Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

At the end of the day if he felt he wasn’t ready she’s trying to push him into marriage. I agree with pp that maybe they needed to have more of a conversation about timelines etc but if she really loved him she would have waited for him to be ready. (Not forever though!) Lots of people saying she may want a family, why does she need to be married for that?
Im sure in the 3 years they’ve been together they have discussed marriage and children, they must have been on the same page about it at some point.
Seems to me she’s trying to back him into a corner. Which has worked as he’s now promising to buy a ring for her.

It’s so hard op to see your ds so upset, especially as he felt all was ok in his relationship and he’s been blindsided by her decision to end the relationship. All you can do is support him, be there for him and get him to talk. It’s not wise to go and talk to her.

As entertainment goes, the OP hasn't put too much effort 😂

This isn't the only reason.
But...silly timeline stuff? I told my now husband that after five years together (and I was 25) that if he didn't propose soon I would leave. I was serious. He proposed that Christmas. She has every right to know whether she is investing her time and prime reproductive years on a starter or a non starter.

@Beautifulsunflowers You ask why does she need to be married for children. Why on earth would you do that to your body to produce a child for a man who can't be bothered to put a ring on your finger? It's not unreasonable to want your child to be legitimate and the product of two people who were prepared to swear vows to each other about it being forever? Anyway, in her case it's lucky they didn't get married because OP would no doubt be assuring her son he was entitled to half her flat.

Well at 27 I wouldn’t want to faff my fertile years away with a man who didn’t know what they wanted.

I always used to give myself a 2 year limit. No signs of proposal and I was gone.

He basically said he’d only propose when he’s good and ready. Nothing to do with her. Or when she might be ready. That’s not a good representation of a healthy relationship where he can’t even discuss it properly with her. Now a knee jerk reaction to buy a ring! I’d have dumped him too. Christmas or not, he isn’t mature enough for a committed relationship and she is. Time to part ways.

Well then he should have grabbed her with both hands when he had the chance. He did have 3 years, after all. And she did lay all of her cards on the table, only to be called “silly”.

He’s in the FO stage of FAFO.

But she is ready. He’s had 3 years of her life, if he’s not ready that’s fine but she needs to find someone who is. His dad is right.

He lives on her apartment and think he is such a catch that he can take his time with proposal? He shoukd have considered hinself lucky she moved him in and even considered him as a husband material,something is off when a woman becomes the provider.

She did right moving on

Why would she go back to your DS? He clearly told her it was silly and would be on his terms like she has no say in her life. Now he says I will buy you a ring because she left. It isn't that she doesn't know what she wants. It is that she doesn't want an engagement by forcing his hand. She doesn't want to be engaged because he has to do it. She wanted him to commit because he loved her and he blew her off. He doesn't want to marry her out of love, but fear of losing. What a bitter taste that leaves knowing you got a ring because they had to.

Honestly OP, she would be stupid to go back to him because she would always know he only proposed because she broke up with him. I am sure she doesn't want her marriage to start that way. She is better off finding someone who truly loves her and start her life on a good and happy note. It is cruel to say it is her that doesn't know what she wants. She had the mature conversation telling him exactly what she wanted and point blank your son fucked up and can't take it back. It is a very hard lesson he is learning.

Just a thought. Is the I in the title a slip? Is this the son? Apologies if not, but I’m starting to think all the OP responses are a bit odd

If it is the son rather than the mother posting, I imagine it has been a rather chastening experience.

My daughter engaged after 5 years of dating.

Slow movers, your offspring!

Probably, but it's fun to debate anyway

Absolutely this! Some men think they can float along nicely in a long term relationship without making plans for the future whilst women have their biological clocks ticking especially when they reach their 30’s. She’s done the right thing for her.

I really hope he doesn't manage to worm his way back in with this young woman.

He had his chance, but now facing the loss of his home as well, he is panicking and saying he will buy a ring... How romantic of him!

I hope her own mother is as vocal as you are, and she is telling her to throw this one back.

He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right

And the time was right for her to get rid. I applaud her and wouldn't be letting him stay either.

Lesson 1- you snooze you lose.
Lesson 2- Respect her decision and he better not dare think he knows what she wants more than she does. And don"t you dare agree with him. She has made her decision, he needs to learn that women are not below him and move on.

My ex was like this...promised me he'd propose...so I waited and waited (I was a naive 21-25 year old during this relationship) and no he didn't propose so I moved out and told him it was over.

As soon as I was gone, he was phoning my parents and popping round (no mobiles then!) pleading with me and I remember his words 'we'll go shopping for a ring tmrw'. And I realised then and there that he never planned to propose, he would have just had us bimble along forever. He was only going to buy me a ring to shut me up, there was never going to be a wedding.

He was the same as your DS. You/your DS (which ever one of you has posted this thread) is thinking 'life's grand for me, got a roof over my head, sex on tap, blah blah...why would I need to change anything?' Back fired hey!

Your husband is right, and I suspect as a man he sees and understands full well the massive contradiction your son has been living - claiming to love this woman, living under her roof as if married, but dismissing her serious question about making that alleged love official and signatures in the appropriate places.

He sees in his son the thinking that inspired the phrase "why would you buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?" Your son seems to have believed he could get away with that approach to the relationship. It has backfired thanks to the fact that he clearly didn't know his girlfriend very well.

Think about it - your son would have been entitled to half the value of the apartment if he had popped the question and hurried down to the nearest registry office with the woman he loved. That means something to your husband and it meant the same thing to the woman ypur son was stringing along.

She is well shot of her former boyfriend. She is only 27. She will meet someone else easily. She has a smart head on her shoulders, she knows exactly what she wants and she isn't afraid to go for it.

We don't have a lot of info about the couple involved here but I have seen this with men before. And will put the question forward that, if they are living together, have been together for 3 years, why didn't he want to get married? Clearly he doesn't have a fundamental objection to marriage as now the shit has hit the fan he's scrabbling about to buy the ring.

Or is it that he was hedging his bets in case something better came along?

Don’t be silly! Lots of men want to get married.

Why do you think all men don’t want to marry and are “forced” into it and all women do want to marry?

Dh proposed to me before we were even properly together, men are pretty keen when they want to marry you incase someone else comes along.

Your dh is right.

Maybe they just aren’t right for each other after all. I think if he didn’t want to propose to her after 3 years then they are a mismatch.

It is a bit odd that the OP hasn’t referred to their slip up or asked for it to be changed.