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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband always moaning when I go to work

137 replies

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:04

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2025 08:21

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2025 07:54

What - like millions of sahm’s do you mean? Who do all the housework, and all the childcare too, and make sure their husbands dinner is on the table when he comes in from brining in the only income?

Show quote history

SAHM's generally (with some exceptions) choose to be a SAHM which is a very different situation to watching your health decline to the point you can't work any more and becoming a SAHP through default.

I'd be depressed too.

daisychain01 · 15/12/2025 08:31

Lurker85 · 15/12/2025 07:28

Kick the prick out. Jesus. Have some self respect.

Brilliant analysis, thoughts and insights. Well done! The OP will learn so much from your approach.

Alpacajigsaw · 15/12/2025 08:33

Tell him to shut up or get off his own fat arse and get a job. What are these “health reasons” and are they a genuine impediment to work, or is he just bone idle?

zaxxon · 15/12/2025 08:34

TheCurious0range · 15/12/2025 07:56

To be honest if he doesn't work you should be working full time

Why, if she doesn't have to?

I agree that he's probably depressed and lonely, and is using you as a punch bag, which is totally unfair. Maybe you can try to reframe the situation for him: *You're clearly not happy, I hate seeing you like this, what can we do to change it?"

Sympathy and support will probably get you better results than criticism - although you'll have to have the patience of a saint, and then some!

EleanorReally · 15/12/2025 08:35

why does he find the school run difficult?

Paganpentacle · 15/12/2025 08:36

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

Then he has a new job... which involves housekeeping and looking after his own children.

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 08:40

He sounds like an arse. Why shouldn't he do chores if medically able to?

daisychain01 · 15/12/2025 08:41

It's heartening that some in here can at least appreciate the nuance that having any sort of long term health condition is bound to lower the DHs mood significantly and make them feel trapped in the home and therefore frustrated. These things are all related, and it's all too easy to dismiss him as lazy and useless,

It must have been putting such a strain on your relationship, @LucieNoel and here's hoping your DHs condition can be treated to increase his quality of life and then his mood will also lift. At the moment it must feel like bad news all round.

ETA the OP has not revealed whether his condition is cancer or a condition that deteriorates over a long period like Md, MND, or Parkinsons. So all you lot saying he's just a lazy fucker need to consider how you sound!

1apenny2apenny · 15/12/2025 08:41

Why can’t he work, what are his health reasons? Is there nothing he can do? Also why are you working part time and not full time? It must be very difficult financially, is that the cause is some of his moaning?

StandFirm · 15/12/2025 08:44

Itsaknockout235 · 15/12/2025 06:43

Women don’t get to swan off to counselling when they’ve had a baby, had to give up a career and are feeling lonely. Why is it that men should need a counsellor to re-affirm their ‘woe-is-me’ status? If he went to counselling, all that would happen is his sense of entitlement will grow even more. If anything, he needs a life-coach.

Show quote history

No. A kick up the backside, not a life coach which will cost money the household very probably needs. Being a sahp is a job and he needs to contribute something to the family without behaving like an entitled snowflake.

JFDIYOLO · 15/12/2025 08:44

Th health reasons:

Is he in excruciating pain?

Is he unable to move, walk, carry things?

Does he suffer crippling depression?

If any of these are so, is he taking responsibility for seeking, getting and using available help to manage his condition?

Or are you expected to accept he won't? And therefore do everything he can't?

InterestedDad37 · 15/12/2025 08:46

Tell him to face up to reality, and either pull his finger out or feck off.

ChloeMorningstar · 15/12/2025 08:48

Why can't he go to work?

flowertoday · 15/12/2025 08:50

If he can't work OP are there any other hobbies or interests he could pursue to give him a bit more structure / enjoyment/ purpose ? I can understand that it would be hard to be at home and out of work if that is not what he wants and there is no end in sight.
That aside he needs to parent his own kids. And do any housework/ home.stuff that needs doing when you are at work. Obviously. My mind is a bit blown that he can't see that. He is an adult and a father and a husband even if he can't do paid employment right now.
You need to do a job that you like and can manage. It isn't fair that he is moving the goalposts after you agreed the hours in your job would be Ok with him. Xx

LaneCaneCandy · 15/12/2025 08:50

@YellowCherry that advice was something that came from a book I read a million years ago about raising children in a positive way. It was mainly to do with men having a completely shit time at work, coming home and ranting at their wife about it. The therapist said when you pull your car into the drive, remember that the people in that house love you and want to see you. They are not responsible for the mood your boss/co-worker/other road users put you in so don't bring it home. If you do want to talk about it try to leave it until the children are in bed, and use a calm voice.

