To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

I have friends who have an adult daughter older than yours. She treats them the same way.

I'm sorry.

Honestly I think back to young me and I probably wasn’t the easiest daughter- I’d say we all did this and made comments, I only realised it when myself and my brothers and sisters were sitting in a pub talking about all the things our parents did and then I said iI wonder what I’ll get judged on, and now my 17yo makes comments and I think oh ok😅

God I knew everything at that age too. Now I’m nearly 50 I’ve realised I know nothing - and my own adult children also reinforce this with their strident views on everything, about which of course they know everything. I think this is the natural order of the world.

Life will humble her at some point. You sound like an excellent mum.

Tbh it sounds like she's in that transition period of straddling still acting like a child, whilst being an adult and a lot of 'adult' kids revert to this when they're with their parents. In otherwords she still hasn't quite grown up yet. Maybe she'll mature with time.

Why don't you say you can't pay for lunch anymore or just stop suggesting you go out for lunch if you don't think you can face the conversation.

I have no children but have a couple of friends who've told me stuff like this about their sons for years. Sons are now in their 40s but still expect their pensioner (not rich) parents to pay for everything.

I like that you have extrapolated some fairly minor issues with your relationship with your daughter into ‘all young adults are entitled’.

There is a change in dynamic when a child becomes an adult, if you eg don’t want to pay for her, just tell her you can’t afford to.

I don't think the boomer generation realise how difficult things are for young people now. House prices tripling, job security, pensions etc.

I think your 20s are when you evaluate your childhood and (think) you are looking at it from the eyes of an adult. And it's always very easy to look back and criticise, especially when you don't have children (possibly yet).

My DSD was quite critical of me and DH and her upbringing in her mid to late twenties. DH was 18 when she was born and we got together when she was 2. Now in her mid 30s, she has 2 young children under 4 and she'll make comments that makes me think she's realised how difficult it actually can be.

Your dd will gain perspective as she gets older and will judge you less harshly. I did the same with my parents. Now I have adult children myself I can see that my parents were just doing their best at a really young age.

Never known an adult child (inc. myself) who did not go through this phase.

I think it’s neither / both.

I just think how your daughter is is how many women become with their mums. I dunno - when I was in my 20s my mum became so annoying! DSiL same with DMiL.

I think it’s a phase in the evolution of a relationship between mother and daughter. i’m sure it’ll pass.

Read that old poem ‘they f~ you up your mum and dad’, summarises it perfectly

Thanks.

I have adukt sons in their early 20s. I'd say they're more self sufficient and less selfish than I was at their age. I was working FT and phoning my mum to find out what was for dinner! She collected me from the station and made my packed lunch, did my laundry.

I've never had a problem with the way they parented. They were quite strict despite mum doing everything for us, but my sister did/does.

I don't know what my own sons think about how they were brought up they do much more around the house than I ever did.

Maybe it's a girl thing, rather than a generation thing?

I don't know but I suspect OP may be gen x and MIL boomer.

I'm over a decade into gen X and my eldest is in 20s.

See it a bit with eldest but think it's normal in 20s TBH.

I think it is the age - my dd also in her 20's also expects me to pay for everything and never offers. I am out at theatre with her this week (I've paid for the tickets) and we are eating beforehand. I think I might ask her to pay half and see how she reacts as an experiment!

I have two DC who are mid twenties now and I was a single parent. They absolutely do not behave as you describe.

I think your DD sounds rude and entitled but you are wrong to extrapolate that to most people that age. She is her own person.

I’m a bit torn on this. I recognise some of the things you say with my own adult DD; the lack of gratitude and effort at times. But I think you set the standards/ expectations and then you manage it. My parents have never let my siblings or me (including our families) pay for meals or similar. We always offered and were incredibly grateful but my dad was a proud man and would almost take offence at us paying. With my own, I prefer to pay but there have been many occasions when I’ve told her I can’t afford to pay for us both. I say it when making plans so then there’s no issue when we’re actually out. Could you do that @Lamentingalways?

I blame it on the unaffordability of housing.

Many young adults are trapped in perpetual childhood because they can't afford to leave home.
Also the problem of those who were encouraged to go to university and take on large debts. They were sold a lie, the number of graduates far exceeds the number of graduate jobs.

I doubt op is a boomer if her daughter is in her 20s and op had her young. I also don't think the younger generation have any clue how hard life was for boomers/gen x either. They just look at what boomers have now without seeing the decades of hardship and sacrifice they endured. Anyway your point is irrelevant because however hard life is for op's daughter that doesn't entitle her to be shitty with her mum.

I don’t recognise this at all in my adult children. Maybe it’s the expectations I set with them🤷‍♂️

We realise it very well thank you. We also realise that good manners and gratitude cost nothing.

My dd is almost 22, she still lives at home (after going to uni). She is very much like this too, expects me to pay for everything, if we grab food whilst out she would never offer to pay. For this reason I charge her more keep to cover the costs of eating out (we eat out often, not fancy meals but coffee shop or cheap restaurant type places). My dd is very tight with money, she has spent the bare minimum on Christmas and has bought me a pair of socks (that I asked for), and says she isn’t buying her dad anything. She’s pretty ungrateful at times and in the past has moaned about her up bringing.me and her dad split when she was 11 but she’s not had a hard upbringing.
I was 21 when I had DD, I can’t imagine my dd managing with a child or any kind of major responsibility.

But I think you set the standards/ expectations and then you manage it.

I think this - sometime it needs better communication.

DC all know cards and presents are expected started buying them as teens with given money though got told on here by a mother with young kids that was terrible teahcing them presnt giving is reciprocal. It means they left for uni but send cards/gifts to DGP and us and siblings - not as much as they still get - but no-one gets upset with them. They are ND and can msis things - but I was still a bloody terrible mother for teaching them this . I also taught them to say thank you to people going beyond bare minimum.

Some of it's that Mark Twain style quote (don't think he actually said it)

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

I assume your younger DCs are her half-siblings?
How long was it just you and her? How old when step dad and siblings came along?

I think this is pretty normal in your 20s? i look back to my 20s (and 30s); I lived at home til 23 (when not at uni) and my mum did my laundry, cooked my meals etc. I paid a bit of rent when I started work, but not much. My parents' house was always somewhere I expected to be able to pop into - it never occurred to me that it might be inconvenient for them, and even in my 30s I remember feeling a bit put out if they weren't there! They always paid if we went somewhere with them - I think this is only just beginning to change with some of their children 😂They invited us round for meals and we went. Again, it didn't really begin to be reciprocated til much later. I think we were also quite critical of their parenting in our 20s.

I think my kids are actually much more independent and thoughtful than I was, and they do pay for things themselves. But if we took them out for a meal (we don't do it much!) we'd pay. But it's still a massive adjustment period for kids, becoming independent and having to pay for everything themselves. And they're obviously not going to be massively well paid at first. I really don't think it's a 'kids these days' thing, just a period of transition

I am the youngest of 3 all in our early 40s and am the only one who has changed the relationship with my parents. I like to treat them now and appreciate all they do. One sibling still makes Dad pay on Father’s Day when they meet up! It’s really sad but some people are just not nice.