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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband always moaning when I go to work

137 replies

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:04

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

OP posts:

Eyeshadow · 15/12/2025 07:05

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 06:34

If he's always worked your DH having a hard time adjusting to having to give up, he's lost a big part of his life and resents becoming a SAHD. If you could get him to go to councilling it might help him to move forward and stop taking it out on you

I agree.
I was ready to say he’s BVU but actually I can see it from his POV.

He is struggling and unfortunately you’re the one taking the blame.

He’s not only lost his career and his identity, probably worrying about money if he was the main earner but also he’s got a health issue that will not improve and he knows it - it must be the scariest thing in the world.

I would definitely try and get him some counselling but I’d also suggest he looks into starting a business from home - something to give him purpose.

How come you only work PT?
Will you need to look for FT or will you be his carer?

LaneCaneCandy · 15/12/2025 07:07

He needs to do as much as he can and to be honest accept that this might be his life going forward. I retired on ill health grounds, I was early 30s already had children and became a sahm. I did what I could in the day, rested when needed and it is awful to go from having earned your own money from early teens to being reliant on someone else bringing home all the money. So there is a massive mental shift.

I just got into the mindset that this is my job, the house, the children, school runs, playground smalltalk.

However, what Dh and I both acknowledged was that looking forward to seeing each other after a day at work only for one person to be completely fucking miserable all the time would not be fun. We made a conscious effort not to vent all the time even though we both had really hard days at times.

I would tell him how much you look forward to coming home and it would be better if he didn't meet you with complaint after complaint.

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 15/12/2025 07:19

Totally depends on what his health issues are? Does he have a debilitating chronic illness or cancer, does he a degenerative disease like MS or MND?

Without us knowing this I don't think it is fair to pass judgment on him / the situation.

YellowCherry · 15/12/2025 07:24

Your DH sounds like he's being a big baby. However, if he used to enjoy his work, then I can see that having the weekdays off with the kids at school and you at work may not be as blissful as it sounds. He may feel bored and frustrated. And then you're at work at the weekend too.

I don't think you should get a different job if it means less money or you don't enjoy it as much. But if you could find a job that is just as good but means you could all spend weekends together, maybe that would be nicer for all of you? Maybe he could do more of the school runs so you could work longer hours in the week. It really depends on how difficult it would be for you to find another job with different hours, or if weekend work is typical in your line of work. I guess there's no harm in looking around to see what's available?

I agree with @LaneCaneCandy that you need to be honest with him about how awful it is for you to listen to him moaning all the time. If you agree to look for a new job he needs to stop moaning.

nomas · 15/12/2025 07:25

I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.

He absolutely should do his fair share of the housework.

Don’t sleepwalk into a situation where he stays home all day doing nothing whilst you do everything.

Lurker85 · 15/12/2025 07:28

Kick the prick out. Jesus. Have some self respect.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/12/2025 07:31

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

Poor sod. I'm not sure how I'd cope with such a diagnosis.

Edited to say: I'm sorry you're in this situation

Bestfootforward11 · 15/12/2025 07:33

Does he moan when your paycheck comes in? I suspect not. I have some sympathy in that not working can feel frustrating but then he needs to take active steps to have purpose in life. Sitting back and letting his wife do everything is not on and won’t work for either of you in the long term. I dont know the detail about his health but unless there is a practical reason why he can’t do things at home he needs to crack on. If he’s bored/ low he needs to identify some aims/goals eg could he do an online course to learn something new? Take up a hobby? All this of course depends on the health issue but just some thoughts. Best wishes

Ddakji · 15/12/2025 07:35

Itsaknockout235 · 15/12/2025 06:43

Women don’t get to swan off to counselling when they’ve had a baby, had to give up a career and are feeling lonely. Why is it that men should need a counsellor to re-affirm their ‘woe-is-me’ status? If he went to counselling, all that would happen is his sense of entitlement will grow even more. If anything, he needs a life-coach.

Show quote history

That’s an awful thing to say. Women absolutely should get counselling if they struggle with being lonely and stuck at home with the children. In the past those women sought refuge in Valium and the bottle. And in this day and age most women who stay at home have chosen to do so.

It sounds like he’s depressed. Don’t blame him. But he’s taking it out on the wrong person.

nc43214321 · 15/12/2025 07:36

Yes I would start working full time if I were you, for so many different reasons.

frozendaisy · 15/12/2025 07:40

How long are you going to put up with this?

