To wish DH was more amenable to people just dropping by or staying over?

[Chinsupmeloves]

I'm the type of person who loves it when family or friends drop by for a visit because they're nearby. Whether a quick text an hour beforehand or simply turning up at the door. The same when going out and wanting to suggest to come back to ours for a nightcap/stay over on the settee.

DH hates anything not planned, it's got to be an arranged time and prepared for, no impromptu turn of events or flexibility.

DC situation of sleepovers at family is so much easier now, we share nieces and nephews staying over, which they love ❤️. My friends who live a distance away usually get their own accommodation or stay with family nearby but when I've invited them to stay he finds it stressful.

No ND or MH reasons (I'm the one with those issues), just his personality. He feels the need to be able to offer top notch food, a perfect house, whereas I'm happy to go with the flow, will do my utmost to clean and prepare etc but then it will get messy and that's fine. Guests are happy to just feel comfortable, as for me as a guest.

Aibr... to hope and expect him to let up a bit and be thankful people want to see us and make the effort to do so, sometimes at short notice?

Aibu...no one should be at our threshold without a formal invitation and prior arrangements?

Of course, it would be inconvenient if it happened all the time, I'm talking about now and again.

The point is, no-one who is dropping in on the off chance, is expecting to be hosted. Put the kettle on, yes, but no-one is expecting snacks or food.

Indeed, I was out pushing Christmas cards through people's letterboxes on Friday - not ringing bells nor particularly expecting anyone to be in - and twice various friends saw me, opened the door and asked me in for a cuppa. The one friend had her PJs on (it was about 3pm) but still wanted me to come in and have a catch up. All very normal because my friends and I don't treat each time we see each other as a formal occasion anyone needs to prepare for but just a chance for a cuppa and a chinwag.

He does!

Yes i believe so too xx

I would hate it too, so on your husband's side.

There are some exceptionally uptight people on here. But it helped me realise that not everyone likes an unexpected visitor….

i love people popping in as long as they take us as they find us. I’d happily text a friend if in their town and see if I can pop in. My DH wouldn’t bother texting and would just knock…I think that’s a bit rude these days and you need to give people a heads up. Of the 2 of us I’m more uptight….

yeah, compromise….is the way to go.

Perhaps it depends on what one thinks a home is for. Some might think that what makes a home a home is the offering of hospitality, generosity and sofas.

In that case, he’s not permitting her to be herself in her own home. Actually, he’s not allowing it to be a home in the way she would like. And, unless she plans to have guests seven days a week, he could compromise, a few days here and there.

It’s, as you say, an incompatibility. No one’s at fault for their way of being. But he may be at fault for not accepting that the OP gets to act as she wishes at least some of the time.

Incidentally, I tend toward the husband’s attitude. My OH is more like the OP. But once people are actually here, I go into host mode, and enjoy it. And even when I don’t, I pretend to, because none of this is the guests’ fault.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Couldn’t live with the idea of people popping by at any moment, I’d be permanently on edge.

I’m with your DH, I hate it when people turn up unannounced and I don’t like people staying over at our house, I like my own space and my daily routine. People should call and ask if they can visit, at least a day in advance and there are plenty of places to stay locally. I hate staying at other people’s places too, that’s just me and the person I am.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you just both have opposite opinions on this one.

This man is asking for a minimum week's notice. How any can think this is normal is beyond me.

Same. I would hate this. I want it all planned in advance with plenty of notice and no more than a few times a year pls. That’s plenty!
Absolutely have people staying over. Can never relax in my own house.

I was like you, until I got married. My husband is a selective hoarder and I find it overwhelming. I adore him, and part of this is me accepting things won’t be perfect (because I’m a bit jazz myself with stuff and housework). But, sometimes he announces he has invited 10-24 people over, at short notice, like the time he invited his whole extended family over for dinner with a days notice (and said let us know if you want to stay) . I was beside myself. Husband will “help prepare” , but it’s me making sure bathroom is sparkling, crap cleared from guest rooms, and basic organisation is happening throughout the house. House is never guest ready due to husband having too much stuff everywhere.

I’m so not a fussy clean freak, and happy for a relative or friend to drop in anytime because they know and love us, but several people, it immediately delegates huge amounts of work to me. I do all cooking and cleaning up from that as well, because husband is the consummate “host”. I still love him but despite the numerous conversations about this issue, it is what it is. He is getting a bit better at checking first.

