Dreading team build day but don’t think I can not attend

[Oldtown2]

I work in a fairly small team, there’s only 7 of us.

On Thursday, it’s long been planned that there’s a team build day during working hours followed by our Christmas social.

The team build is offsite, some planning etc first thing and then a couple of activities. One of these activities is a sort of outdoor sauna thing (I think there’s ice baths etc too).

I am absolutely dreading this because I don’t want my colleagues to see me in my swimwear. I have had two children in quick succession and am still much bigger than I was before (I got as big as size 18 and am trying to get back towards my normal 12 but it’s a long process).

The problem is that this is during work hours so not really optional. All my colleagues today were going on about how excited they are for it and I was sat there trying to keep a smile on my face.

AIBU to refuse to do this, or fake a headache on the afternoon? I know I’m probably over thinking things but I can’t describe how anxious I feel.

-You don't have to forget your costume. What if someone has a spare?
-You don't have to spend money to buy a costume when it's probably for a short part of the day.
-You don't have to give any excuses
-You don't have to remove any clothing to be with your colleagues.
What you need to do OP is simply say sorry not doing that part of the activity day as don't feel comfortable doing it. I bet a few others don't want to do it either.

If it's just the swim wear that's a problem, look for a rash vest / t shirt and board shorts or look at 'modest' swim stuff. There's plenty of clothing in a suitable material for getting wet that covers more skin than a typical swimming costume.

Do not “forget” your swimwear, someone will find a way to get you a replacement.

There is no way I would take part in this, and I would have no trouble refusing. It’s completely inappropriate to put you in a situation where you feel physically exposed and vulnerable. I’m wondering who has done the diversity assessment on this one, how about people of different faiths, different gender identities etc?

Don’t make yourself ill with worry over it. Just say you won’t be taking part in activities which require you be to unclothed in the company of your work colleagues.

God almighty some of these replies, risk assessment, diversity assessment, reporting to HR, blah blah blah

No need for all of this, some mad people might like the day and others, like me, would say, see you the lounge, Im having an aperol spritz thanks. (and get reported for being under the influence!!!)

I completely agree with @Bucketfulloftears don't make excuses especially as they could be "fixed" but just say you're not comfortable taking part. Perhaps your manager will say something about not acting as part of the team, I'd challenge that and say they need to come up with more inclusive activities.

However, is it really that bad? I'm 60 and size 20, I often travel with team members for workshops etc and we stay in the same hotel and use the pool/sauna together. I have never worried about it. I mean this kindly and gently - can you not work on your confidence? Either so you can take part, or you can speak up at the time of the suggestion and say it's not for you.

Sadly, I would have some important work to finish that would mean I had to miss it. If I couldn't do that I would have a headache.

This sounds like total gaslighting

Work on your confidence!!!

No one is obliged to wear a swimming costume in front of anyone, no one has to feel comfortable with it and if someone does feel comfortable with it they still might not want to.

So what if you're ok to do it, so what if someone isnt ok to do it. We have choices and autonomy in life.

Rush to the toilet in the office that morning like you're feeling unwell, then tell your team you're really sorry, but you've just been sick. go home.

I have POTS I would faint in a sauna - shame I couldn’t go I’d have loved to.

OP you get migraines right and it triggers them? 😬

Well, that's different. I personally hate team building type activities, although from a company perspective I can understand why they might have some potential value, I've never enjoyed that type of thing.
Got to admit, it does sound like they're trying to do something nice that most of the employees would probably really enjoy, and if someone said to me, here's a sauna for you, it's free, I'd really like that.
But I've also been quite sensitive about my body size in the past as well, (not so much now)

I've gone through a lot of stuff in my life, and I've come to realize that nobody really cares what size you are. They know what size you are they've seen you with their eyes they know you're a size whatever, it really doesn't matter.
Absolutely no one's going to be staring at you and thinking "look at OP, she's so flabby, she's so much fatter than I thought she was in real life, oh she's disgusting, she's hurting my eyes, I so don't respect her anymore"...

