To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

@crazycrofter I agree that it’s important to let older teens and young adults “adult” by expecting them to take responsibility for various aspects of their lives. We’re always here for advice if they need it, but managing money, paying bills, getting something repaired if it breaks, etc. are important life skills!

Excluding Covid generations (by which I mean those who were of an age when they were fundamentally developing in that period and scarred by it), in general terms if you molly coddle people as they develop and tell them constantly they are special (when they are not), exceptional (when they are average), remove all competition (because they must not be harmed by losing), spoon feed them entertainment (removing any capacity for imagination to develop and self resiliance) and raise them to believe any criticism is abusive (when it might be perfectly fair), it is totally unsuprising you end up with a pack of fairly unpleasant, entitled, emotionally stunted adults who fall apart with anxiety when they have to face up to the reality of a cold harsh world that doesn't owe you a living.

It's going to take two or three generations to shake this out I think. People like that will transfer this anxiety to their children but probably be less molly coddling because they can't do it. The one after that will probably back lash so it will be the kids of the kids of these kids that start to swing back to more resiliant normality.

What is it you want from your mum though? It seems very precise and yet nebulous at the same time.

Unless there are serious issues you need to understand or prevent having an impact on your own children, why do you need to take her though how X made you feel in 1996, which she may not really remember and you may or may not remember accurately with full context? Do you want her to feel bad about something she can’t change? Does she deserve to feel bad?

I’m 55 and luckily I seem to have escaped this critical scrutiny despite making errors I recall and doubtless errors I don’t recall, but I’ve no doubt that if DD wanted to and was encouraged she, like all of us, could go off on this track. I have a friend who is unhappy with where she is in life and I do sympathise but it’s really tricky when she starts nitpicking at something her 78 year old carer mum has said and how it made her feel and it really is something very innocuous or at worst the kind of slightly annoying thoughtless comment that families come out with all the time.

Parents need to stop treating their adult children - who still live at home - as children. Because they're not children anymore, even though they are YOUR children, they are still adults who are more than capable of doing things for themselves, so they should be:

Paying board
Doing their own washing and ironing
Doing their share of household chores (ie not just cleaning their own room but the rest of the house too, and cooking for everyone on certain days of the week).
Paying for their own expenses such as council tax, car tax, insurance etc, phone bills, their share of the internet and gas/electric etc.

A parents main role is to take an unformed lump of clay - a baby, and moulding them into a fully-rounded, functional, productive adult. Many parents are failing in this regard, and failing miserably in some cases.

I don’t know maybe an acknowledgement that growing up with a parent with severe anorexia and who constantly told me I wasn’t good/thin enough causing me to drop to five stone at 14 might be a good start. Or maybe when she didn’t call the police when I was sexually assaulted and instead asked why I’d gotten a taxi, or maybe it was when she refused to acknowledge when I qualified as a lawyer instead wishing to celebrate the end of the summer with my brother. Or maybe when she constantly tells me how much better he is at absolutely everything even though I fled an abusive relationship and had to start my life again two times whilst being stalked and receiving death threats. Instead she just insists none of this really happened and it’s just my spin and I turned out ok. Yes I’m ok now but I wouldn’t give her any credit. So no I won’t be told to just get over it when I didn’t choose to be born but was made to feel everyday I should just be grateful I’m along for the ride.

I’m really sorry that happened to you. You’re not being fair here though. You’ve commented on a post where I’ve promised there have been no huge traumas and that I tried very hard. You didn’t disclose these things that happened to you on your post but then have dropped them when someone has challenged you and asked for clarity on what you would like. I totally understand why you are hurt and scarred but nothing like this has ever happened to my child and if it had I would have dealt with it entirely differently. I’m sorry that you were failed. This isn’t the post for you though, what you are carrying and what you have been through in no way is reflecting of what my child has been through.

Agree, anyone who says they "put food on the table" as if it's something to be praised sets off a huge klaxon in my head.

Totally agree with this. But how do we call it out without being crucified? You've only got to read some of the comments on MN where a mother has posted about raising her voice to her DC and everyone loses their shit at her

She does sound like a shocker. I’m sorry you went though that. It’s a completely different magnitude to the things my friend relates.

