Husband always moaning when I go to work

[LucieNoel]

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like you are trying to make the best of a difficult situation and he is doing his best to make it intolerable to you.

I’d tell him this situation is not sustainable for you long-term and give him a deadline to find a solution. If he doesn't, i do think you need to move on as you deserve to be happy. He might be unable to work but he is not a child and it is not solely your responsibility to make this work.

Can you imagine if we all went crying off to counselling?

Like very many myself and most of my friends had to give up work when we had Number number two, It wasn’t viable for us to work and obviously it was out of the question that the big men’s job wouldn’t be affected

Does he find difficult due to his medical issues?

Sounds tough OP. Are his health issues getting in the way? Ie is it making it harder for him to look after the children which causes his moans?

I know people who manage to take their kids to school and back that can't work. One has MS and and another has an autoimmune condition. I'm currently unfit for work but can manage to get my daughter to and from school most of the week, I have help on days she has activities after as I can't manage that. There's other small things I can do but can't manage work because there is a cost to doing them. You might see me in Tesco to get a pint of milk and something for dinner. You don't see the half hour of rest I needed before that to have the energy to leave the house or the hour I spend in bed afterwards.

How disability impacts a person is hugely varied, one of the biggest problem many of us have is being able to do something reliably. When stable I can work close to full time as long as I can balance the rest of life but when unwell on a good week I might manage 1-2 days a week of low intensity work and on a bad week then only thing I can manage is getting my daughter dressed and out of the house to go to school. If I'm having 1 good week for every 3 bad weeks I'm going to really struggle to hold down a job.

One thing that is also causing massive problems currently in the employability of people with disabilities is the huge backlog in accessing support for reasonable adjustments in the workplace. The government Access to Work scheme has lengthy delays which puts a huge barrier in people getting new jobs as there is a long delay in the DWP assessment and provision of funds and equipment to allow people to do the job they are capable mitigating their disabilities - for example computer software for those that have sight loss. You try telling an employer that yes you would love the job but it will be 2-4+ months before you are able to do so.

OMG. The bigger question is how can we prevent these men who are not pulling their weight in childcare/ housework from wasting and ruining our lives. Has a solution been found to this?

Then he needs to adjust his outlook. Moaning at you isn't going to change anything, it's just going to chip away at your respect for him, until you just full-out resent him and his whiny behaviour.

He needs to say to himself - this is my life now, and it's good. I get to spend time with my children, I get to watch them grow, I get to guide them into adulthood. I matter to my children.

That way, he will feel happier/fulfilled and you will be happier too. Win-win. The glass is half-full.

Hello @LucieNoel
I feel your pain.

My DH has long-term health issues.
He does want to work (financially anyway) but I'm not sure he could hold down much work realistically as his tolerance levels are really low now, maybe the pain, maybe ?

He struggles with 'executive functions' so planning, decision making etc, again maybe the illness, maybe MH, maybe?

He does maybe 15% childcare, basically 2 pick ups a week, possibly 10% shopping, with a list provided, zero daily housework, cooking, cleanin, laundry etc, except rarely to bring washing in if raining. He does do some housework maintenance, DIY, type stuff, but it can take it out of him completely so he struggles with anything else.

I work almost full-time. I end up having to work my day off to make up hours BC I'm struggling with getting house jobs done on a daily basis as he done with childcare by the time I get in.

I love him and am concerned for his health and I can stand all of the above, but omg when he blames me BC we can't move forward with plans BC I haven't done something, like tidied toys or sorted laundry, cleaned the car. I looked at him yesterday while he was having a stress rant and thought how much easier it would be if he wasn't here. As to him resenting me making up my work time in my time off, ick, total passion killer.

It's killing our relationships, I wish the DH could see this.

My exH was medically retired before DD1 & DD2 were born. He did nothing! I was a SAHM after DD2 as he told me that if I wanted to return to work I needed to hire and pay for a full time Nanny. His illness didn’t stop him going to the gym, out for coffees, meeting friends etc just doing any housework, childcare, mental load stuff…as he said - if he was at work I’d be doing it all anyway. Just some of the reasons there’s an ‘ex’ before H.

Surely you need a full time job, @LucieNoel?

It depends on the health issue your husband is experiencing. If his health issue is making hard for him to look after the children, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

If his health issue is small enough that he can look after the kids once and a while without difficulty, then you are not being unreasonable and it might be best to consider whether you want to continue being in a partnership with someone who expects you to carry the load yourself.

It really depends on the health issue and to what degree it's limiting his abilities.

So what does he think should happen? You should work AND do chores AND do childcare while he does….nothing? Wtaf?