Page 4 | To wish DH was more amenable to people just dropping by or staying over?

hyggetyggedotorg · 15/12/2025 21:28

For me, it depends entirely who the guest is. My brother & his family, or any of DH’s family - yep, drop in as you wish. Kids having sleepovers at short notice is also fine.

My sisters or, in fact, the rest of my family (parents both dead), no. I need notice to scrub every inch of the house with a toothbrush first.

Crumptes · 15/12/2025 21:28

youalright · 15/12/2025 19:59

How do people have the time to have others just drop in daytime work, school. Evening tea, baths, bedtime. Weekends usually have things planned. If someone let's me know in advance I will make time for them but if they just turn up I will most likely be busy. Like if someone turned up now im in pyjamas, towel on my head kids just gone to bed i have a sink of dishes from tea and I'm wrapping presents so stuff spread all around the living room.

Yes, exactly this. Our weekends are usually tag-teaming to get chores done, do nice things and take the children out places. Very rarely do we have a spare couple of hours where we're just milling round the house. Even telling us before mid-morning would be fine but by lunch we've got our day mapped out. The other thing is we often have other visitors. My husbands' extended family are dropper inners and there have been a few awkward moments where it's just been really bad timing but they've not really taken the (extremely blunt) hint.

blankcanvas3 · 15/12/2025 21:36

People will say you are being unreasonable because MN HATES when people drop by like this, but I quite like it.

Endofyear · 15/12/2025 22:20

I think now and again, I'd expect him to suck it up and put on a welcoming smile, even if he's not feeling it! I have an old friend who lives hours away and has turned up on my doorstep once or twice to surprise me. I'm always thrilled to see her, she's my oldest friend, my kids love her. I'd be very unimpressed if my DH didn't make her welcome, as I would do for his friends. If it was every week, then I think it's unfair but every now and again, I think it's fair to expect him to be flexible.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 15/12/2025 22:36

I’m you in this scenario, but DP’s family are if the “pop in” school. I don’t mind that with even a half hour WA message in advance, but not cold. I teach so have long holidays in the summer, and MIL (who’s retired) would often unexpectedly pop in past of a morning when DP was at work. I would be still pottering around in my pjs, drinking coffee, watching crap daytime telly, or lying in bed with the cat scrolling on my phone. I was never asleep - but tbh a long lie on holiday is fine in my book - but always felt “caught out” to be slobbing about in my jammies with unwashed hair!

I had to get DP to have a word with her, which she was fine with, but then would message him to say she was on her way here, because she didn’t want to disturb me 🤷🏻‍♀️. We’re all good now though.

I don’t mind people staying over but would prefer a bit of notice for fresh bedding on the spare bed etc. Our last cat used to often get in that bed for a nap so it was never “clean” for guests even if it hadn’t been slept in.

justasking111 · 15/12/2025 22:36

I like notice with some people. Others I'm fine with. Family always welcome. If friends were staying unexpectedly I'd have to go food shopping. Our fridge is pretty bare now it's just the two of us. DH likes to shop most days and buy something he fancies eating. He does most of the cooking too .

Dunderheided · 15/12/2025 22:40

I just wish my house were tidy enough to welcome anyone who was passing, and decided to drop in, but it’s not.

Working on it though!

annlee3817 · 15/12/2025 22:42

I come from a family where it is completely normal to just pop by unannounced or at short notice, but would only do that with family as know they're fine with it. Would love to reciprocate, but my DH can't handle it, my parents are great about it and mostly respect it, it does irritate me a bit that everything has to be so planned, but just one of those things 🤷

MakeOrBake · 15/12/2025 23:21

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 19:53

Thank you all for the responses and I've tried to reply to many of them, didn't expect so many so soon!

To clarify, it's not a case of every day, every week or even every month! When my DF was alive he would knock to drop things off, sometimes have a coffee, unannounced. He had stage 4 cancer but pushed himself to get out and about and see his DC and DGC. For me these moments were cherished and it would be once a week at most. I have a key to my old childhood home so would in and out anytime, was no big deal for me. DH's family never ever visit (live within 5 miles) unless formally invited altogether as a unit, just the way it is.