They're going to be thinking about themselves, how they look, how they come across, the conversations they're having, and any insecurities they have about themselves ..their body hair, their wobbly bits, their spare tyre...
Most people are absolutely not thinking about you. Most people barely register you as part of their day, they think about themselves.
I am certain that you would be fine, and that if you relaxed you could enjoy yourself (as much as one can on a employee team building activity day)
I agree, have a nice cover up or robe to where until you get right to the sauna part where you take it off, it'll make you feel less self-conscious to have some sort of cover up, aside from that, hey, hate to be a big time downer but you're probably better looking now than you're going to be in 5 or 10 or 15 years and you look back at that time at photos of yourself now and you'll say God I actually looked really good I can't believe I felt that I was fat or unattractive. Look at me now....

Looking back, we always worried more than we needed to.

I would just say “Enjoy yourselves everyone, steam and ice not my thing, see you after’”

if that was suggested at my work I’d laugh and say they can find me after with a book in a nice cafe 😂 I hate saunas. Tried one a couple of times and was bored and don’t understand why anyone wants to sit there sweating with nothing to do. I’m a size 8 and beyond finding the activity completely unattractive I wouldn’t love wearing swim wear either. I also wouldn’t feel at all guilty about saying no thanks, that’s not for me, it’s surely a bit of a niche activity?

Right? How horribly uncomfortable

Christ I’d hate this. Whose idea was this ?! I’d definitely make an excuse. Be unwell.

Agree, there’s no way in hell I’d be doing this with colleagues. I actually have a health condition which means I couldn’t do it but that’s irrelevant- I’d tell them I’m not comfortable being in swimwear with them. End of.

I think it's massively inappropriate to expect colleagues to strip off in front of each other. Who in god's name came up with that bollocks.

We had something similar planned recently. When I found out, I made it known to a member of the exec team that it wasn't very inclusive, and went against the company values. It was cancelled , well changed, very soon afterwards.

I would try mentioning something similar.

Who on earth thought that this was in way appropriate? I would refuse and I am sure there are others in your team are equally uncomfortable with the idea.

I've had a similar situation in the past with work. I got round it by buying swimming leggings that ended at my knees and a swimming top that covered my belly and had elbow length sleeves. I felt very covered up and not vulnerable at all. I was a size 22 at that point. I think it was simply be or yours clothing I got them from.

This is such a shit idea for a teambuilding.

Just refuse. Just say "sorry, I don't feel comfortable in swimwear in front of my collegues" and sit it out. Nobody should feel presurised into doing something they don't want to do, and I bet at least 1 other person thinks exactly the same. Don't make excuses and certainly don't mess around spending money on coverups.

Once you learn to just say no to shit you don't want to do and stop giving a shit about what others think, life becomes far easier.

Go, but don't do that bit. You could have your period, which would be grim in a sauna and ice bath. Say you are volunteering to take photos in the iced baths etc.

Just say you “think “” you’ve got the flu coming and opt out - terrible shame but he ho….why stress yourself out

I have a very jaundiced view of team building days after a memorable one in the early 90s which came to actual blows, but a sauna scenario is unbelievably inappropriate. I’d refuse to participate. And say how inappropriate i thought it was.

Apart from the body exposure, who goes to these places during flu season? Nah...I'd be sitting this one out!

To be honest I think colleagues are the one group of people where it’s ok for you to not have a perfect figure around them. I think most women purposely dress in a manner at work that is plain and modest, and tbh if I was going to a sauna with colleagues I would wear more coverage than I would if I was going to a sauna with husband or friends. Obviously I’m not saying you need to get your kit off, if you’re totally uncomfortable then just say so and don’t do the activity. But I do feel, you can probably get away with wearing a full length robe and a tee/vest and shorts underneath so you’re never exposed nor in a bikini.