I of course was the sahm completely frustrated because I didn't choose it but Dh had nothing to do with my health. I wanted him to look forward to coming home. It was hard because if he asked how I was then the answer would honestly be in pain and very tired. Now he knew this, I knew this, it is just a statement of fact. He was as hands on as he could possibly be. He couldn't do more. So why rant at him?

There has to be acceptance of the situation, this is what it is. There is no point dwelling on what you wish it could be, that way madness lies. They need to talk.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 15/12/2025 08:51

You should get a full time job and he can take up the slack at home, lazy fucker that he is

Brefugee · 15/12/2025 08:53

LucieNoel · 15/12/2025 05:18

I get the impression he is envious that I’m able to go to work and he’s stuck at home. He has always worked up until he was unable to. The reason he can’t work is unlikely to improve.

he needs to be told that you will continue to work the previously agreed hours to keep having some sort of family income.
Or you tell him you will be going for a full-time role.

But he does need to come to terms with the fact that this is probably going to be his life for the foreseeable, and to accept that he needs to pick up the bulk of the parenting etc etc.

ElfieOnTheShelfie · 15/12/2025 08:53

It sounds like he’s saving up all his gripes and dumping them on you, which is not sustainable.

Who does he talk to during the day?
What is his “purpose” now?

If you say don’t worry about chores, what’s the point of him? He needs a goal and a purpose, and he needs some social contact. So many men don’t have friends they can turn to in a short or long term crisis.

If he can’t get out, he could become an AgeUK telephone befriender - it would give him someone to chat to and give him something to focus on a few times a week.

Can he do physio or other exercise? This would also be hugely beneficial

Boxingshibes · 15/12/2025 08:56

DH is unable to work now. It took me a while to get used to it. Luckily we have older children
I had a few threads about my resentment and him not stepping up. Which helped me vent and get some good ideas.
We had a difficult conversation.
Now he does more. All the dog walks, most of the cleaning and some cooking.
I work ft mainly wfh but with week long travel occasionally.

You do need to work ft
How are you able to afford on a part-time job?

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 15/12/2025 08:58

It reads to me in the OP that the reason OP is working part time is partly due to lack of trust that DP can actually look after the children.

I don't mean just in the physical sense, but with all the moaning it is sure to be dragging them down.

I'm not sure I'd want to work full time either with someone like that at home, but I personally wouldn't keep someone like that at home. If he's unwell but wants to improve and can improve then sure, support him short term, but if he is unwell, could improve but won't improve, get rid. If he is struggling with some sort of degenerative condition or chronic illness that can't improve no matter how hard he tries, the least he could do would be stop whining and realise the best thing to do is make the best of a bad situation every day.

Fearfulsaints · 15/12/2025 08:59

If he cant work is ge well enough to do this other stuff? Would you be better working more and getting a cleaner or mothers help?

Or is it just a mind set that he resents the home stuff as not what he thought he would be doing in life?

Its hard going from healthy to not being fit to work.

So if its that, i do think some structure, friends and a volunteer role might help a bit.

I know there is a gap between beinh fit for some limited work and what an employer wants, especially with fluctuating conditions, so thats why volunteer stuff can fit.

converseandjeans · 15/12/2025 08:59

He sounds really flakey. He wants you to work, do all the school runs & help with the housework & look after the kids. If he is being useless could you drop them at breakfast club on the morning he is supposed to take them?

What is his health issue? It’s hard to judge without knowing this.

Does he just stay in bed the other mornings when you get up with the children? It sounds like he resents doing any parenting at all. You would be better off without him tbh.

Brefugee · 15/12/2025 09:02

It reads to me in the OP that the reason OP is working part time is partly due to lack of trust that DP can actually look after the children.

so many people read so much into OPs

I would surmise that OH works part time because of having DCs and that makes it easier for her, and up to recently her DH worked full time.

He is clearly having problems with this, and as with so many SAHP has nobody to talk to during the day so is dumping on OP when she gets home. We don't know the reason for him having to stop work. There is a scenario where what he is providing at home is also too much for his health condition (or that he just doesn't like it, or that he is still adusting to it etc etc)

OP and her DH need to discuss the situation as it is, as they want it to look and reach a compromise that neither of them hate. And build on that.

BMW6 · 15/12/2025 09:04

What's the point of him?

DaisyChain505 · 15/12/2025 09:04

Have you reminded him that these are his children as well. Not just yours.

I understand he’s going through a tough time not being able to work but he doesn’t get to take this out on you and expect you to change your job so you’re working and doing school pick ups and running the house.

Don’t tip toe around this issue.