Husband always moaning when I go to work

[LucieNoel]

Dh currently doesn’t work due to health reasons. I work part time.
As dh is the one at home he takes dc to school a couple of days a week and looks after them one weekend day.

For a while now he’s been complaining about this. Telling me I should get a job that fits around school hours and no way should I be working at the weekend ( we always have one weekend day free).
He knew the days/hours I was working and we both agreed it would be ok.

Im fed up of coming home to him moaning that he’s had to look after his own children. In the week he does one school drop off and one pick up. He has the rest of the day/s to do as he pleases. I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.
When I’m home we share any chores and that’s usually fine. Just seems when I’m at work he doesn’t like to do anything but chooses to do it anyway.

It’s tiring being at work and coming home to a moan. I can understand the weekend day as he has to find activities for our dc which can be tricky as they are different ages.

Ive told him how lucky he is to get to spend this time with dc. I don’t get a day with them without dh. I would quite like that as I don’t find it stressful.

Aibu expecting dh to look after our dc whilst I’m at work? If most agree I am, then I will look for another job that suits our family better.

He needs to do more, not less. The idea that he is at home doing nothing except the school run and you feel sorry for him for having to entertain his own children for one single day a week while you're at work is intolerable. This says that apart from a couple of school runs and one day at the weekend, you are doing everything else - working, childcare, all the domestic labour. Absolutely fucking not OP.

Is it genuinely a big physical and/or mental strain for him to do these tasks because of his illness? If it were a situation where he was really in pain because of it and it was MUCH easier for me to do the tasks than for him to do them, then would try to do more, but I wouldn't adjust my work hours to do so unless I already had a flexible work arrangement. Otherwise, he's being absolutely ridiculous and I think you just have to either tune out the whinging altogether or make it clear to him that you have no patience for his (apparent) attitude that his time is more important than yours. And I'd be expecting him to do his share of non-child-related household chores too.

Ball and chain...
YANBU.

Many SAHMs do have health problems, there are many threads about it on here. They don't get a fraction of the head patting this man has had from some. Many SAHMs also struggle when they stop working because they've lost a part of themselves and they, also, don't get a fraction of the head-patting.

What are the health reasons and for how long has he not worked? Is he getting treatment or likely to improve? If he genuinely finds to difficult to do school runs etc something needs to change but that might be him finding some pt work he can manage while paying someone to do the school run. What accommodations might he need and has he explored that? You sacrificing your income to facilitate him not working or helping is not viable. It sounds as if he would be no happier if you worked m-f .

It sounds as though his resentment is displaced- it is understandable to feel bitter about a health issue that has taken away his ability to work and provide but he needs to come to terms with that without punishing you and making you feel bad. School hour jobs are hard to come by and he needs to accept that family life is give and take and you have to contribute.

He either needs therapy to come to terms with the changes in his life or if his moaning is longstanding and exacerbated by his health issue then unfortunately it doesn't seem as though things will change.

You need to get a full time job, and he needs to actually do all of the housework and everything that comes with being at home doing fuck all.

Is he in physical pain or genuinely exhausted to the point of needing to sleep/rest doing absolutely nothing for most of the day because of walking to school and back (given he's unable to work for health reasons) or is he driving the children to school when actually he isn't allowed to drive with his health condition?

That would make him reasonable - presumably he is very unwell or very disabled by whatever is stopping him working?

If he's physically able to drive/ walk the children to school/ look after the children without pain or genuine debilitating exhaustion and just doesn't want to, of course he is wildly unreasonable and YANBU.

A lot on here don’t really understand the impact of a possibly serious health problem and having to give up work

Having children and staying at home is a choice. Disability isn’t.

But, as the OP hasn’t said what the health issue is, it’s hard to say.

No disability gives anyone the right to moan about doing housework, when your partner has already told you not to do it.

I'd love to know what the "health issue" is which means he isn't capable of working again...

This ^ He could well be struggling with the change and he feels unproductive in his role as a Stay at home parent. Men put alot of their self esteem into being the "provider"

Your question is impossible to answer without knowing why a man who can get his children to and from school and do housework if he chooses can't go to work.

I am baffled why you are doing any housework at all.

What was he doing with the children before having to give up work? Or did all childcare and household chores fall on you?

Have you actually spent time working out who does what and why and how much free time you both get? If you haven’t spent the time working out what you can both manage and how you can both recharge and try and stay happy then YABU.

You’re making out like he’s lazy but he’s actually unfit for work so this is a complex situation that needs planning and re-planning and checking in with each other regularly.

Ahh I see so he should sit around and contribute nothing whilst you do ALL the childcare and be the only working adult in the house.

id remind him that if that was to happen and you got a job round school hours he’d be surplus to requirements and can find somewhere else to live.

(and sorry about his ill health but seriously??)

There seems to be a distinct lack of compassion in some of the responses. What he is saying is unfair on you and the expectation is unreasonable but I think it's one for those cases where rather than focusing on the words you need to focus on what the words are trying to communicate. What I take from his comments is less that he wants you to change roles and more that he is struggling with his new role. I think I would focus on exploring what it is he wants support with and what can be done so that you can all get time and space to be rounded people and in this I would include time away from children for you too.

