Husband always moaning when I go to work

[LucieNoel]

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

This is terrible of him. And if you want to work full time 9-5 and on weekends as the breadwinner of the household you should! He should be greatful to have a wife that wants to work too! My DH works full time and i work very part time, 1-2 days per week..when im not working, i take care of all school stuff, cooking and cleaning and DC so DH can focus on his full time job. It shouldn't be any different for your DH as the SAHP just because he's a man. Im so sorry youre having to cope with his attitude.

So why does he view looking after his children and doing household chores as not working, not contributing to the household

Does he only see paid work as meaningful and household and children wifey work

I think he needs to change his mysogynistic attitude

Maybe agree that an alternative solution needs to be thought of as he is clearly finding it too difficult to cope with the little he does do with out complaints

Maybe you need to up your hours to pay for someone to do what he can’t do

Even living on his own he would still have to do certain things like cooking, cleaning, laundry and shopping and as those are the things he finds hard may be you both need to look for an assisted living facility for him as quite clearly he wouldn’t be able to cope on his own

If he objects I would turn the table.

If he objects and can do all that without the constant complaints then why doesn’t he?

If he doesn’t like the fact he sees you go to work then that is also easily fixed. He can move out.

This is the type of thing some of my very happy single parent friends split from their exh’s
Exh wanted them to restrict their lives to do all the household chores, look after dc and bring money in going to work.
If they were going to do all that then what was the point of exh. What exactly was he bringing to the table

So he’s not working and doesn’t want to do chores or childcare either.
Well he’s a catch isn’t he? You must be thanking your lucky stars (not)

I understand his frustration at not being able to work but this is the life he is leading now and while the contribution he is making to your household isn't the one he planned - it's the one he has to make.

I would personally find it very difficult to live with someone who is effectively behaving like another child, refusing to take responsibility and not pulling his weight. He should be doing as many chores as he can while you're at work, and they're his kids - he can do school runs and a day of entertaining them at the weekend.

It can be hard - for men AND women - when your role changes from professional to parenting/domestic. I get it. But he needs to suck it up and start making a valuable contribution to the house. Could he be depressed?

can he do part time remote work?

if he doesn't do any household stuff he can't be lounging around most of the day and still complain about you working and wanting you to do more?

Present it to him as question -

why do you want me to do this, what will you be doing to counter these changes?

what do you think is a fair division of tasks for our family?

or write down all the tasks and get him to pick the 50% he thinks he should do and then stick to it.

I have a chronic autoimmune disease with resulting pain and fatigue.
I’m also a lone parent to a ND child and work full time.
As others have said OP, the nature of your husband’s illness/disease would give us a better understanding of your situation.

‘I don’t need a part time job that fits around school hours because there is a parent at home all day everyday, who else is going to earn a wage?’

Does he think he should be doing SFA all day everyday?

Tell him it's really draining to continuously have him moaning when you get back from work.

What he's effectively asking by wanting you to change your hours, is to do so the kid's stuff and the paid work.

I'd ask if he's considered the impact on you, if you changed your hours and did everything he's asking. I'd also suggest to him, that perhaps talking to a therapist to figure out what's underneath all this for him...as it could be resentment that you get out of the house or feeling bad that he's able to provide for his family.

He can Google low cost counselling in your area.

What exactly would he do in that case? Is it his health that makes it difficult to take care of the kids?

Your DH is a prick!!

If he's gone from working ft to not at all he is probably resentful of not being at work. However he's taking the frustration out in the wrong way. I wonder if some counselling might help.

For context my DH is FT, I am PT but with a long term health condition. He does all the school drop offs each week and one pick up because he wants to spend time with his children. I am able to do them all but he wants to share the load.

He sounds useless. Completely lazy.

The big difference @Itsaknockout235 is that the woman in most cases has actively wanted the baby and wouldn't want to go straight back to work, if the baby was unwanted and they were forced to keep it then yes, they would be unhappy. If @LucieNoel is getting constant moaning from her DH then maybe life coaching would help, either way it might make them both happier.

What exactly does he think his role should be? It sounds a bit as if he thinks you should do everything.

this.

Nonsense. Statistics shows that more women than men access counselling. According to NHS data, only 36% of referrals to NHS talking therapies are for men. Not saying that men just buckle up and get on with life but please don't spout rubbish which hard data directly contradicts

Are millions of SAHMs suffering from severe health conditions and unable to work?

That’s an incredibly negative take on counselling.

Fair point, but I think people might be a bit more sympathetic if they knew his condition, or not if it’s relatively trivial. At present they’re just going from the crumbs provided by the OP.

Many more than there are men. Is that relevant?

It’s stopping him from working, potentially forever. How trivial can that be?

If he can take kids to school and pick them up, he can work.

I know completely blind people that work full time. People with no arms and/or legs that work. They put OP's husband to shame.

Only if the job is taking people to school and back.

Im not sure what relevance one person being blind or another having no legs is to a person with a totally different condition not being fit to work. Being blind isn't ill.

There is a job for that. They’re called child minders.

Oh good, can you share what the OP’s DH’s health condition is that’s led him to stop working? You seem to have inside information so do share it with us all.

What’s he doing with his time? Not being able to work doesn’t mean he gets to be a lazy twat for the rest of his years.

What condition does he have?