To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

So difficult that they’re incapable of saying “thank you”?. I’m not a Boomer, my parents are. I watched them struggle throughout my childhood with no family support and no real safety net. They worked hard for every single thing we had - they were far from perfect but they didn’t have an easy ride either.

I’m Gen X and have also worked very hard for my kids, nothing has been handed to me. I expect my kids will too work hard for their chosen lifestyle.

It's a known problem. Google Gen Z entitlement. Successive generataions are only going to get worse. I think social media is a big part of it - they see people having a lot without much effort. It sets a life tone.

Contrast with the generation who lived through the war. Then they raised their kids with that background of serious struggle. What the kids of the kids of this lot will be like god only knows but not good.

https://nypost.com/2024/09/14/us-news/gen-z-hires-are-easily-offended-and-not-ready-for-workplace-business-leaders/

I find it so odd when parents say 'My child is x y and z' as though they had no hand at all in it! I'm sure if your DD was a nobel prize winner you'd claim some credit?

My 12 year old DD can be rude sometimes but I make sure to pull her up on it. If she was still treating me that way in her 20s I'd be having a very strong word with her.

Why does everyone always have to compare it with wartime/post war years??

Why not compare it with the 60s, 70s, 80s or 90s. Those decades were far better than the 40s and 50s and far better than the noughties or 2010-2020 decade. The 90s in particular was generally thought of as the best decade of the last 50 years or so particularly in terms of finance/jobs and affordable housing costs. The 60s were regarded as good in terms of "freedom" for younger people. Every decade is different. It's simply untrue to say every parent/grandparent had it worse than todays youngsters because many of those parents would have been in their 20's in a "boom" decade.

Just out of interest, as you say you have younger children and have a new partner who is not your daughter's father, how does their upbringing compare to her childhood?

I also wanted to comment on this:

I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to.

These things may seem small to you, but that doesn't mean that they are small to your DD, who at the time would have experienced them with the mind, experience, and complete lack of options available to a child.

I have two DSs in their late 20s and they are not, and never have been like that.
They are kind and considerate and always appreciative of anything and everything from saying thank you for a meal(every time) to showing thanks if we give them anything. If we are out for a meal or whatever they always offer to pay although I almost always say no. I say yes occasionally so as not to patronise them.
I guess they are Gen Z but they don't fit the profile. Maybe it's because we had them both a bit late in life? I always hesitate to take credit for DC behaviour because I know for sure that upbringing s only part of it and nature is the main driver.

My fil still acted like this with his mum when he was in his 50s! We'd be out for a meal and we'd all chip in except him. He expected his pensioner mum to cover his share! I kinda thought it looked gross to expect mummy to pay but blamed her really because she told me he really spoiled him. It was difficult getting him to act like a grown up, when she treated him like a child. I think you're going to have to tell her nicely e.g. we can go halves on lunch, we'll get our own tickets, I'll get these coffees, you can get the next ones (then remind her) etc. She hasn't been told its different now she's an adult. If you don't say anything then she'll be doing it for years!

What's the boomer generation got to do with having adult kids in their 20s?? My eldest two were in their 20s a decade ago and I was born in 1971 so not a boomer. My own mother was though

Nail on the head. Both myself and OH "behaved" respectfully in front of our parents and grandparents. We were both taught how to behave and be respectful to everyone, family or otherwise. We have done the same with our son, who literally everyone tells us is pleasant and respectful, whether neighbours, parents of his friends, flat mates, etc. Children naturally mimmick the behaviour of those around them, pick up good habits etc. I was attracted to my, now DH, of nearly 30 years because he reminded me of my father and grandfather in terms of how he behaved and his respectfulness. As I got to know him, I learned why as his father and grandfather were the same. Basically we both had good role models. When DH came to mine for family meals, he instinctively brought a small gift for my mother, I didn't need to tell him. Our son now does the same when he goes for meals at other people's houses - we didn't need to tell him, he just did it automatically as he saw it at our house as he was growing up! Likewise, we know, like most 20+ year olds, he swears - he's never once sworn in front of us! It's not out of fear, it's out of learned respect. He never heard us swear, so he knows it's not the done thing in front of older people! We were always fully open about money when he was a child, now he's open about his finances as an adult, likewise we are too back to him. Children don't grow up in a vacuum, and yes, parents do need to take responsibility and teach them respect and how to behave as adults if they expect their kids to behave as adults.