I'm with your husband 🙂 it would bother me that your just expecting him to be happy about it would you like it if he bought random mates over all the time?

I’m with your dh, and it would be a relationship dealbreaker for me at a very early stage.

Neither is wrong, but imo it’s completely incompatible.

I am more than happy with the popping in and people coming back after a night out but I draw the line at people staying over. I absolutely hate people staying over. I can deal with family staying for a max of 2 nights but I wouldn’t have friends to stay and I don’t really like the kids having people to stay although I appreciate it has to happen on occasion

MN has a huge percentage of introverts and the anti social, there is a huge difference between those groups but the outcome is similar, you are on a hiding to nothing op on here. I’m fine with people dropping in with no notice and always have been at all stages of my life though want notice for an overnight stay. DH grew up in a house with parents with the same attitude as your DH, he is the opposite and is fine with drop ins just like me. I reached peak my home is your home when a student came back with me for a week whose housing had fallen through. It’s always been open house here, we live close to the school so it became where kids came as teens after school. You are just incompatible in this aspect, need a compromise.

@thenletskeepdancing what your DH is doing is totally unacceptable and even my very social self wouldn’t be having that.

I’m with your DH but I wish I was more relaxed about it

Everyone’s busy in their everyday lives so no one really has a great deal of time to go over to see other people that often.

That’s why we find it a privilege for someone to think of us and take the time out to see us, in advance or impromptu. That’s also why we’ve managed to stay in touch with our large extended family and our friends. If you can be relaxed about not needing everything to be perfect then it’s really a great way to live.

Every time I read this thread I'm so grateful that I don't live among "just pop in" people.

I'm no antisocial, I love hosting, but it's unfathomable to me in this age of instant messaging that you wouldn't give advance notice. It just makes for better socialising! I don't want to interrupt people who are busy or stressed or having a bath or a nap. Everyone needs a little preparation time to get themselves guest-ready.

I think people need to read the OPs posts. The DH has a definition of unplanned visit that also includes visits that are arranged a week or so in advance. That's not popping in and I think that's him being very controlling.

he's being weird.

Otherwise I am on the fence. I don't care if I don't have "top notch food" or if the house is a mess - it never is to be fair, I don't need to prepare for guests if they come at the last minute.

I can't stand people dropping by because I am busy! I have to cancel or change my existing plans and it's never convenient. If someone has been invited and decide to spend the night, I am less bothered. They'll have to fit in with our plans for the following day, that's all

My kids do it with their friends all the time.

OK in an emergency, but otherwise no visitors without prior arrangement.
How long does it take to make a 'phone call, FFS ?

As long as I can have half an hour notice. I can put up with it. But a genuine pop in nope.

I think there’s maybe 2 people who could walk in anytime maybe. Even the children I’d like a text to say bringing Sophie back after school.

Then I can can make sure those little jobs I’ve been putting off are sorted out fast and a few cans of pop in the fridge.

Definitely team husband.

YABU. It needs both people to be comfortable with things like this, your DH isn't and I think that's important as it's his home too.

What's stopping you from meeting short notice people outside of the house, at a local pub or coffee shop? Or asking people to book things in in advance. I'm like your DH, when we have guests (which I love! love hosting) it's important to me that the house is clean and tidy, we have nice drinks and snacks, candles, etc. as I think it shows appreciation and respect for guests that you've made an effort so they can relax in a nice, calm and cosy environment. I wouldn't mind going to someone's house and it being a mess but it's just my standards for our home.

And I find it extraordinarily rude to just drop by without planning ahead, when you have no idea what people's plans are or what you're intruding on. I especially couldn't be faffed with short notice sleepovers, that's not really something that adults do lol. You wanna make sure a bed is made up with clean sheets and to plan around using the bathroom and so forth.

It doesn't sound like he's trying to stop you seeing people ad hoc so just start going out with people. Or if they try stop by without warning, say you're busy but you'd like to do something next week on a specific day or time. Or if you genuinely want to see them, say great, I'll get my coat, and go for a walk or to the pub.

I’m with your husband. Rude to turn up unannounced / at short notice. If he’s not comfortable with it you need to respect that.