It sounds like you’d be banging your head against a brick wall with her. Well done on breaking the chain.

It doesn’t sound like OP has been the kind of mother you were afflicted with though and the critical sniping must be very hurtful.

I’m wondering the same! I’m questioning my parenting so much at the moment it’s unreal. My youngest is currently bombarding me with questions and comments. We’ve watched something together on Netflix and she made approximately 15 comments on every single thing that happened and after 5-6 times (where I couldn’t hear the next line) I really wanted to ask her to stop. But I stopped myself because is this something she will resent me for? Not seeing her? like some of the commenters have said or making her feel like she is an annoyance. But she is being annoying. I’m trying to cook dinner and she will not stop asking me to look at her Lego and demanding my attention. I think people will take that at face value and say ‘she is crying out for your attention’ but she has had my attention since I collected her from school, we’ve chatted, I’ve told her I love her, I’ve watched something under a duvet that she wanted to watch with me, I’ve made suggestions on what she could build with her Lego and I’ve watched her do 300 twirls but because she doesn’t have my undivided attention (impossible, there another child and jobs that need doing) she is not satisfied. I gently told her I would look at her Lego when it is finished and she looked wounded. I don’t want to look at every single thing she does, I did that with the eldest and here we are with her feeling (I think) that maybe I just never quite did enough anyway. I’m not responding to the people that keep making comments like ‘I put food on the table isn’t enough, it’s basic parenting’ because it was a long list of things that I’ve done that they are cherry picking from to make me seem deluded. Actually many parents aren’t doing all those things and was trying to build an honest picture of what I have been like. To be honest they can think what they like, I know I went above and beyond on top of all those things but it was already an essay. It feels like we can’t win. Be firm and protect some of your time and they claim you neglected their needs, give them every minute of your time and they’re entitled and don’t appreciate you.

I get that but my Mum would probably post this on here and say nothing serious happened, so when one person is giving one side it’s hard to say you’re 100% right because yes I do tend to fly off the handle at small stuff, because I’ve been through the big stuff and had to hide my anger so now anything small often causes a quick reaction due to suppressed anger. She would come on her and say ‘nothing happened we always fed her and supported her and she got good grades’ but that all happened despite her not because of her if you see what I mean?

Stop paying for her every time. I had to point out to my adult DCs that they earned good money now ( and I'm now on a pension) so we should take turns buying coffee/snacks (unless it's a birthday or special treat).

She won't understand your parenting of her until she has DC of her own (and she needs your help!)

Probably all DC that age go through a knobhead stage where they think they know everything and you're an idiot. It's like second teenage years.

I’ve been watching another thread on here :
‘If you’re a parent of an adult child who has gone NC with you, do you know why?’
The parents who have spoken out have been dismissed and treated quite brutally - by one poster in particular.
There is a big difference between abusive parents and imperfect parents. Many young adults today are very well versed in therapy speak - I like that there are names for things like gaslighting etc, however, not every parent is a narcissist (can only be diagnosed by a qualified professional) yet the term is used constantly on MN about parents.
I also think that social media is making some people quite unhinged.

You’ll have to take my word for it or otherwise what is the point of giving advice? I often think people might be lying but I scroll on because then nothing anyone says is worth a jot. Your Mum sounds like a very troubled woman.

I suppose I just saw some things in your post and related to it as a daughter and thought there could be more to it that you can’t see- if you can’t communicate even over not paying anymore then I don’t think you really are as close as you are otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue? Anyway she could just be totally entitled, or it could be a mix, if you sit down and discuss it you’re more likely to get an answer than coming online and saying ‘kids today!’

A friend has shared an unbelievable example of entitlement today, it’s so ridiculous that it’s funny. Her DD’s (21) high school contacted students from her year to say that this is their last chance to purchase school photos from their final school year (2022). The photos are expensive and guess how many her DD wants Mum to buy…20. The total cost is nearly $1,000 apparently!

Her DD can’t understand why she doesn’t want to buy so many. 🤣

I appreciate that. I have said on here that I intend to see her a lot more and suggest she pays etc. I’m not here to bash her at all, or you. I hope your Mum sees what she has done and tries to make amends.