I became an unplanned stay at home parent in Feb when I was made redundant whilst pregnant. I'm also disabled so along with the pregnancy/maternity leave it's been hard to see what the future will hold for me work and career wise.

It was a quick change for me, literally 3 weeks after the announcement of redundancy I had had my last day. I found out I was pregnant the same day and plunged from working nearly full time to at home all day every day. I had a month or two of trying to find a suitable role and then settled into this unexpected role of SAHP/ housewife. I then got very ill in the third trimester of pregnancy and I was hospitalised several times, and was seen as an OP twice a week. I was unable to drive or look after my eldest. My partner found himself working full time, doing all the housework, childcare for our eldest and caring for me. Both of our parents were brought in to help but my partner still took the brunt of most of it.

It's taken time to recover since birth and since then my health relating to my disability has declined. So whilst I can do more than I could at the end of pregnancy I'm still reliant on my partner and our parents for support, it is a hard adjustment as for the last 3-4 years my disability has been stable and I've been able to function on a semi normal level. My sense of self is in flux at the moment so now having to find a new identity.

Things that have helped me over the last 10 months are doing the school run and rather than dashing back home again spending a few minutes talking to the other parents and where possible walking home with them. This 5-20 minutes of conversation twice a day has been an absolute lifeline. There's a few of us that have disabilities and additional needs and whilst our experiences are different there is understanding about how life can be different or difficult. Once or twice a month we do have a coffee together to have an hour or so of "child free conversation" which is well needed. When the weather is dry we do trips to the park once or twice a week and play dates after school. This has meant that in less than a year these people have gone from practical strangers to a support network. I feel I could call on any of them for emergency childcare and would be happy to do the same for them if able to do so on the day.
I'm in a walking group for others with my disability and that helps too.
I'm learning French through Duolingo, I try to do as much house work as I can. It is varied but I try to do enough so that come the weekend my partner only needs to do the cleaning as I've been able to keep on top of the tidying.

One thing we are both lacking at the moment is time away from the children. The best we are managing currently is a 30-60 minute bath each once a week. I used to do an online pilates class one evening a week. It was only 45 minutes but it was carved out regular time just for me. The thing I'm missing most from working is my weekly trip into the office. I'd commute by train and that 40 minutes each way was my opportunity to sit and read guilt free.

From my mind these are the things you might want to explore together

1. Connections with others most days for your partner, even if it's just a short chat to help with feeling isolated in his new life.
2. What chores around the house can he manage to do that makes the biggest impact to you so that when you aren't in work you have more quality time as a family
3. Find something he can do weekly that gives him time to be him and /or fulfill a purpose
4. Find a time for you to have some non-mum/wife time, even if it's just an hour or so a week.
5. Talk about how you both feel about the new dynamic to your relationship, what is working what isn't and what other changes there might be that don't involve you switching to a school hours based role.

having a baby is a choice, giving up work full time to be a sahp is often a choice, or at least one tied in with choosing to have a baby. being medically retired from work when youve always worked is not a choice, and can massively impact someone's self worth and role
he needs to stop whining and they need to make this work, but it isn't impossible that the situation is affecting his mental health

I agree, it’s hard to comment without knowing the reason why the OP’s DH can’t work? Is it that he can’t do the job he was doing before or that he can’t do any job?

Either way, he shouldn’t be taking it out on the OP. I’ve been unable to work for some years for health reasons (plus having a DD (now 16) with additional needs), and yes I have MH issues but I’ve gone for help rather than just taking it out on my DH. It’s no excuse for the way he’s treating his DW.

@LucieNoel this sounds similar to my situation in some ways. I work part time & that includes every other Saturday, 9-5. Although this year I have had 5 Saturdays as annual leave so actually only worked 21/52.

DH works full time. Mostly weekdays 9-5, but he is in event planning so it often includes some time at weekends & evenings.

I do most childcare & school/activity runs for our 3 Dses (nearly 17, 14 with SEN & 11). There are 2 activities between them most nights & weekend days. DH does 1 school drop off & 1 pick up per week. Most weekends he will do 1 football run, often 30-60 mins away. I take DS1 & 3 to football training at 8.30 every Saturday, whether I am working or not. I take DH tea in bed then he gets up with DS2 (can't be left alone due to seizures). I also cook dinner once home on Saturdays (usually quick oven food 🙈) & do all housework, shopping etc as well as homework.

DH absolutely hates the Saturdays I work & wants me to change jobs or ask my manager if I can not work Saturdays - which isn't possible. But I don't think he does himself any favours as quite often they do 'not much' in his words, which means lots of screen time, watching TV & not going anywhere apart from football training & taking DS1 to his match. Then the smaller 2 get bored & play up. But I do get that he wants a rest after a full week at work.

Your DP sounds like he is struggling too, but you shouldn't have to change jobs. I don't know what the answer is but sending solidarity.

That’s what he needs help with - support to adjust to his new way of being.

He’s got a lot of cheek to moan about you working, particularly if it’s not full time.

Many SAHMs also choose to be a SAHM and enjoy it which isn't a fair comparison. I also see more threads about that.

Even if some SAHMs struggle because they've lost a part of themselves, they have usually made the choice in the first place and usually think it's a good choice or they wouldn't have made it in the first place. Again, not really a fair comparison.

I don't buy that. If he is able to do drop off and pick up, he is able to work. Even part time at least.