DH's friends are one group who are all local and meet up regularly and don't tend to pop to each other's. I have local friends who i meet up with outside of the house or we visit each other. My most dear lifelong friends live in different places so when they're in the area I want to invite them round, spend time with us, stay over. I feel uncomfortable when he does an eyeroll, oh so you're going to neglect everything else. No I'm not but indeed a priority is catching up with them. Like the mentioned post meals out, come back as we've got a big house with a meant for guests outdoor seating area and bar. I have done this 3 times in 5 years!

I think the disparity is because he has just the one group who all meet up together but I have different smaller groups. He has openly said he's got enough friends (in his 20s) and has no wish to make more, whereas I've made different friends throughout my life, some from childhood, others I've made bonds with later in life. My opinion is you can click with someone so there is no limit to having people you love in your life.

Guess we're just different and I probably have less or the same amount of close friends in different groups than he does in one big one. Hence the more frequent interactions but they all know each other and have have become friends but it's not a case of a few altogether meetups.

Sorry, I've rambled on! Just trying to justify why I'm more likely open to pop ins than he is. As I said, it's not frequent, mostly several months apart. However this time of year, when our birthdays are as well, they will drop round with presents for me, him and Christmas presents. I endeavour to meet up elsewhere and he won't come. So I just feel it would be nice if he could make the effort because they do, but no, he doesn't want to, even to get his birthday presents.

Edited

Oh wow, the more you're describing your situation, the less I think you could be considered unreasonable. Even by mumsnet.com standards! I hate people calling unannounced, but I'm not going to turn them away if they do. Might just encourage we plan first next time. In any case, there's no way it could be considered unannounced to make a plan with a friend 2 weeks in advance. I feel very sad for you as you would clearly love to have a more welcoming home.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but there are some hints here that your DH could be controlling. What does he mean by "oh so you're going to neglect everything else" with the eye roll? What in earth could anyone be neglecting if they host a friend for a few hours every now and then? Is he trying to isolate you from your friends by making it 'wrong' or an 'inconvenience' to see them?

AppropriateAdult · 16/12/2025 12:13

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 20:51

Oh yes they do say, usually a couple of weeks, maybe a week before, which is what my DH calls unplanned as it's not set in stone months ahead.

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Hang on, his complaints are about people visiting with a couple of weeks notice?! That’s not what’s implied in your OP at all, and is obviously totally unreasonable.

DancingFerret · 16/12/2025 12:15

Your poor DH.

FunMustard · 16/12/2025 12:50

I'm with you OP, I'd love it if I had nearby family and friends that would drop round for a cuppa every so often.

We're not like this at all. And if DH were to tell me his dad was popping in, and I had stuff to do, I'd just do it. If they're close enough to drop in unannounced (or with a little announcement!) then they're close enough to be entertained by one or the other while the other cracks on elsewhere.

However - sounds more like your husband is worried he might have to do something himself than anything else.

Hmmmmwineandchocs · 16/12/2025 13:06

My house is always very clean and tidy but I’d still not like people turning up/minimal notice, i like to know so i can be sure to have things like biscuits/crisps available for them to snack on or if needed something for lunch/dinner.
Also to be sure I’m not in my jogging bottoms and slouchy Tshirt 😁

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2025 13:14

Nope. In my head I like the sound of it but would hate it in reality. I need to be psychologically prepared for people to visit. The only exception would be immediate family (like my sisters, though it would be a shock as they live 3600 miles away)! But not if it was my DH’s siblings….

dontmalbeconme · 16/12/2025 13:16

Ponderingwindow · 15/12/2025 19:03

Going to stand by this one. If one spouse keeps bringing people into the house and preventing the other from relaxing, the marriage is doomed. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. There is no compromise. She can get her socializing elsewhere with no difficulty. There is no other place in the world he can get quiet.

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If a spouse is so controlling they don't allow the other person living there the freedom to have guests over when they want they're abusive and controlling tbh.

As always, this is a compomise situation. Neither party should expect to get their own way at the expense of the other person all of the time. I'd say occasional unplanned visitors is fine, but if someone starts making a regular habit of it, you ask them to phone in advance rather than turning up unannounced.

