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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband always moaning when I go to work

137 replies

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:04

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

OP posts:

Justlostmybagel · 15/12/2025 05:08

No, you're not unreasonable. He sounds like a useless wanker.

Is his health issue something that will resolve and let him go back to work?

Zanatdy · 15/12/2025 05:11

How are you managing on one part time wage? Is he likely to return to work? If he’s home all day then yes he needs to be doing drop off and pick ups and caring for his own children. Instead he expects you to work around school time only so he doesn’t have to do anything. I wouldn’t be putting up with this set up. Money must be incredibly tight.

suburberphobe · 15/12/2025 05:11

Doesn't want to take care of his own kids?!

That would put me right off him.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 05:13

of course you’re not being unreasonable?? Does he just think you should neither of you work?? Maybe some people think that but most of us don’t. I’d stop being so tolerant. Oh you had to do x did you? I missed the part where I twisted your arm until you did it - no wait, I was at work so it’s nothing to do with me except you find it satisfying to blame me for your choices. You have a very supportive wife who’s happy to work and also doesn’t expect you to do much at home, when did you last appreciate me? I can remember the last thousand times you had a go, that’s pretty much the last few weeks.

PermanentTemporary · 15/12/2025 05:16

I’d say get a full time job.

If he’s at home full time, then he is effectively moaning about his job, and he’s allowed to do that, but not to the point that it’s all he does, or it’s the first thing you hear when you come home.

Why on earth did you tell him not to bother with chores, and why isn’t he doing all drop offs and pickups?

Original poster

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

OP posts:

Justlostmybagel · 15/12/2025 05:24

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

Then he needs to get with the program of being a stay-at-home-dad.

Maybe suggest some counselling to him, if you think he's struggling with the change.

PermanentTemporary · 15/12/2025 05:24

Yes it’s very hard being stopped from work for health reasons. I do feel for him as far as that goes. However if he is physically able to do the drop offs and chores (not a given), he will probably find life a bit more satisfying if he contributes more.

Is he depressed? Sounds like it.

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 05:36

Well he needs to actually contribute to family life???

If he can’t work he needs to be caring for the kids/ home!

If he does neither then what’s the point of him being there? (Excepting profound disability of course.)

Sloelydoesit · 15/12/2025 05:44

So he can't work but can do household stuff despite his disability?
How much household stuff can he do? Hours per week for example

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2025 05:45

You should get a job around school hours? Is that so the one thing he does is now your job as well? Which makes him completely redundant since he does no chores and doesn’t work.

I feel for him being unwell and not being able to work. But complaining about the only job in the house is rich.

Artmumcreative · 15/12/2025 06:02

I'm a stay at home mum and I do pretty much all the childcare because I'm available to do it. That's just how it works. The person at work can't do as much home-based stuff.

YRGAM · 15/12/2025 06:05

Artmumcreative · 15/12/2025 06:02

I'm a stay at home mum and I do pretty much all the childcare because I'm available to do it. That's just how it works. The person at work can't do as much home-based stuff.

That's not the same thing though as presumably you're not medically unable to work.

OP whether your h is being unreasonable really depends on what his illness is and what he is physically and mentally capable of

Starrystarrysky · 15/12/2025 06:15

If there was a health reason why looking after the children was very difficult for him, that would be something to consider. The tone of your post is that he can but doesn't want to - in which case YANBU, you need to work and he needs to step up.

It sounds like he's taking his life frustrations out on you, as he can't moan at his body but he can moan at you. That's probably something you need to talk to him about, it's not ok to put that on you.

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:22

Why isn't he doing all drop offs and pick ups, assuming his health allows?

Why isn't he doing more at home?

You say he mostly does as he pleases, so is he doing things that are similarly challenging to cooking, laundry, school runs, money management etc? ie if he's capable of doing his own fun stuff he should also be capable of putting a wash on or cooking dinner?

ApolloandDaphne · 15/12/2025 06:25

How unwell is he? You would think he would be pleased you are bringing in money.

moose62 · 15/12/2025 06:25

Is he unable to get any job? Even one working from home? Or something part time?
If you are the only one working, he needs to fit around you. What is he bringing to the party, apart from moaning?

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 06:34

If he's always worked your DH having a hard time adjusting to having to give up, he's lost a big part of his life and resents becoming a SAHD. If you could get him to go to councilling it might help him to move forward and stop taking it out on you

Itsaknockout235 · 15/12/2025 06:36

I think it would help us if we knew the nature of his ill-health. Are we talking serious cancer diagnosis, or a ‘bad back’.

Regardless of his physical health, the best thing for his mental health is having a sense of purpose and feeling useful. Therefore, the assumption that he’s owed a carefree existence due to his health status, almost like a permanent holiday from worries and responsibilities, is the wrong one.

you can’t be expected to suddenly take on all the child-rearing (which is what he wants), cleaning and being the breadwinner to facilitate his perma-patient status. You’re his partner, not his servant.

Even if you did change jobs, there’ll be something else. I’ve seen threads like this before. It ends up with the carer having no friends or outside life, their entire existence subsumed into a caring role and any change is met with ‘Well how will I cope? I might as well end it all’. Yup, people really do that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2025 06:36

So he can’t work for what ever reason

doesn’t like you working

how do you survive on a part time wage

you prob need to increase hours

but equally he doesn’t want to look after own kids or do anything housework

what does he do ?

assuming you must love him lots as tbh I can’t work out why you are with him

mrssunshinexxx · 15/12/2025 06:40

If he’s safe and able to look after children / prepare meals etc is there really NO job he could manage?

Itsaknockout235 · 15/12/2025 06:43

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 06:34

Women don’t get to swan off to counselling when they’ve had a baby, had to give up a career and are feeling lonely. Why is it that men should need a counsellor to re-affirm their ‘woe-is-me’ status? If he went to counselling, all that would happen is his sense of entitlement will grow even more. If anything, he needs a life-coach.

Theonewhogotthecake · 15/12/2025 06:44

He’s lost a massive part of his identity and sounds like he is trying to adjust to his new role and struggling.

I would have a conversation about it, both your concerns, abilities and expectations. He might benefit from counselling. Is he claiming all the benefits he is entitled to?

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2025 06:44

He wants you to work around school hours so you can do your job and sort the kids out and do chores while he's not working! Do you really need to ask? He's a loser and he's not contributing.

olympicsrock · 15/12/2025 06:55

What does this man add to your life?

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