My DS is almost 23, left home permanently at 19. If we’re going out for a ‘proper’ meal, whether it’s lunch or dinner then DH and I pay, but it’s lovely when we’re just getting coffee and cake or fast food and DS insists on paying.

Do boomers have school age children?

Just a guess and sorry if it's wrong, but from your post I am assuming that the daughter in question is from a previous relationship and the younger kids are with her stepdad?

I do feel that sometimes there is a particular entitlement from children in her position in blended families - it wouldn't surprise me if, despite being a fully grown adult, she feels a bit hard-done-by because you are still doing so much for your younger children (obviously) and still paying for them (again, obviously!!)...hence the hints about not seeing her enough, not offering to pay/chip in for lunches etc.

Forgive me if I am totally wrong about the dynamic there, but I have seen it quite often on posts here, where the 'first' children feel they are being treated unfairly if they're not getting preferential treatment in certain regards.

OP says she had her eldest young, so it’s unlikely she is a boomer, the youngest of which were born in 1964 so are around 61 now. However there will be Boomers with DC in their twenties.

This all just sounds like the “young people today!” complaining that has gone on since Socrates started it. Nothing new at all. 😄

My sibling and I were brought up very differently. She was the golden princess and I the black sheep. When parents do that they pay the price later. I was an adult child living at home until I was 22 because I was a student. I had to study part time because my parents insisted they could not "keep" me for two years full time education. I had shoes with holes and second hand school uniform which never looked nice. My sister had brand new uniform paid for by my salary, I moved out as soon as I could afford it and never moved back.

Its fair to say that I kept my distance from my family after that if not exactly going no contact.

This just sounds like a list of justifications for not really liking your daughter or actually seeing her all that much tbh.

That doesn’t mean you can be condescending to your mother, and it doesn’t mean you can’t stump up a few pounds for a coffee and a bun occasionally.

She sounds an ungrateful entitled brat that's always on the take.

Don't keep giving and paying.

My daughters are 40 and 41 and both have a dim view of how I parented them....I mirror and identify with much of what OP says.....and now my granddaughters are becoming as entitled to their own negative versions of their childhoods....

None of this excuses treating your parents like shit.

That's the thing - I can imagine my mum writing a thread like this about me and I also have a negative view of how she parented me. She was pretty bad tbh. But she would also think she did better than those around her, and I turned out OK and of course she loves me blah blah. But the reality is she was cold, neglectful, parentified me from a very early age and kicked me out of home aged 18 without any financial help. So I tend to take threads like this with a massive pinch of salt. Two people can view the same situation very differently.

I had my last post withdrawn as I thought better of it.

However this strikes me as being less about money but more about the hurt of having your parenting thrown back in your face.

And children - of any age - who do this to cause pain to their parents know exactly what they are doing and know that their parents are afraid to challenge them.

This is a very similar situation to the one I was in. But I don't know if they do pay the price later. I keep my distance, but I think my parents just pretend to themselves that everything was and is absolutely fine and dandy.

The '90s boom only covered some parts of the UK. The reality was somewhat different in many areas.

You’re twisting what I’ve said. I asked if anyone else thinks this and even said it might not be the right word and used a question mark to make it clear I wanted opinions. You just wanted to spit some venom for some reason. I don’t think I spoke about my daughter particularly badly to be honest and was very careful to be honest and make it clear I loved her. The thread has to have a title for goodness sake.

I was horrendous at that age and I definitely hadn't been spoiled or brought up that way. I was just self entitled and thought I was better than a lot of people but genuinely didn't realise how bad I was until a good friend of mine gave me some harsh truths when I was about to turn 40.
Self realisation, self analysis, self reflection are all lessons we have to learn in life and, like everything else, some learn early, some learn late and some, sad to say, never learn at all. My own children are each as different as chalk and cheese in these respects even though they were all brought up with exactly the same values and rules and expectations.