To wish DH was more amenable to people just dropping by or staying over?

[Chinsupmeloves]

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

You aren’t just being unreasonable, you are being obnoxious. A home is a sanctuary where a person can truly relax. It is the one place in the world that you don’t have to deal with random people. If your husband wants to maintain that, you are being completely unfair to pressure him to change.

Team DH here.

I am more like your DH but I wish I could be more relaxed but I get so anxious if my house isn’t perfect or I don’t have a range of biscuits/drinks/snacks etc, I don’t know why I am like this as my mum & gran always have a stream of people coming and going and can easily produce a dinner for an extra 10 people at a moments notice!

I'm with your DH mostly. I can cope if it's a once or twice a year thing but family and friends constantly popping in after a stressful day at work or at home with a messy house and 4 kids I couldn't deal with. DH's parent used to pop in sometimes more than once a day and bring pals along at the worst times so I had to set some boundaries. I'm good with family or friends staying over as long as it's planned 😀

I really wish I was as relaxed about visitors as you op, but I’m with your DH on this one. Impromptu visits give me anxiety.

I have to confess to a bit of a blindspot over the issue of unexpected guests. When I was single and living in London, I was very hospitable, happily cooking for friends, colleagues, neighbours and people I got chatting to on the street. I loved having people to stay, and the people who stayed meeting one another under my roof. DH and I got together late. He is like your DH and 'likes his own space'. The penny dropped that I had foolishly assumed the norm is to be super-hospitable, because I knew lots of families in my home town who were and took my cue from them. Too late, I realised it's not the norm and that it's an aspect of compatibility that ideally should be discussed before throwing in your lot with another. It's a terrible word but compromise is the way forward.

Team DH. No way could I manage that

Blimey - someone rattled your cage - how dare you call her obnoxious.

its her home too.

With DD it used to be once a week, we knew Sunday afternoon he would most likely pop by to see GC. Sadly he's passed and I was always happy to see my DD as he was very ill but made the effort.

Now it's every few months friends of mine will come and visit, not be staying over, just coming round not expecting a meal or perfect house, just to see me. They live away and DH knows them well and likes them.

This.

Saying that, I like to know in advance either way since we have three children, two being SEN and a toddler and it’s a hectic time between 3 pm and 4:45 and DH gets off between 5pm - 5:30 (wfh) and wants to make dinner afterwards or pop out and then make dinner and by time he sorts himself, I’m working on being done eating myself so I can get toddler ready for bed time or trying to make my own dinner with toddler attached to me while keeping an ear out for non-verbal autistic oldest and having someone popping by without warning would only make it difficult for me.

Once in a blue moon, I’d understand, several times a month without warning, not a chance.

I have neighbours, friends and in-laws popping in and out all the time and I love spontaneity (and think it’s good for the children too) but crucially we are both on the same page about this. Sadly I don’t think it’s fair to do it if both adults in the family don’t embrace it.
Perhaps you can talk with your husband about what his notice would need to be, and then proactively arrange things with the spontaneous people in your life to fit that notice?

Lol thank you! 😊

Going to stand by this one. If one spouse keeps bringing people into the house and preventing the other from relaxing, the marriage is doomed. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. There is no compromise. She can get her socializing elsewhere with no difficulty. There is no other place in the world he can get quiet.

A key for us is to have a few things in the freezer that can be used to serve a good meal with no notice plus a stock of visitor drinks and snacks always on hand. And we do keep a level of tidiness that I’m not ashamed of people seeing. Would turning these dials help him feel more relaxed about last minute guests?

I’m in your camp. Always been quite spontaneous and would love people to just drop over.

Interesting question, thank you! Yes, my family moved around a lot, different countries, military job, always meeting new people. DH grew up in one small town, hadn't traveled much but has done a lot since. Not sure if relevant but yes, growing up, we would travel a lot to see friends and they us.

Tell that to the men who abandon their families on a regular basis for fishing/golf/cycling/tinkering in the garage

I absolutely hate this too, my sympathy is with your DH.

I was raised in a home of friends dropping by, but these days I do like notice, I would find it stressful otherwise. We have such busy lives, I can’t imagine having the time tbh op! Aren’t you both working? Dc going to school? Busy with parties etc?

I do respect it and so don't do it but I do wish I could!

I am broadly speaking happy to have people visit at short notice or pop by but I would mainly prefer 30 minutes notice to do a quick tidy.

Putting yourself on standby for unexpected guests is unlikely placate your DH. It’s having to be “on” when you don’t feel like it, that’s the difficult part. No amount of stuff in the freezer would help with this

I agree completely, there are certain things you can't compromise on like having children for instance - only one person can get what they want, the other has to settle.
I don't think many people on this thread fully understand this concept and the thread is going to descend into everyone just repeating the same.

I'm with you and @StepAwayFromMyCrutches , but MN is the wrong place to ask this question and get support.

In my world - family and all sorts of friends from different places, different ages, different stages in life - we all like to see each other and don't come to inspect the house or rate the cuisine. We go to see the person, and if someone turns up on the doorstep we pop the kettle on and think 'what a nice surprise'.

but there is a really skewed view on MN towards the 'make and appointment, and even then I might not open my door to you' train of thought, so you aren't going to win this one on here.

#teamdh. However it’s clearly a compatibility issue rather than being right or wrong.

The difficulty for me would be that someone dropping in unexpectedly and wanting to stay for hours/overnight would give me sky high levels of anxiety that would take me a week or more to recover from. I would feel panicked, nauseous and overwhelmed. Yes, I am diagnosed ND. I don’t think it’s fair to do something that would cause that reaction, so I would expect my DP to back me up.

Have you told people not to just drop in?