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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DH was more amenable to people just dropping by or staying over?

129 replies

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 18:29

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

OP posts:
AwfullyGood · 15/12/2025 18:32

How often is now and again because that makes a huge difference?

Twice a year or twice a week?

Mooninjune · 15/12/2025 18:33

My sympathy is with your DH.

TwistedWonder · 15/12/2025 18:36

I’m with your DH I’m afraid. Not rigid and formal but I actually think it’s rude to turn up unannounced or at very short notice.

TinselTitts · 15/12/2025 18:36

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

I wouldn't be thankful for someone making an effort to see me at short notice, as I'm like your husband in that I don't really like people just dropping by (or staying overnight).

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

The 'formal invitation' is a bit silly here. I just prefer to know in advance.

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 15/12/2025 18:36

Hard to vote (so haven’t yet) unless you tell us how frequently this happens, but I’m probably closer to your DH on this

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 18:39

Team DH. Don't just drop on by without an invitation. Rude AF. And hell to the no with staying on my sofa after a night out.

Maybe you should live separately if you need company so much.

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/12/2025 18:41

I feel I already know how this will go for you OP. There's a lot of very uptight people around these parts 😂

The ideal would be to meet your DH somewhere in the middle, but there's no harm in letting your likely visitors know you'd like a bit of notice, surely.

I'm one of the measley 14% btw.

tripleginandtonic · 15/12/2025 18:41

Yanbu. But where i live calling on someone without an invite isn't seen as a cardinal sin. If its not convenient then that's what's said and a visit can be arranged for another time on the doorstep

Cricketashes · 15/12/2025 18:42

God no to unannounced visits and staying over. That's my worst nightmare.

Winterwonderwhy · 15/12/2025 18:42

Team dh. I loathe this popping by. Luckily no one I know would do this.

StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 15/12/2025 18:42

This won't go well on MN, where people don't answer their door unless they have been given at least 3 week's written notice and agreed to strict terms of visiting. You may arrive at 3pm, but make sure you are gone by 3.45pm.

I love an impromptu get together. YANBU.

Pleatherandlace · 15/12/2025 18:43

I love people coming by but this is mumsnet where it is deemed the 8th deadly sin to ring on a doorbell without three months written notice.

bridgetreilly · 15/12/2025 18:44

You can wish that he were more amenable, but you cannot make him that way. You need to understand that for some people it would be the worst thing imaginable and respect that.

NorwayTruce · 15/12/2025 18:44

To be fair I really struggle with people just turning up unannounced and having to entertain unplanned. Many people do.

Sidebeforeself · 15/12/2025 18:44

Nope sorry , I couldn’t live with you! My home is my haven and I need to be prepared if we are having guests.

Pleatherandlace · 15/12/2025 18:44

Stepawayfrommycrutches you’re welcome any time 😅

AppropriateAdult · 15/12/2025 18:46

I don’t think I’m uptight, but I hate having unexpected visitors - I just don’t feel relaxed if I know people may call without warning. I’m always happy to host guests, and I certainly don’t think a formal invitation is necessary, but just a bit of notice, and a check that it’s actually convenient.

If we’re already socialising with others, though, I’ve no problem with them coming back to the house, or staying over. And I’m always happy to host impromptu cousin sleepovers for the kids.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 15/12/2025 18:46

I agree with your dh. I would hate someone coming over without at least a days notice.

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 18:47

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 18:39

Team DH. Don't just drop on by without an invitation. Rude AF. And hell to the no with staying on my sofa after a night out.

Maybe you should live separately if you need company so much.

This!

NoSoupForU · 15/12/2025 18:48

I really don't like it. My husband doesn't mind, but he comes from a family of dropper inners. I'll go with it to a point, but he understands how much it stresses me so it's few and far between.

KnewYearKnewMe · 15/12/2025 18:49

It’s always interesting to ask these types of questions.

im team DH but I can see that you’d like it to be different which is fair too.

is there an age/demographic/region split, I wonder?

my only friend who loves company at any time and with any or no planning is Irish..
not sure if that has anything to do with it at all though!

SpottyAardvark · 15/12/2025 18:49

I’m team DH. My home is my sanctuary from the world, and if the world wants to enter, it must do so by prior arrangement. I don’t just turn up on people’s doorstep. That would be rude, inconsiderate & disrespectful. And I ask that they show the same consideration to me.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 15/12/2025 18:49

I understand both sides but the staying over… only my absolute best friends would I want doing this. Also who would rather stay on a sofa than just get an Uber home?

WhatNoRaisins · 15/12/2025 18:51

I don't think either of you are wrong about this, it's a morally neutral preference but I can see how it's a problem when you're a couple with different preferences here.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 15/12/2025 18:53

I do think this depends very much on what kind of home, family and culture you were raised in. I am quite happy to have folks drop in at short notice, but I'm also comfortable saying No if it is not convenient. If you struggle to say No (when you really don't want company), then it is harder. Folks staying over - I'm very happy to have folks stay over, but I do like to know in advance (a few days is fine). Again, I've also learned to say No if I am not excited about having guests at that time for whatever reason. I think there is a happy medium here - as long as you (and your partner) are happy saying No if it doesn't work for whatever reason, then it should be fine.