To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

Putting aside expectations for you to always pay which is unreasonable if true, I think it’s likely that you are minimising your shortcomings as her parent to get the responses you want from this post. You seem to want your daughter to be grateful for fairly basic expectations of anyone who raises a child (like food, shelter, laundry, taking her to school and going on holiday - which I’m sure you chose, booked and enjoyed yourself). You have listed things you haven’t done like smoking and drinking a lot as a positive, this is normal and irrelevant to your daughter, also comparing your situation to worse off families isn’t the way to give yourself a pat on the back. When you become a mother you see your childhood through a different lens, and if it wasn’t good it’s very hard to come to terms with how easy it is to not to resort to toxic behaviors. I personally feel sick to death of the stupid old troupe ‘you will understand when you become a parent’. It’s not about parenting being easy either, it’s hard but it is ridiculously easy to keep your temper in check and treat your children with the love and respect they absolutely should be entitled to. I think you’ve glossed over issues using language like ‘it was seriously small’ and ‘I got annoyed’ the resentment hasn’t come from nowhere and it’s likely to get worse if your daughter has her own family eventually.

What’s that got to do with anything the OP has written about? Using ‘boomer generation’ is also really offensive and unnecessary.

I dont see why people have to keep going out for lunch and meals all the time.
Op can't you see your daughter and cook for each other or make some sandwiches for example.

YANBU except for the paying thing - it isn't unusual that if you invite someone else to do an activity with you, then you are also offering to pay unless that is discussed beforehand, especially if you are wealthier than they are (you may not actually be now, but growing up you were richer than she was). The tit-for-tat is when they then invite you to do something else later (hence annoyed Mumsnet threads about people who treated a friend to expensive tickets but only gets free walks in the park in return).
Possibly more relevantly, you and your daughter are also starting from a position where for years you paid for everything you did together because she was a child, and presumably you still pay for your younger children's activities, so it has probably never occurred to her to question this - she might well check in or offer to pay with her friends or in-laws but "Mum just covers things" has never been challenged as an assumption - have you ever said "your turn next time" or similar to her, to make her think?

Gen X with a 25 year old.

They are the product of the upbringing we gave them. And yes, it is galling to hear some of the gripes, considering how minor they are. But then, that was kind of the point of what DH & I were trying to do. Making sure he didn’t have the sort of pain in his childhood that we did.

At the same time, I waited futilely for 40 years for a simple “I’m sorry” that never came. So while his criticism may seem overblown to my “pain scale”, I don’t hold back with a full throated “I’m sorry” where I genuinely mean it.

And … after all these years, I think my parents were trying to do for us what DH & I have tired to do for DS. Possibly that just what generation after generation has tried to do and we all pass through the stage of having recriminations, and then being on the wrong side of them. If lucky enough, being able to snicker quietly as we watch our offspring getting an earful from their own kids. 😬

I'm technically a boomer and have DC of 27 and 29 born when I was 37 and 39.
I don't think 37 was unusually old to have children in the 90s. Most of my friends were around the same age.

See mine were born when I was 20 and 23 also in the 90s ( and I was older than many people I knew) I had a grandchild at 37 lol.

Definitely not a boomer ( that's my mums generation) but not sure what " category" in in ( b71,,)

I bet you don't have school aged kids also like the OP

This feels like a sweeping generalisation to me. As for the paying for things. Have you ever actually asked her to pay for anything or do you always step up first to pay? I ask because it was an ongoing thing with one of my younger siblings but realistically it was my parents fault. They always used to moan that they never paid for anything but they would always jump up first to do it. Similarly if they would call and say they were popping in after work parents would complain and say oh we had to make dinner for x the other night. When actually I’ve heard the conversations myself and they just assume it’s expected, go of there way to offer and then make a big song and dance about it afterwards. When I know for a fact my sibling doesn’t expect any of it. Would you say both transitioned into an Adult-Adult relationship as opposed to
adult-child?

Kids are hard work. No matter our age we are all wired to follow the path of least resistance. It does sort of sound like you could do with a direct conversation about some of the issues, allow her to be honest too. Theres passive and passive aggressive communication going on. Keep blame out of the conversation. Google and probably AI will have loads of advice on how to have a more honest conversation.

I’m not twisting what you said - the post title is “To think adult children are becoming more entitled?”

Not really sure I was ‘spitting venom’ either…!

I never allowed my parents to pay for anything! Now my adult kids do the same for me ! I spoil them and they spoil me in return. You need to speak up !

Stop with the ageism. Also, you're wrong. Boomer = 1946 - 1964 so she's hardly likely to still be doing the school run with younger children.

