To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

Crikey.

I’m an older Gen X and my DS is 34. He left home to live with his GF and go to uni at 18. I’ve helped him a bit, give fairly generous presents and DGS spends a few days with me during the summer, but he expects nothing at all, and never has.

My DSS is 19 and although he hasn’t moved out yet is polite, helpful, generous and has a brilliant work ethic (his room is a disaster area, but hey, no-one is perfect).

Similar story amongst the other young people belonging to my friends, siblings and in-laws.

Spot on.

So what age is boomer generation? This lady sounds like she’s about 50?

I agree that setting expectations makes the difference.

I know some young adults who do seem to have this attitude towards their parents and others who don’t. It does seem to rest on what their parents sets out as their expectations- being respectful towards family members, paying your way with friends and family, etc. (or at least offering to).

I think a lot of people now in their twenties were brought up quite coddled in a sense - everything revolved around them and very low demand expectations in terms of behaviour and maturity levels.

They're then not making the transition when they themselves are adults, because they haven't been taught consideration and occasionally putting others first - they're still centre of the universe in their heads.

It reminds me of the pilot episode of Girls, where Hannah, a twenty-something woman, is appalled when her parents take her out to dinner to explain to her that they'll no longer be financially supporting her life in New York.
There's a reddit sub and a lot of late teens/early twenties are watching it for the first time, and all side with Hannah and think her parents are dreadfully unreasonable - whereas at the time the scene was meant to illustrate what a self-absorbed brat she was.

I didn’t call her a boomer? I have no idea how old she is.

My Dc have never been like this. They are caring and appreciative and take care not to be demanding. I offer lots of help that they refuse.

If Karma was real they would be horrible to me as I was to my parents in my 20s and much of my 30s. Thinking I knew it all, disdain for their views etc.

But luckily they didn't cut me off, I grew out of it and we had a great time in the last 40 years of their lives.

OP - there might be some comet tail of your dd watching you develop a new relationship with a man Not-Her-Dad and watching you build a two parent family with him with younger children. However hard you try I don't think this process can ever be without some lasting effect. She might feel that after those years of you and her, she is now outside your nuclear family.

try not to take it all too personally, I am guessing that as she matures some more she will develop a new and closer relationship with you.

Stop comparing her dynamic with her MIL with her relationship with you. Bitterness and jealousy will seep out into view and not help at all.

I didn't appreciate how hard parenting was until I had children, even then it wasn't until they got to the teen years that I fully appreciated it. I thought parents should be perfect and get everything right so I don't think that is a new thing.
I have never expected my mum to pay for everything though, even though she generally does even when I try my best to get in first.
My children are late teens now, so not the same age as yours. They will buy me little treats and they are mostly grateful for what I get them.
I do think this is maybe an individual thing with your DD. Interesting that her partner pays when you're out together, maybe she is entitled in general and expects both you and partner to pay for everything.

This is exactly how her post reads to me too. She's minimised her own shortcomings to get the answers she wants from older parents on here. And succeeded!

I dont think OP is a boomer.
Gen X more like.

Then she would be Gen X.
Boomers are older- post war I believe

Not with my children but friends children who still live at home seem.to behave this way but they don't seem to notice.

When young people move out and realise how hard it is to work , keep a home and kids etc then I think it dawns on them.

I get birthday presents and Christmas presents , sometimes no card , sometimes the present is a day late but they are getting better.
If they forgot their Dad's birthday I would remind them but so far they have been very good at remembering.
Sometimes they just don't think , the more you do for them the worse they seem to get.

No idea where boomer comments coming from. The daughter is late 20s and mum had her young so she’s late 40s or 50, firmly Gen X.
I suspect something related to step situation. So she sees you doing for younger 2 not her, not appreciating she’s older and you did same when she was younger.
I’d arrange to see her at no cost places eg walk in park.
Some will be her personality - more glass half empty.
I do think seeing sm doesn’t help and comparisons.
She sounds young for her age and limited life experience, if she’s not got children everyone thinks they’ll do things differently eg mine won’t cry in restaurants or I’ll just crack on with baby in sling and travel/work same as I did before.
I wouldn’t tolerate rudeness or treating you like an idiot.

I see this a lot and it comes down to passive parenting. Eg. Why have you not spelt it out to your daughter that she needs to pay for things, nice to treat her mother sometimes, buy birthday presents etc. She needs to be pulled up on and it and should have been years ago. It is in her best interests and it seems like you are scared of her.

My DDs /hope I’ll pay (because I often do) but are fine if I do say shall we split it. They can be a bit condescending at times but I think it’s an age thing. No card/pressie on your birthday is rude .
Maybe you need to be a bit firmer with your boundaries

@Poodlelove Yes, DD (20) says that she really appreciates us since she went to uni- paying your bills, doing your own washing, etc. isn’t that much fun!

