Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

They should go their separate ways. I didn’t realise there was a time limit of when you should get engaged.

Dh and I were 24 and 25 when we got together. We both knew pretty much straight away that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and so within three years we were married and starting to think about having children.

I appreciate that not everyone wants a foolish whirlwind romance but I do think that when you know you know and there’s no point fannying around. I don’t blame your son’s ex. I would have done the same with dh if he was still pussyfooting around at the age of 30.

But your son doesnt seem like he's so great either. He wanted to have his cake and eat it. Live a life in a relationship but also without one commitment that was important to the gf.
If I was her, I also would not want a rushed engagement now, that ship has sailed. You say she doesnt know what she wants- yes she does, she wants a guy propose not under duress after a breakup in an act of desperation.
You seem so concerned she may not find the right guy, but it's all really a concern for your son, isnt it, not the wellbeing of the GF?

There isnt if both people agree on it. But if they are not onthe same page and one if flaky, then the other side may just decide they are not happy with this.

I dumped a long term boyfriend and moved cities single at 27. After 3 months met Dh who was only 25. By date 3 we knew this was it. After 3 months he moved in two months later proposed I was married by 29. When a decent man is keen he moves fast. She’s quite right to bin him.

Apart from anything else I can’t stand faffers and heel draggers and wouldn’t want that sort of wet lazy attitude in a life partner. Want someone dynamic who grabs life with both hands and gets on with it.

If you do call and "talk some sense into her", you will probably reinforce her decision to escape a controlling MIL. What are you going to say to her anyway? That she should just hang around till your son proposes?

If this is genuine I’d say your DS has had a narrow escape tbh! He already told her he wouldn’t commit to a timeline for engagement, that he would know when the time was right………that wasn’t good enough for princess gf! Her loss, he sounds like a lovely person……she’s just after the ring!

What a daft comment. She's doesn’t want to be one of those mugs who drifts along as a girlfriend then gets dumped at 42 for a 27 year old who he quickly marries and starts a family with.

You are so wrong OP, we read countless threads on here where women lose the best years of their life being carrot dangled and picking up crumbs. He either sees her as the one after three years at 30 or he doesn’t, it often takes two years to plan a wedding so he would be 32 by the time they married, older by the time children came along. She can see it may never happen and she’s hit out whilst she’s young enough to find someone who wants the same.

i don't believe this is the first time she’s made her feelings and aspirations known. you need to butt out, she will always be the one that got away.

Quite the contrary.

I'd say she knows exactly what she wants and that she's communicated it to him quite clearly.

I'm sure the OP's son is 'a good man' in many ways but she values herself and what she wants too. Maybe she won't meet another 'good man' and maybe that's a risk she's willing to take.

I'd say it's not what she wants now because she wants a decisive man who wants the same as her and not one who needs to her to break up with him for him to take her seriously or one whose mum thinks it's appropriate to get involved.

She just doesn't want to end up like one of the many women who waits years for a proposal only to never get one. And she wants to be married before she has children.

So, yes, I'd say she knows exactly what she wants.

I disagree. Why should a woman have to wait for when the man thinks the time is right? She has done the mature thing and ended it since they want different things.

Lucky escape for that girl - your DH is right. And as for your statement that she might not meet someone else. She might meet someone who is so adult and competent that they can put a roof over their own head. Imagine that.

No, she’s after commitment.
He wasn’t willing to give it to her and called her silly for discussing their future.
Why should she hang around waiting for him to feel ready? If they aren’t on the same page then the relationship isn’t going to work.

To be fair he has had 3 years and showed no urgency or commitment when asked. If left to help s own devices he probably wouldn't ever have asked or it could have been a other 4 years. Fair enough for her to have set a date in her mind and left. She needs someone who wants to get married, not to have to force someone into it.

Surely she also gets to decide when the time is right?

Is she supposed to just hang around indefinitely waiting for a man to decide?

Maybe she isn't scared of being single. Maybe she's just wary of being lumbered with the sort of man women post about on MN every day. Maybe it's nothing to do with a ring and everything to do with her self worth and having agency in her own life.

100% agree. She has made her choice and I wish her well. He needs to buck his ideas up and decide what he wants longterm.

Good for her. Taking charge of her life and not waiting around. 3 years was plenty of time to know how you feel.

Edited to say - stay out of it!

Stay out of it. He’ll get over it. You interfering will make it 10 times worse. 😳

This.

If he had been with her for 3 years, he adored her and he’s 30, not a teenager, what was he waiting for? A sign from God?

I wonder if he didn’t want to commit just in case something better came along. In which case he didn’t adore her enough.

She absolutely knows what she wants. And it’s not a ring as a desperate attempt to keep her. She decided she was done and now suddenly the time is right for him to buy a ring? She sees this correctly as insincere and something that will be thrown back in her face later should she accept.

No. It doesn’t. Only the emotionally immature ones.

And as for her doing it just before Christmas, what was the alternative? Sitting around in an unhappy relationship that didn't serve her just to protect his feelings for a few more weeks?

This way, she has time to regroup before Christmas, have some fun with her friends and be ready to start the New Year on her own terms.

The timing might not have been right for him but it was clearly right for her.

I quite admire her actually.

It is his own fault though. He wouldn't commit to giving her a timeline and vague promises of it happening one day isn't good enough.

So many times women have been strung along by men promising that proposal well into their 30s. She's 27, she clearly wants married before she's 30 so makes sense she decided not to keep waiting.

He's told you about one conversation they had about it. How do you know there wasn't anymore? How do you know he would have proposed anytime soon. Seems like he wasn't even getting ready to propose and she could have been waiting years and years. She made the right decision.

Your son obviously felt like he held all the cards and expected her to keep waiting. Why didn't her start seriously start planning to propose when he saw how upset she was? The relationship was probably over for her as soon as he decided not to commit to a timeline.

Hopefully he's learnt a valuable lesson this time. Maybe she doesn't find someone quickly, but at least she's no longer wasting her time.

Unfortunately he can't all of a sudden decide he does now want to marry. He's ruined it really. She will only feel like he's doing it to stay in the relationship, not because he actually wants to get married.

Doesn't the "so where are we going" chat put every man off?

Er, no...

I'm engaged. He made it quite clear to me within the first 6 months of the relationship what he wanted - he was the one who initiated the "where are we going?' chat.

We were engaged after 2 years although that was just a formality. It was already on the cards long before then.

YABU to say she’s tsking a risk at 27

27 is young but by your logic, she’s taking a risk by letting him string her along