. All my colleagues today were going on about how excited they are for it and I was sat there trying to keep a smile on my face.

AIBU to refuse to do this, or fake a headache on the afternoon? I know I’m probably over thinking things but I can’t describe how anxious I feel.

OP posts:
monjmaintainer · 17/12/2025 05:29

I agree with everyone else - go to the day but when it comes to the outdoor sauna part just say unfortunately I am not able to use saunas due to a (unspecified) health condition. If it’s a place where you can only access the area not in outdoor clothes then take a comfortable set of shorts/tshirt or even trackies, flip flops and a robe and chat to them from the side. I’m imagining a set up with loungers etc too. If it’s just one of those outdoor sauna’s and plunge pools that have become popular to set up in pretty coastal or country locations then don’t bother.

Alternatively, being a teacher on year 6 trips has meant me needing to wear swim wear around colleagues and pupils many times - I always wear minimum of board shorts and a rash vest or even go in in gym leggings that don’t get heavy when wet - but in your scenario I wouldn’t want to get in the sauna at all.

if it’s only part of the day’s activities just don’t take swimwear and don’t make a big deal of it just “shame I can’t join in with this, see you after” and let them get on with it.

Hmm1234 · 17/12/2025 05:53

Sauna as a work social? Sounds creepy

Muffinmam · 17/12/2025 06:08

Oldtown2 · 15/12/2025 21:36

I work in a fairly small team, there’s only 7 of us.

On Thursday, it’s long been planned that there’s a team build day during working hours followed by our Christmas social.

The team build is offsite, some planning etc first thing and then a couple of activities. One of these activities is a sort of outdoor sauna thing (I think there’s ice baths etc too).

I am absolutely dreading this because I don’t want my colleagues to see me in my swimwear. I have had two children in quick succession and am still much bigger than I was before (I got as big as size 18 and am trying to get back towards my normal 12 but it’s a long process).

The problem is that this is during work hours so not really optional. All my colleagues today were going on about how excited they are for it and I was sat there trying to keep a smile on my face.

AIBU to refuse to do this, or fake a headache on the afternoon? I know I’m probably over thinking things but I can’t describe how anxious I feel.

Call in sick for the entire day.

Gastro would work.

I absolutely hate team building activities.

Work Christmas events should be dinner and drinks. That’s it.

sittingonabeach · 17/12/2025 06:24

You could use a health reason for doing it, I faint in saunas so wouldn’t be for me. Have never done an ice bath but my blood pressure could also be a problem with them too. But you should just be able to say no to this.

Conniebygaslight · 17/12/2025 06:30

Oldtown2 · 15/12/2025 22:05

It has been done elsewhere in the company earlier this year - that’s where my manager got the idea, so it’s not an issue from that perspective unfortunately

But it’s an issue with you OP. Understandably. Don’t go. They can’t force you to.

Carlathomasillneverstoplovingyou · 17/12/2025 06:32

Who on earth thinks up these things.

FancyFireplaces · 17/12/2025 06:35

I hate saunas. They’re far too hot. It’s absolutely fine to say you don’t enjoy them.

Peridoteage · 17/12/2025 06:38

This is bizarre. Our HR would absolutely annihilate a line manager who planned a team building day involving saunas/anything in swimwear!

PaperBlueCornflower · 17/12/2025 06:41

Oldtown2 · 15/12/2025 21:36

I work in a fairly small team, there’s only 7 of us.

On Thursday, it’s long been planned that there’s a team build day during working hours followed by our Christmas social.

The team build is offsite, some planning etc first thing and then a couple of activities. One of these activities is a sort of outdoor sauna thing (I think there’s ice baths etc too).

I am absolutely dreading this because I don’t want my colleagues to see me in my swimwear. I have had two children in quick succession and am still much bigger than I was before (I got as big as size 18 and am trying to get back towards my normal 12 but it’s a long process).

The problem is that this is during work hours so not really optional. All my colleagues today were going on about how excited they are for it and I was sat there trying to keep a smile on my face.

AIBU to refuse to do this, or fake a headache on the afternoon? I know I’m probably over thinking things but I can’t describe how anxious I feel.

I have a really painful ear infection and couldn't do anything involving swimming or ice baths. There are all sorts of medical that could prevent those activities and so many things going round and you definitely can't risk catching flu before Christmas and passing it on to your vulnerable relatives...

RubyFlax · 17/12/2025 07:14

It always baffles me why so many people come up with excuses or reasons (lies) as to why they can’t do something. It is absolutely fine to say you don’t want to do something !!! You don’t have to be difficult about it, just be polite and clear.
“I’don’t feel comfortable taking part in that bit, but I’ll happily join in with the rest of the day”

end of.

Who’s going to challenge it?
Life gets a whole lot simpler when you’re assertive and can say no to things you don’t want to do, and realise you don’t owe people an explanation either.

Handbagcuriosity · 17/12/2025 07:27

When I saw your title OP I thought your thread was going to be about not wanting to join the team building day as activities aren’t your thing. But reading the activity that is planned I don’t blame you for not wanting to go. It’s not appropriate.

Can you have a quiet word with your manager? As pp’s have said you could telll a few white lies, eg you feel claustrophobic (I do in hot temperatures) and really emphasise that you are happy to join other activities but this would give you lots of anxiety and you don’t feel comfortable?

Depending on what they say then maybe you could raise it with their manager or HR. Appreciate you said it’s been done elsewhere in the company but it doesn’t mean the HR team would be on board (they probably don’t know anything about it)

GreenMarigold · 17/12/2025 07:41

I’ve had spa days with colleagues in the past that have involved being in swimsuits for parts of the day. Most of us didn’t mind the swimsuits but there were a few who didn’t take part. Personally I would struggle with the sauna aspect because I find hot air aggravates my asthma so I’d have to sit out of that activity. Could you use that as an excuse?

