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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DD21

135 replies

Riverz · 15/12/2025 03:38

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

OP posts:
FestiveBauble · 15/12/2025 04:02

I think driving when really tired is dangerous - however we all function on different levels of sleep. My level of tired could be totally different from someone else’s.

As a one off I could definitely be safe doing that drive, even if I’d had little sleep the night before. If I’d had a week of poor sleep, that would be different!

Firefumes · 15/12/2025 04:15

Honestly I think you sound very concerned but potentially overly so given she’s a grown adult, isn’t alone, and has a car? I could understand the worry for a lone teen daughter on public transport…but that isn’t her situation.

To a certain degree as a parent you’re going to worry, but you also have an adult and perhaps you need to ease up.

I think from your perspective you’d be better off just saying if she needs you, to contact you, no matter what you’ll come get her in an emergency. And then trust her and let yourself go to sleep instead of waiting up for her.

and honestly I think part of this is why adults shouldn’t live with their parents! I’m in my 20s and briefly moved in with my parents after uni before moving back out - as I just needed independence back. It’s not unusual for someone who’s 21 to be out at 3am.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 05:12

She still hasn’t come home or let me know she’s ok since 2am

I can see she’s in the same place so am I assuming she’s ok? She’s been in a public car park for 6 hours

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 15/12/2025 05:35

Presumably she's asleep in the car then.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 15/12/2025 05:39

This is why I removed DD from that ‘find a phone’ thing on my iPhone … drove myself mad looking at that.

Try and get some sleep OP. She’s prob with a fella.

user0987637829 · 15/12/2025 05:42

I think you may need to try and relax. And definitely don’t get annoyed with her. Days before phone trackers/find my phone, my parents would have no idea where I was all weekend, especially since I no longer lived at home from aged 19.

Lookingforthejoy · 15/12/2025 05:42

The issue here is your anxiety which is effecting you’re behaviour - the constant checking where she is.

At 21 I had so much more energy than I do in my 40s. It was like a super power compared to now.

AmberSpy · 15/12/2025 07:03

It sounds like you're tracking her, if you can see where she is? This sounds rather unhealthy if I'm being honest. Absolutely no need to be doing that with a fully grown adult.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:06

I’ve had her on the tracking since she started secondary school

I do think I am anxious however she’s in a place she doesn’t know with a friend she has only recently met and I don’t know who they are, it’s the middle of winter and she is asleep in a car. The whole thing is a bit off and also unusual

OP posts:
AmberSpy · 15/12/2025 07:26

Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:06

I’ve had her on the tracking since she started secondary school

I do think I am anxious however she’s in a place she doesn’t know with a friend she has only recently met and I don’t know who they are, it’s the middle of winter and she is asleep in a car. The whole thing is a bit off and also unusual

She's an adult, it's really none of your business. When are you going to turn off the tracking? When she's 25? 30?

Think about this situation from the perspective of a bystander. You've been up most of the night watching exactly where your grown adult daughter is and stressing about it. It's causing you so much anxiety that you've come to Mumsnet to post about it. But this is all totally unnecessary – you don't need to know where she is every second of every day. You have done the hard part of parenting and produced a young adult who works, drives, and has a social life. You have to trust her to manage herself. After all, I'm willing to bet that nobody was tracking you when you were her age, but you appear to have survived.

Alicorn1707 · 15/12/2025 07:29

Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:06

I’ve had her on the tracking since she started secondary school

I do think I am anxious however she’s in a place she doesn’t know with a friend she has only recently met and I don’t know who they are, it’s the middle of winter and she is asleep in a car. The whole thing is a bit off and also unusual

@Riverz you really do have to let her fly, she's 21

Motheranddaughter · 15/12/2025 07:31

Show her some respect and switch off the tracking
And go to bed and leave her alone

verycloakanddaggers · 15/12/2025 07:32

Has she consented to being tracked?
It feels unhealthy and unhelpful to be monitoring her movements.

If you have genuine cause to worry then phone her.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 15/12/2025 07:33

Stop being such a controlling nosy parker. Can’t believe you’re nagging a 21-year old by text in the early hours of the morning.

BitOfAWeirdo · 15/12/2025 07:33

She's an adult. Stop tracking her. Delete the app right now.

My mother is controlling like you. I now keep her very much at arms length and only have superficial conversations with her.

EmeraldDreams73 · 15/12/2025 07:34

I'd be worrying too (my dd is also 21) but unless you have reason to believe she's vulnerable mentally (eg poor mh or SEND) I'm afraid I think you need to turn off the tracking. It's not good for us to know everything they're up to, maternal anxiety is bad enough without that. She's prob talking to/hooking up with a guy but gently, let her get on with it and focus on your own emotions.

Oneearringlost · 15/12/2025 07:38

I don't understand tracking. If you track someone, surely its with their consent, and can they turn it off on their phone?

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 15/12/2025 07:41

YABVU.

I have a DS 21 and DD 22. Neither living at home (one at Uni and the other just graduated and living in London). I have never had a tracker on either of their phones, I just don't understand why you need to be tracking her at 21. You have to stop with this micro managing her life and let her be an adult, all of your worrying and anxiety will only end up affecting your relationship with her.

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:42

Yes she has consented we all follow each other and have done for a decade. She could turn it off if she wanted to. She’s not forced to be on the app and could take me off it

I just couldn’t sleep even when she did message me to say she was ok, I was beyond the point of being able to nod off unfortunately. I really did try to get to sleep

I think she is only vulnerable emotionally tbh, she hasn’t long broken up with her long term boyfriend.

OP posts:
GrannyTeapot · 15/12/2025 07:42

Give her some privacy!! Just because she’s doing her life different to how you would doesn’t give you the right to spy on her. Chatting, having sex, sleeping, dancing around an impromptu bonfire, staring in to space, all are valid behaviours because SHE IS AN ADULT!!

firstofallimadelight · 15/12/2025 07:43

She’s an adult you have to trust her to make her own decisions. And remember how you would feel in her situation is not necessarily how she feels. At her age I absolutely could have felt fine on a few hours sleep. Now I’d be like the walking dead! It’s not fair on her for you to project your worries onto her. If you can’t sleep that’s for you to manage. You need to step back a bit and leave her to navigate herself

Oneearringlost · 15/12/2025 07:53

"Yes she has consented we all follow each other and have done for a decade. She could turn it off if she wanted to. She’s not forced to be on the app and could take me off it"

Oh, OK, that's more reasurring...( Sorry, not for your situation, OP). I understand now. With so many people tracking each other, I thought it was something the 'trackee' had no control over.
My DC are all in their 20s. It's never crossed my mind to track them. I'd say, for me, and them, its not a very healthy thing to do with adult, generally sensible adult children, ( though, I do note, OP, that you worry about your DD21 being vulnerable.)

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 07:59

We just all joined Apple family 10 years ago and you share music, location, photos etc.

they have their own Apple ID now but we all still in the same family. I’m not tracking DD behind her back but appreciate it’s not healthy and I feel bad about it. I honestly want her to have an amazing time and go live her life and she knows this - but being in a car park in winter was odd and unusual?

OP posts:
Hobbitfeet32 · 15/12/2025 07:59

You’re tracking her phone not her. Her phone could be in the car and she might be somewhere else. You need to stop tracking her and chill out. Tracking her phone and needing to know where she is doesn’t actually keep her safe

once1caughtafishalive · 15/12/2025 08:01

Shes 21, an adult.

If you suffocate her like this she will pull away.

We all did silly things like this at this age, and she needs privacy. Imagine if your mum had been up all night watching your location and messaging you constantly! It would have sent me loopy