Is that true? I'm 67 and DC are late 20s, they always offer to pay.
I always try to pay, especially if it's a restaurant meal.
If it's a coffee or snack I accept their offer but if they fork out £100+ for a restaurant meal I feel guilty because I'd rather they spent their money on themselves.

I was self-absorbed in my 20s, not selfish as such but fixed on my own viewpoint only. That changed at 30. I think it is par for the course alot of the time. You can pull her up on it though.

It's a cycle. When you move out and live independently and have children of your own, you gain a much more realistic idea of how much your parents did for you. Before that, it's usual to compare your shortcomings or misfortunes to those around you and, yes, a fair amount gets blamed on your parents.

I think adult children being "delayed" in taking on responsibilities like running a home or parenthood probably doesn't help.

It was only when I had a child of my own that I realised how bloody amazing my mother was/is. Now, having seen her support adult children and care for my ill father, having worked full-time for most of her life and done most of the household and finance stuff, she's my hero. Literally. I can think of very few people who compare to her.

I don't think the younger generation realise that so many parents are made of money nor are their grandparents. We still have to pay our bills and have a basic life too.
My sympathies go out to younger generation but things have changed , not for the better but they have changed. The current generation have not known any different so are having to learn to adapt because they can't do it any other way.
So addressing the MNers who will jump on my comments and say I'm being selfish, because I'm one of the few on here not earning £130k a year with gold plated pension coming to me. Bully for you if you can give your kids wads of cash to help them, I can't afford to. My kids had everything they needed growing up and more besides. I've made it clear I don't want them to have to look after me in old infirm age either. That is being sorted too by me, they don't like it but at least there will be no pressure on them to sort out care etc, funeral plan is sorted too.
My mortgage was paid off years ago but I'm not downsizing from a one bed flat to a tent so I can give my adult kids a few £K each and that's all it will be considering they are a large family combined with adult step kids too.

This.

I'll add that I think most IL issues stem from parent generations treating their adult children's partners like children, in however small ways.

It's up to both sides to handle the change in dynamic well.

Unlikely OP is a 'boomer' considering she has younger children; more likely Gen X (who are marvellous!).

You started a new family and your younger children are your priority. I would imagine that the rift with your DD developed out of that in some way. As you are the adult, it is probably worth looking back a bit more critically at your own actions to see if you have also behaved entitled in how you expected your child to cope with being the ‘child from a previous relationship.’

It can also fuck right off.

Ahh a late20 something childless woman……we all thought we knew how to raise the perfect child back then. All if us had parents who were idiots but luckily we knew everything so would be absolutely perfect

Right up until the point where we actually had to put that utopian view to the test with an actual child
Patience OP, she’ll learn

(But stop putting your hand in your pocket just because she ‘expects’ it. Use your words and stop being so passive)

I recognise exactly what you are saying. It is not exactly contempt but it’s not far off.

It sounds to me like you are being too nice. I have always expected cards and presents, and made it clear from the beginning that if they expect gifts from me - then it would be good manners to offer even a token gift to me.

I think you are turning into a walking cash machine, and it’s just expected. You can let her know she now needs to start paying for x,y and z and maybe then gratitude will follow.

My dd said she found adulting exhausting, so it is slowly dawning on her now.

I do call out snippy comments and tell her quite clearly I expect better.

Remember we allow others to treat us badly we can’t be surprised when they do. Pull her up, be frank and set some boundaries confidently.

You have a 20s child and small kids. Even being an adult she'll be comparing herself with them, not with adults. And you are still in Mum mode, rather than "parent of adult child" mode and are taking it all too personally. Its a tough life stage for all of you.

I think increasingly we are expected to behave like consumers in every aspect of our lives. As a result, some adult children have a consumerist attitude to the childhood their parents provided – it was faulty, so I'm going to exercise my rights and punish my parents. I'm thinking in particular of kids who go no contact, with the proviso, of course, that if their parents were abusive then I understand the wisdom of doing that. But in many cases it seems to be that the parent hasn't measured up to some imaginary standard that they don't even know the terms of. And yes, better education on emotions, boundaries etc has played a large part in this. And better education in these areas is really important. But the consumerist attitude means that there's no give, no nuance, no understanding that parents are often fighting battles their children weren't even aware of. We're expected to provide a review for everything we buy these days and unfortunately some adults are applying that to their parents.

Absolutely not the norm in my experience. My 2 sons always offer to pay. The youngest (19) offered to buy me breakfast yesterday as a thank you for taking him out driving. He works part time around college.

I always offered to pay for things when out with my mum.