FenceBooksCycle · 17/12/2025 07:45

It's totally fine for you to skip the sauna part.

Any expectation or requirement to be with colleagues wearing less than you are happy with would be discriminatory and abusive. You aren't in a job where stripping off in front of colleagues is an intrinsic part of the work, so you have the absolute right to maintain your dignity and keep your clothes on.

That said, nobody who matters actually cares about your body shape. Anyone who is actually nice isn't looking or judging, and anyone who is judgemental will be just as judgemental whatever happens because they are a fundamentally unpleasant person and you skipping the sauna part won't stop them from being so. So if you'd actually enjoy it if you were on your own, comsider doing it and not giving a toss what others think of your body. Your body bears honourable consequences of motherhood and caring including decades where you haven't had the time to focus on looking after it in the way a carefree and selfish younger woman can. No post-child woman looks as lithe and nubile as she did pre-children and it is one of our evolutionary survival mechanisms that as older women we do accrue the fat reserves quite easily - this being so that the matriarch can survive a long winter with scarce food so that her wisdom can keep the family thriving. Don't be ashamed of this. You do not owe your colleagues or anyone else comfority to sexist ideas that a woman is only worth anything if she looks like a 20yo.

Screamingabdabz · 17/12/2025 08:01

How ironic that a team building activity has already made one of the team feel completely anxious…

I know what people are saying about not lying and ‘be an adult’ - I’m all about being honest and authentic, but the power dynamic especially in a small team, might not be conducive to it. If op says she’s not taking part, however bright and breezily, that could result in real life consequences. I know it would in our small team where anything less than total commitment and positivity toward dumb ideas is considered ‘poor attitude’.

Op - I would break my golden rule of never being dishonest and would ring in sick. By the time you all go back in the new year it’ll be forgotten.

SunnySideDeepDown · 17/12/2025 08:07

I would try to push past your insecurities, this could be good for your confidence! Most mums would feel the exact same way as you, but you really ought not, I bet you’re beautiful the way you are.

As another poster said, take a towel or robe. You can always sit there for 2 mins, say you’re too hot and get out and cover up.

You may have a really great time!

Shedmistress · 17/12/2025 08:19

SunnySideDeepDown · 17/12/2025 08:07

I would try to push past your insecurities, this could be good for your confidence! Most mums would feel the exact same way as you, but you really ought not, I bet you’re beautiful the way you are.

As another poster said, take a towel or robe. You can always sit there for 2 mins, say you’re too hot and get out and cover up.

You may have a really great time!

Or her boss might just be a big old creep. It is fine to say no, its not about being insecure it is about appropriate behaviour in work and this is no way appropriate.

NemesisInferior · 17/12/2025 09:48

SunnySideDeepDown · 17/12/2025 08:07

I would try to push past your insecurities, this could be good for your confidence! Most mums would feel the exact same way as you, but you really ought not, I bet you’re beautiful the way you are.

As another poster said, take a towel or robe. You can always sit there for 2 mins, say you’re too hot and get out and cover up.

You may have a really great time!

I'm sorry, but this is dreadful advice.

Nobody should feel pressurised into doing something they are not comfortable with.

patooties · 17/12/2025 09:50

There’s absolutely zero chance I’d be half naked in front of colleagues on work arranged thing. If I was close to colleagues and we decided to go to the gym together that’s different - and I’m as body confident as you can be.

PithyLimeViper · 17/12/2025 13:21

Say no, this is an outrageous intrusion into your personal space. I doubt you are alone in feeling this is not something you wish to attend.

CandidClarisse · 17/12/2025 13:25

Badslipperluck · 15/12/2025 21:46

Saunas and extreme temperature changes bring on your migraines/other ailments don't they?

This! Even if I go on a Spa day I don’t do the whole Sauna and cold shower bit as it brings on a headache. I’d go along and do the other stuff but sit that bit out. A sauna with work colleagues does sound a bit cringy if I’m honest 🤣

MrsPositivity1 · 17/12/2025 14:37

There is no way I’d be doing that

everdine · 17/12/2025 14:55

YANBU. I wouldn’t go as I hate this sort of thing!

Lentilcrispstastemeh · 17/12/2025 15:27

Bucketfulloftears · 16/12/2025 19:19

-You don't have to forget your costume. What if someone has a spare?
-You don't have to spend money to buy a costume when it's probably for a short part of the day.
-You don't have to give any excuses
-You don't have to remove any clothing to be with your colleagues.
What you need to do OP is simply say sorry not doing that part of the activity day as don't feel comfortable doing it. I bet a few others don't want to do it either.

Agree with this apart from saying sorry not doing it, just saying not doing it is sufficient. They should be bloody apologising for coming up with such an inappropriate activity for a business environment

Furiousbaker · 17/12/2025 18:06

FancyFireplaces · 17/12/2025 06:35

I hate saunas. They’re far too hot. It’s absolutely fine to say you don’t enjoy them.

Same, I hate being hot. Plus sitting with people with sweat rolling off them turns my stomach

SockBanana · 17/12/2025 18:07

I'm absolutely not even that fussed about my body (not saying I'm happy with it - but don't care what anyone else thinks) and I wouldn't be doing this on a work event.

I'd just turn up without my swim stuff and say you're not comfortable with doing this activity. If there's any grumbling remind them firstly, it's your body and they don't own that even during work hours. And secondly, this is a team building event - somewhere where enforcing personal boundaries in a professional environment should be absolutely acceptable.