To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

i doubt if the OP
is boomer generation. more
X

My children aren’t like this. At all. I think you need to put her right the next time she criticises you or she’ll keep on doing it.

The point I was making is that generations are a produce of their environment AND their own parenting.

The war years probably referenced more often because they are a very clear example of this because of the extremis involved - poverty, struggle, rationing, death in combat, bombing. That generation were very 'make do and mend' and also set very much on working hard to attain financial security - so they tended to pass it on to their children.

The Gen Z lot are the product of the first generation that had it much easier than others - the benefit of boom time, wealth of the 80s, plus computerisation and the internet but without the evils of social media when growing up.

Add to this social media which is all about fame and success without any attainment and you have a recipe for entitlement.

Their kids are going to be even worse.

Edit to add: there has also been a change in parenting culture - all children should be raised to believe they are 'special' and not criticised, challenged or exposed to real competition. No one knows who is 'top of the form' because it might make others feel stupid. There is something to be said for not belittling children, but raising them all to believe there is no competition, that no effort is required to attain anything worthwhile or that they are all perfect precious little darlings when they are being rude or failing because they aren't trying hard at all, doesn't help anyone develop good character.

I suppose in the case of my late husband's children, part of it might have been that they didn't see the interaction with an older generation - three of their grandparents died before they were born and the fourth when they were very young.

One of the best things about being an adult is saying, "I'll pay for these drinks/meals out" to a parent.

Does she feel hard done by as you sound as if you have started a whole new family, if you are doing school runs still and there is step dad in the picture?

OP says she is in her 50s, far from being the boomer generation.

And even if she was, what has the cost of living got to do with showing some gratitude when people give you things or buy you meals!

I bet this from one adult child ....older than yours though
Makes me feel rubbish sometimes with the negative 'jokes ' that I don't find funny

To be quite honest with you, I think my own mother could have written this post about me when I was in my 20s. I was pretty selfish and thoughtless... I like to think I'm better now... (or at least I try... I have to keep reminding myself.) Is it a generational thing, is it a natural phase of life, is it just a personality thing, I don't know.

The thing with the always expecting you to pay - I had conversations with my friends about this when we were in our 20s... basically, it can be weird moving from a dynamic where you're a child and your parents pay for everything, to being a student, and they still pay for everything because you're skint, to getting your first job but they still pay for everything because it's entry level so you're still skint, to actually not being skint anymore so really you ought to start paying your share, but it's not necessarily a natural or obvious transition for everyone, especially when that dynamic has been going on a while. I know some people whose parents still insist on paying for everything, and some where their parents made it explicit that they expect their children to go halves with them on meals etc... I know you said you don't want advice, but honestly I think in this specific case it wouldn't hurt to be explicit and say "OK we'll meet for lunch, but I'd like to start going halves on the meal now, because to be honest I'm not minted and you're a working adult now" or however you want to word it, because it's probably not malice, but just force of habit.

Yeah I also wondered this. If her mum is running around looking after much younger (half) siblings without much time for her older daughter and grandchildren, then her daughter probably does feel a bit hard done by and upset.

I don’t recognise this in my children but have heard similar stories from plenty of colleagues and friends. I think it depends on what you expect from them. If their wants, needs and desires have been prioritised as more important than yours in every situation for their entire life why would they think it was any different once they were an adult?

I'm now retired, but I recall being horrified at the attitude of teenagers with regard to money. I'd often hear "My mum won't give me any more money, so I'll just ask my gran."

This was an area with 'multiple indicators of deprivation' When I pointed out that it was unkind to seek money from a pensioner, it would be 'My gran always has plenty of money!'

I can assure you that these working class grannies certainly did not.

I recall one boy deliberately breaking his phone 'to get a new one'. When I protested it was 'It's insured!'

Maybe the problem is that adults don't want children to be frightened, so they don't share money worries with them?

YABU. You complain about her, yet you seem to think that doing the minimum as a parent is worthy of congratulation. I would imagine that she is picking up on that.