Thank you I didn’t intend to bash you either- I hope you have a lovely Christmas and definitely make her get you a coffee!

Haha I’ll try! You too x

🙈

I think the more you do, the more they expect. I always found the money for school trips (completely unrelated to study 😂) but wonder if I should have said no now and again.

Think about how steps feel when adult children expect their none working parent to pay for everything so that means the step they don't like, talk to or ever thank.does.

I'm sorry but no, I'm reading comments of how hard it is for young adults now? There's also a world of opportunity out there. We bought our first mid terrace house at 25 , worked hard whilst my parents let us stay a few years to save. We did without holidays etc and luxuries.
Even at times I've not had a lot of money in the bank, I would never expect my parents to just pay and assume this, it's extremely rude! & my parents are now quite well off. Although I was brought up on a council estate and I do think having less sometimes brings out the best in people and their values , appreciation of things and being less materialistic for the majority. I'm surprised because as you say she's not been brought up like this.

I’m sorry I don’t understand.

I think it’s possible to give too much attention OP. I was brought up not to be the centre of attention, and when I was around people with children (before I had mine) it grated when people were so distracted and focused on their kids with with me that they couldn’t give me their full attention.

From the start my two played independently. I didn’t play with them, except for board/card games occasionally and I read to them. But they occupied themselves/each other and would never interrupt when guests were round. I think from an early age they learned that their parents/adults had things they needed to do too, so it wasn’t all about them.

They’ve had the odd moan about their childhoods on occasion but they’ve never mentioned feeling neglected. So don’t worry about teaching your Dd some manners - she won’t hold it against you. And we always banned any talking during films!

I've not had this with my adult children yet and also it's not unique. I think we've all heard of entitled 20-somethings, many of us now and also back when we were 20-somethings. I don't it's happening more now, just that we hear more about it, just like I don't think there are more entitled 40 or 50 somethings than ever, and yet the internet seems to full of stories of them.

I think it's part personal temperament, part processing childhood and learning how to communicate at that adult level with parents, part environment including peers and who they're close to (I know I had a few really shitty friends in my 20s that pushed me to be more negative like them), and more. I don't think it's 'generational' - generational theory may be a bit of fun, it's still BS with as much substance as a newspaper horoscope - though age and cognitive development plays a role.

I think one of the things my parents did wisely that I followed was that they never said they 'did their best' or anything remotely similar to it. We all know no one does their best all the time, and the relationship between my father and I (who raised me solo for a long while) improved substantially when he was just open that yeah, he put other things first and he was sorry for the times he did that where it hurt me. It didn't matter that what I was hurt by could be seen as minor or even whether he could remember certain events, it was just enough that he recognised his limitations, that his actions had hurt me, and that my pain was worth acknowledging.

too many everyone gets a prize. too much allowing bad behaviour with gentle parenting bollocks. too many parents think that their children must have some sort of mental health problem and giving it a "D" label of some sort. and what does this achieve. 1 in 4 under 25 on disability benefits.

This is a stat mix-up - 25% of the general population have a disability, most getting no disability benefit. 7% of under 25s get disability benefit.

Both of these are increasing largely from improving healthcare where people survive and live on with disabilities that not long ago would kill someone. The percent of the population with a disability is going to increase as our population ages, as the only thing between any person and them acquiring a disability is time and luck.

I grew up at a time and place where parents largely self-medicated their mental health problems with alcohol or other drugs, though some got prescriptions that songs were written about - 'mother's little helpers' and the like. Kids on the other hand were definitely not spared the rod, there was nothing gentle about what was going on, and even with repeated assessments usually done by schools, they would rarely be told any 'D label' unless it required medication or hospitalisation. It was considered 'limiting' and that our parents and schools just needed to be harder on us. Having seen my kids far better supported than I was, and not make the same painful mistakes I made because they have that support, know more about themselves, and accept themselves (unlike me, I hated myself at their ages and constantly pushing myself way too hard to make up for everything I'd been was a flaw I should have overcome by now), I don't think the outcome is so bad even with some of them being entitled. It's absolutely not lead to disability benefits in under 25s growing as high as some media outlets would have you believe.