I would last a day I reckon.

Rosecoffeecup · 15/12/2025 07:47

He's a lazy bastard

Bikergran · 15/12/2025 07:50

Whrn I was a child, almost 60 years ago now, my best friend's dad had severe rheumatoid arthritis. With none of the modern treatments, he had severely reduced mobility, weak twisted hands, and was in constant pain. Her mum worked full-time. This lovely man, with all his problems, did as much housework, laundry etc as he could possibly do, and a lot of the cooking. Your moaning husband has no excuse.

Anywherebuthere · 15/12/2025 07:51

Ddakji · 15/12/2025 07:35

It sounds like he’s depressed. Don’t blame him. But he’s taking it out on the wrong person.

Show quote history

I agree women should get have access to counselling too. But it's not so easy or free. Woman mostly just buckle up and get on with life. As this person should be doing (health permitting).

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2025 07:52

This all depends on what health condition he has.
you’ve said he can’t work at all ever again, but he does kids drop offs and parenting? So why can’t he be a childminder?
and that he can do as he pleases all day long?
the two of you seem to think that work is optional.
either you love this man so much that you’re willing to be his carer and do everything following some new health condition, OR he’s not unwell at all and brings absolutely no value to your life so it’s unclear why you’re still with him.

PollyPlumPeach · 15/12/2025 07:52

What are his health reasons for not working? Without this information we can't really comment on whether it is reasonable for him to do all the childcare or not

MummyJ36 · 15/12/2025 07:52

Politely, he can fuck off.

arcticpandas · 15/12/2025 07:53

So he's unable to work in the work he used to do- does he have transferrable skills? I know one man who broke his back at a construction site. He still works for the same company but with different missions; surveillance of work in progress, admin etc.

Could he atleast get a pt job in another field @LucieNoel ? Because he seems to be depressed due to the fact that he can't work so that should be a priority. If he gets a ft position then you could change to work around school hours but as for now he has to contribute with what he can.

I am a "forced" sahm. I wanted to be a sahm until my dc started school but since one is autistic and dh travels irregularly it won't work if I'm not on stand by for dc1 who often needs to be picked up from school where his hours are irregular anyway. So someone needs to be on standby. I do all housework, cooking etc and I got time in the day to go to the gym most days so I'm not unhappy. I could spend my time moaning about the cards being dealt ; dc autistic and the nature of dh's work making me housebound but I prefer to look at it from the bright side; I get lots of time for me. Even when doing house chores I can listen to pods, read alot, work out, learning Italian, am there for my 2 dc and can really help dc2 w homework and spend quality time w him (dc1 grumpy teen who just wants me to cater to his needs then be left alone).

You are not being unreasonable expecting your dh to step up!

itsthetea · 15/12/2025 07:53

Well it depends on the “health reasons”

I would expect that someone who could look after children for a day could probably be doing some kind of paid work too

so either YABU and he is too ill for that and that’s making him grumpy

or he IBU as he should be looking for work himself

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2025 07:54

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

What - like millions of sahm’s do you mean? Who do all the housework, and all the childcare too, and make sure their husbands dinner is on the table when he comes in from brining in the only income?

TheCurious0range · 15/12/2025 07:56

To be honest if he doesn't work you should be working full time

Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2025 07:56

Do the health reasons that mean he cannot work also make it difficult for him to do chores and childcare? Sounds very unreasonable of him to expect you to be the only one working but also do everything else.

Lennonjingles · 15/12/2025 08:06

Best of luck trying to find a job that fits his needs, most people I know that are out of work have been trying to get a job for up to 10 months. Tell your DH you will consider going for a job if he looks for one for you. Once he sees how little jobs there are, he may give up on that idea.

MNTouristhere · 15/12/2025 08:09

Not intending to offend but
I am struggling to think of a medical condition which would mean he can look after 2 children but not work at all. Is it that he can no longer do his previous job - in which case can he look for other part time work? If he really isn’t able to work?
if it is that he can’t continue previous job and doesn’t want to do other work then he needs to support you working (and earning money) by taking on more childcare and tasks in the home.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 15/12/2025 08:14

Is he unlikely to improve because he can't or unlikely to improve because he won't do the work needed to improve?

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