To wish DH was more amenable to people just dropping by or staying over?

[Chinsupmeloves]

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

It really isn't a case of being desperate for company at all, I value me time! Just to have the option on a these days rare night for friends to come round and crash if they want to, which they don't anyway.

If they live away, why do they have to pop in with such little notice?

Surely visiting you would be part of their actual plan?

To me expecting guests to stay on a sofa feels a bit scuzzy like my student days! I prefer to offer a guest bed, proper bedding, a decent meal etc.

I don't mind people dropping by for a coffee, just don't turn up during my working hours and don't stay for ages. But staying overnight without notice is a no, that's my time to relax, I don't want to be forced to entertain guests whether I'm in the mood or not. That's the kind of thing of stuff we were doing at 20 when we had no responsibilities. So on balance, I'm more on team DH.

I'm.with you. People are always welcome and you take us as you find us. I don't care if the house isn't immaculate - as a host or as a visitor. I just love to see people. I'm northern.
I don't understand people who think it's rude to have someone call round unannounced - it shows that they care about you! If I'm busy, I'll say so, but I'd never want my friends and family to feel that they couldn't ring the doorbell unless by prior arrangement.

I’m 100% team DH here. No one drops in on me, ever.

Thank you and I really am the least obnoxious person you could ever meet! That's the whole point, I love welcoming close family and friends. It's literally a few times a year I would like to feel comfortable to say come my mine, feel free to stay over. I have one particular friend who invites us home, DH is ready with chilled bottles of prosecco, it's lovely 😍 They have an open house 24/7, all visitors welcomed anytime. I couldn't do this but I do think wow how wonderful knowing somewhere you can go and feel the warmth.

My home is my castle (drawbridge and all) and fortunately DH agrees with me. I totally get how you feel and I'm not sure what a compromise would look like.

Mostly yes but sometimes they decide to come and visit the area they've moved away from spontaneously or travelling with work. Xxx

team DH. The only person I’m ok turning up is FIL, he has dementia and he only ever stays for a brew anyway. Sometimes inconvenient but he didn’t judge mess and isn’t a bother. He’s currently able to take busses a visit people but I expect it won’t be for that long.

The OP said that the onus to provide food is one of her husband’s issues, so it seems reasonable to suggest a solution to a problem she’s named.

The main problem with discussions of this topic on MN is the number of misanthropes on here who believe they are only introverts.

Every couple of months is completely reasonable.
He needs to suck it up or make himself scarce.
Men like that can keep the lives of women very small if indulged.

My friend is married to one such man.
She told him it was a deal breaker years ago.
She visits her family on her own, or stays with friends every two months for a full weekend and goes out regularly on her own with friends.

He is a home bird and an introvert.
They are happily married because he accepted she needed to socialise regularly.

Last week, husband had a friend pop in unexpectedly while he was in the area. We ended up all going over to visit my elderly mum. Husband and his friend spent two hours working in her garden, then the friend sat and chatted to my mum for an hour while husband and I had to take a couple of work calls. After we got home, we offered the friend dinner as a thank you for the afternoon and he ended up staying the night.

Zero pressure all round, friends helping each other out. No standing on ceremony, nothing fancy.

@APatternGrammar The main problem with discussions of this topic on MN is the number of misanthropes on here who believe they are only introverts.
There is a huge difference in the meaning between both those terms - to label someone a misanthrope might come back at you.

I know the difference in meaning, that’s why I used the word. I haven’t used it to label any specific person, however.

Thank you all for the responses and I've tried to reply to many of them, didn't expect so many so soon!

To clarify, it's not a case of every day, every week or even every month! When my DF was alive he would knock to drop things off, sometimes have a coffee, unannounced. He had stage 4 cancer but pushed himself to get out and about and see his DC and DGC. For me these moments were cherished and it would be once a week at most. I have a key to my old childhood home so would in and out anytime, was no big deal for me. DH's family never ever visit (live within 5 miles) unless formally invited altogether as a unit, just the way it is.

DH's friends are one group who are all local and meet up regularly and don't tend to pop to each other's. I have local friends who i meet up with outside of the house or we visit each other. My most dear lifelong friends live in different places so when they're in the area I want to invite them round, spend time with us, stay over. I feel uncomfortable when he does an eyeroll, oh so you're going to neglect everything else. No I'm not but indeed a priority is catching up with them. Like the mentioned post meals out, come back as we've got a big house with a meant for guests outdoor seating area and bar. I have done this 3 times in 5 years!

I think the disparity is because he has just the one group who all meet up together but I have different smaller groups. He has openly said he's got enough friends (in his 20s) and has no wish to make more, whereas I've made different friends throughout my life, some from childhood, others I've made bonds with later in life. My opinion is you can click with someone so there is no limit to having people you love in your life.

Guess we're just different and I probably have less or the same amount of close friends in different groups than he does in one big one. Hence the more frequent interactions but they all know each other and have have become friends but it's not a case of a few altogether meetups.

Sorry, I've rambled on! Just trying to justify why I'm more likely open to pop ins than he is. As I said, it's not frequent, mostly several months apart. However this time of year, when our birthdays are as well, they will drop round with presents for me, him and Christmas presents. I endeavour to meet up elsewhere and he won't come. So I just feel it would be nice if he could make the effort because they do, but no, he doesn't want to, even to get his birthday presents.

How do people have the time to have others just drop in daytime work, school. Evening tea, baths, bedtime. Weekends usually have things planned. If someone let's me know in advance I will make time for them but if they just turn up I will most likely be busy. Like if someone turned up now im in pyjamas, towel on my head kids just gone to bed i have a sink of dishes from tea and I'm wrapping presents so stuff spread all around the living room.

People are labelling eachother though and using tropes like Northern, working class, fun/spontaneous versus rigid etc.

It's just a difference in living styles , it's really not that deep.

I am older than the baths and bedtime phase of life. My job is full home based and flexible round life. Husband's is about 70% home based. We are also both on leave since middle of last week, barring the fact that both of us are senior enough that some calls are inescapable. I only wear pyjamas at bed time and I don't care if my house is a bit untidy. Take us as you find us, make yourself at home.
That is how, in my case at least.

Oh yes they do say, usually a couple of weeks, maybe a week before, which is what my DH calls unplanned as it's not set in stone months ahead.

I hate it too so I’m with your DH. I think it’s rude not to tell someone you’ll be turning up. I need to make sure my house is prepared.

But surely the point of this post is having people turn up unannounced, rather than not wanting people visiting at all. So not sure your point is relevant to this…

I can’t work out if the op is allowed to welcome someone in who’s dropped around or invite people back casually once a month or if her dh says absolutely not and grumps out for days after she’s tentatively suggested it. If the first, say it’s my house too and carry on. If the second and he made your dad with stage 4 cancer unwelcome get rid of him.

This, but I think we are in the minority on MN 🤣 I’ve always had an open house, kids straggle in with friends after school, randoms at Christmas, people who missed the last train after a night out on the couch… in our younger days after parties were always at mine.

I grew up with family and my parent’s friends dropping round without warning, anytime. If we were eating, they’d pull up a chair and grab a plate - it was always like this and I found it entirely normal. My DH finds it absolutely bizarre and rude where I find it endearing and comforting.
I love an impromptu get together - the best times are always the unplanned ones!
Tell your DH he needs to lighten up and get over it - life is for living and one day all those people who you love won’t be around, and you’ll reminisce fondly of “that time they popped by”