ItsameLuigi · 16/12/2025 13:19

My auntie can call me any time and say she's popping in for a coffee. She's the only person who can though 😂. Its just me and my kids and my auntie has always had a.. lived in home so I don't feel any judgement lol. Anyone else does need an invite / agreement to visit though. I am neurodivergent so maybe that's why .

Tryingtokeepgoing · 16/12/2025 13:26

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 18:29

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

My view is that wanting to see you at short notice is the opposite of making an effort - it's just lazy and self centred. Making some effort would involve planning. If they can't be bothered to even do that I'd assume they didn't really want to see me, valued their time more then they valued mine and were just generally self centred.

Simply texting when they are in the area I would see as rude , and turning up unannounced I'd interpret as the height of bad manners, and would wonder why I mattered so little to them they didn't consider checking if I'd be in!! I'd assume that they had found themselves in the area with some time to kill and thought they'd impose on me to entertain them.

Don't get me wrong, I love having visitors....but unannounced is just so inconsiderate.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/12/2025 13:26

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 20:51

Oh yes they do say, usually a couple of weeks, maybe a week before, which is what my DH calls unplanned as it's not set in stone months ahead.

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I think your DH has a very odd definition of unplanned dropping in.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2025 13:35

Hang on OP your friends ask if they cab swing by, with 1-2 weeks notice, and your husband refuses because its not enough notice? If so that's not OK, it doesn't sound like there is any compromise from him at all, and it's not normal to say to your partner they can't see their own friends in your house

Decisionsdecisions1 · 16/12/2025 13:46

It’s all about reaching a compromise. The end result might not be exactly perfect for any individual but that’s what living with other people involves. If someone wants their own preference all the time then probably best they live alone.

The one thing I feel quite strongly about is recognising that my teen wants to see her friends, that building those bonds is important to her, and I don’t want her to feel lonely or isolated. She’s at an age where she can go out and about during the day without adults but not in the evening. And obvs she doesn’t have a home of her own.

So this does involve compromise on dps part sometimes when he might prefer peace and quiet. He needs to suck it up. He chose to become a parent.

Ineffable23 · 16/12/2025 15:41

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 20:51

Oh yes they do say, usually a couple of weeks, maybe a week before, which is what my DH calls unplanned as it's not set in stone months ahead.

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Now I do think that's really bonkers. Fair enough that some people aren't a fan of visitors with literally no notice but a week of notice is surely plenty?

CurlewKate · 16/12/2025 15:44

Mumsnet will be entirely on your dh’s side. It is one of those weird Mumsnet things. I’m with you, OP!

fantastiq · 16/12/2025 17:37

Chinsupmeloves · 15/12/2025 18:29

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

When my kids were born the in-laws( well just the MIL) tried to start this popping over whenever THEY felt like it. I said no once as I had just got back from the hospital and wanted a day break before visitors and MIL came anyway. Ignored her and she tried to stuff some gift through letterbox. Me and people like that are like oil and water. No respect whatsoever. They like their own way and I honestly feel they just enjoy catching you off guard. I wouldn't even call back to my parents home without a courtesy phone call. It was never an offer of help by the way , just a demand. I want to see the kids and call in whenever I please. Please don't ignore your husband on this.

Soonenough · 16/12/2025 17:46

I found it really strange when I moved to UK at how strict the visitor rules were. And I feel bad now when I remember not knowing and randomly calling to people . And new family didn't give me the heads up that it wasn't the done thing . Loved in the US when dropping by or staying wasn't a big deal . And it isn't in my own house . DH didn't get a say really and just accepted that this is the way it is . Being known for being welcoming and friendly is a good thing most places .

RecordBreakers · 16/12/2025 19:41

Soonenough · 16/12/2025 17:46

I found it really strange when I moved to UK at how strict the visitor rules were. And I feel bad now when I remember not knowing and randomly calling to people . And new family didn't give me the heads up that it wasn't the done thing . Loved in the US when dropping by or staying wasn't a big deal . And it isn't in my own house . DH didn't get a say really and just accepted that this is the way it is . Being known for being welcoming and friendly is a good thing most places .

It isn't a "UK thing".

Many of us like people dropping in, and feel comfortable dropping in on others.
MN is very skewed, compared with my experience of life.