Also, she has friends whose parents aren’t particularly supportive and that makes her realize that although we sometimes make mistakes, we’re on her side.

She does pay for things sometimes…although as we pay her credit card bill, it’s just a nice gesture right now. 🤣

Personally if I could get hold of the twat who came up with Boomer, Gen Z or whatever other silly fuck name they came up with I'd strangle them

It seems to cause nothing but division and I'm sorry to fuck I was born a boomer as I seem to be held accountable for every misfortune any other "generation" has.

Edited sorry totally off thread and yeah my 30 year olds are always telling me how good I had it and how bad they have it despite me trying to do everything for them.

Reading these posts makes me feel I’m not alone. I have an adult daughter (30) who doesn’t seem to be an adult like I was at this age, I don’t get it.

My little old Golf that we share, (she has it more than myself) needs 3 new tyres, so it’s handed back to me. She started banging on about run flat tyres, I said it’s having budget tyres as it’s only a bimble car. She criticised me for not knowing anything about cars, I exploded, I sort out all the cars in our family, service, repairs, insurance, you name it. I booked the car in at my usual garage, asked about run flats and was told their not suitable for my car 😳.

She really pisses me off with her attitude, she’s not the sharpest knife in the block and seems to get dumber as she gets older. Her partner that she lives with isn’t that bright either, a conversation with these two is sooo limited, 🤦‍♀️

Thanks very much. Interesting comments and lots to take on board.

Couple of updates. I’m not a boomer (I did have to Google but I’m firmly Gen X)

Some people have commented that I have made sure to only include things that are considered basics in parenting but I genuinely do believe that I have provided very well in terms if what we did together, how loving I was, how much time I spent at home with my children etc but I suppose you would have to take my word for that and I understand that I’m a stranger on the internet. But for those people I do think if this were a post written by my child and included gripes of my parenting that you would consider them very minor. I don’t want to sound conceited but I’m confident I provided a loving, supportive environment.

The last point about my younger child - this could be something that I need to think about. Perhaps she is resentful but they love one another and actually I do much less with the younger one than I ever did with my eldest because I’m keen to build more resilience and not wrap in cotton wool etc.

I think it might just be the age and I do intend to talk to her when she makes a comment again. She did make a comment once and I immediately apologised if I made her feel that way and explained that I thought it was the best way to act about a certain barrier she had. She said not to worry and that she wasn’t upset about it. Without being too outing if I said what this issue was I could almost guarantee that 90% of people in here would tell me not to worry and that they would have done and said the same thing.

I won’t fall out with her, I don’t even tell my OH I feel this way because I love her to bits and don’t want anyone to think negatively of her (hence my post) In every other way she is wonderful.

I'm not sure this is a generational thing. My sibling is like this, enabled by our parents who are too scared to upset them. Sibling is almost 50!

I find it a bit odd that you don't tell her it's not my turn to pay or words to that effect. That you don't say things like i paid last time.

I also find it odd you don't offer an opinion or 'criticise' Sometimes when you interfere, i don't like that word in this representation but thats the word you used, its about helping your children realise there's a different way of thinking or doing something.

Sounds like you let your child go through life without challenging their thinking.

Maybe that's they she acts so entitled.

I think I was a bit of a dick in my 20s. I wasn't deliberately nasty, but I was self-involved, quite self-righteous and could be pretty thoughtless. I was much nicer as I got older - but I think I only, really, truly 'got it' in terms of understanding what my own parents had done for me when I had my own children.

I said to my kids once, “ I made mistakes, but at least I was there to make them”.

I wonder did she offer once when she had money and you said no and she just assumed that was going to be the norm? I think you need to talk to her about this, it doesn't have to be an argument. 'Listen I think going forward we'll need to split the bills etc. ' My sister is a lot younger than me and I remember for what seems like years our parents would pay her way while I paid mine, she was much much older than I was when she started paying. I think that's because I offered and insisted, whereas my parents never brought the issue up and she just assumed that was the norm. I think you owe it to her to have a conversation.

As for the little things she brings up, you need to put a stop to that. Tell her it's not ok in front of her Dh. Tell her you could tell stories about her that would paint her in a very bad light but you don't out of respect for her and you expect the same in return. Someone wise once said we train people in how we want them to treat us and she obviously sees you as a bit of a pushover.

On a general note absolutely they are entitled. They were raised that way. From the 'everyone gets a medal' events to X factor BS 'anyone can be a star'. Parents move mountains to ease their way through life, praising them for ordinary things and they think the achievements are their own.

I actually think your issue is really different to the OP's. You genuinely seem to dislike your daughter.