Im assuming they dont have children? That will change things again. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to tell her this upsets you.

My brother acts like our parents were terrible and our upbringing was boarderline neglectful. It wasn't....
My brother will say things like, we never had enough food in the house.. we did.

A lot of this happened when my brother started therapy and was basically told 'everything is your parents fault'... he has since paid for ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia tests... all positive (he paid for them... which I believe mean you pay for the diagnosis not the test). And he blames my parents for not knowing and treating accordingly. His neglectful childhood and list of diagnoses means he can't (won't) work.

It's all totally batshit and self indulgent imo.

I have two boys in their early-mid 20s and I honestly haven’t had any entitlement issues from them at all. Maybe I have been particularly lucky, I can’t compare to friends kids as I’d never ask them and they’ve never said.

I doubt if having children will change anything. Parents who are bullied by their adult children become even more afraid to challenge them if they think they might be deprived of contact with their grandchildren.

My adult DC typically treat me well.
Don't get me wrong, some of it resonates, the acting like I'm stupid thing and being critical, which they do occasionally stray towards. However, I will have none of it, and make it as clear to them as I would to anyone else who criticised me or tried to belittle me that it's not on.
Its really important they see me as a person, just like everyone else they know, and just as entitled to be treated with consideration and respect, rather than a mum machine with no feelings that can be treated as they chose. And I'm not afraid to be stand firm on that.
So, to answer your question, I think people of any generation can be as entitled as you allow them to be. Some parents tolerate very poor treatment, jumping through hoops to please their children because they're frightened of the consequences of displeasing them.
Unfortunately this isn't helpful as it becomes a viscious circle of tolerance of disrespect leading to further loss of respect. The only way to break it being to take the risk, stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries.

I have twins in their early twenties.

both are skint so I pay for meals out etc. I am very happy on the odd occasion one buys me coffee or the like.

however one is much more self obsessed and me me me than the other. It’s very noticeable.

she does seem to be growing out of it a bit.

(btw, I am 48 and gen X My own mum is a boomer!)

I never criticise my mum’s parenting although I expect I did in my early twenties. It’s a lot easier before you actually do it.

It is typically a sign of immaturity to think that people who are more successful than you have gained that success because they were luckier - "better" parents, more affluent, better educated, better looking, more luck in the gene pool lottery. So they prefer to believe they are owed something (often by you, the parent, but sometimes society in general) instead of just looking at themselves honestly in the mirror.

Young people eventually mature, at different rates, and realise that if they keep plugging away at life with dogged determination, success will come.

Wait until she's had a crack at parenting, single or otherwise, whilst building a career. She'll probably have a different perspective then and hopefully be more appreciative of what you've done for her.

I started paying a mortgage at 23 and my mother would say every time I visited "if there's anything you want just ask". After a few years she stopped saying it because I never had need to ask. I worked, paid for the important things, went without if I couldn't afford it, supported a lazy husband for 13 years and nearly 35 years later I've got savings, mortgage paid off, debt free and still haven't asked for help or hand outs. I never expected my parents to bail me out for lifestyle choices.

Why are you talking about boomers? OP sounds late 40s / early 50s. And why does that mean that OP’s daughter gets to be condescending and entitled?

YANBU! 💐

And I think the younger generation don’t realise how much we boomer generation pay out for them.
So far my children have been supported through university, had paid for driving lessons and first cars. Had deposits for rentals and then a deposit to buy their first property.
Neither I nor any of my boomer friends received any of this, but we have all done it for our children.
Back to the op; my children are more appreciative than your daughter, but the expectation that we will pay is there. The most annoying thing is that they still think they are hard done to, even though they have a much better life, yes even with the massive increase in house prices.

Same here, I have a 20-something and I'm 51 so definitely not a boomer. I don't disagree it's harder for our kids than it was for us but it wasn't that easy for us to get on the housing ladder, no final salary pension for me, and certainly no job security.