Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DD21

135 replies

Riverz · 15/12/2025 03:38

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep

It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink!

I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep?

I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet

I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:01

Hobbitfeet32 · 15/12/2025 07:59

You’re tracking her phone not her. Her phone could be in the car and she might be somewhere else. You need to stop tracking her and chill out. Tracking her phone and needing to know where she is doesn’t actually keep her safe

She did reply to me she’s ok. I just couldn’t sleep. And she slept in the car so she wasn’t irresponsible to drive. So now I feel triple bad about it. I’m not annoyed with her. Just with myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:02

If I was to apologise is that a good idea? What should I say? I do feel bad now

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 15/12/2025 08:03

Give yourself a break. I think any mum who had a 21 year old daughter asleep in a strange car park would worry.
Yes, I know she’s an adult but that doesn’t mean you give up being concerned.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 15/12/2025 08:32

I’d tell her that you think that you went too far last night, pestering her when she should be having a good time with her friends and when she was trying to sleep. That you trust her to make good decisions and so don’t think you need to track her - that it is a hangover from when she was little but that is now unnecessary. And that you are going to delete the app, and relax a bit.

AmberSpy · 15/12/2025 08:36

Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:02

If I was to apologise is that a good idea? What should I say? I do feel bad now

I think this is one of those cases where an apology is only meaningful if it is accompanied by change. So in this case no more tracking and no more pestering when she is out.

WinterWooliesBaa · 15/12/2025 08:50

I'm glad she contacted you this morning to say she is fine xx. You don't stop worrying when they turn 18.

having said that, at 19i was travelling around Europe. By car, with a friend for a few months & sending the very occasional postcard 😳

I don't think you need to remove the tracking app, they can be very useful in an emergency, but you need to retrain yourself not to keep looking at it otherwise.

WinterWooliesBaa · 15/12/2025 08:55

ThisJadeBear · 15/12/2025 08:03

Give yourself a break. I think any mum who had a 21 year old daughter asleep in a strange car park would worry.
Yes, I know she’s an adult but that doesn’t mean you give up being concerned.

Yeah. This.

Maybe a 'sorry if it annoyed you, but I was worried about you'

But no need to go over the top apologising. She could have removed your ability to track her if she'd wanted to, but hasn't.

BitOfAWeirdo · 15/12/2025 08:57

Christ I'm glad that my parents weren't able to track me at 21, I was up to all sorts!

And I turned out fine. I'm now a boring 51 year old who goes to bed early.

Screamingabdabz · 15/12/2025 09:00

Aw op, I’ve been there. My dd would be out until all hours and I would be awake all night checking to tracking every hour and freaking out if it didn’t update etc. I’d always imagine the worst. I know people say it’s controlling and she’s a grown adult but when you love them and are aware of how young and naive they can be, you can’t just switch off. It would be like telling someone to stop breathing.

I came to just treat it as a way of life. If she said she was out clubbing on a Friday I’d think ‘well that’s me up all night’. My issue. Not hers. I’d never hold her back from enjoying her life but I’d always just fret until she was home safe. At least she trusted me enough with allowing tracking. And it’s never come between us - we are still close. Because she absolutely knows I love her and her safety is my concern - not curtailing her freedom.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:03

She’s 21 years old - leave her alone and stop treating her like a child.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:04

Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:02

If I was to apologise is that a good idea? What should I say? I do feel bad now

Don’t apologise unless you’re actually going to change your behaviour.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 09:06

Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:01

She did reply to me she’s ok. I just couldn’t sleep. And she slept in the car so she wasn’t irresponsible to drive. So now I feel triple bad about it. I’m not annoyed with her. Just with myself

Show quote history

You have to let her be an adult , now i don't know why she is sleeping in her car she does sound a bit reckless, but you are tangled up in her life, untrack her ask her to text you if she plans to stay out and go to sleep,

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 09:07

Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:02

If I was to apologise is that a good idea? What should I say? I do feel bad now

What are you apologising for ?

Brefugee · 15/12/2025 09:07

sorry, OP, i know it is worrying, but she is 21 and you have said your piece.

You need to talk to her about expectations in future. If she lives with you she is to be back by X or let you know where she is. That kind of thing.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:08

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 09:07

What are you apologising for ?

Show quote history

For treating her adult daughter like a child?

Brefugee · 15/12/2025 09:10

Riverz · 15/12/2025 08:02

If I was to apologise is that a good idea? What should I say? I do feel bad now

no need to apologise.

For your own mental health i think you need to delete the app, or hide it so it is a faff to check (to put you off obsessing about it)

But you both need to talk about how your relationship works now she is an adult living in your house earning her own money. It is hard, but you have to let them go.

rainbowstardrops · 15/12/2025 09:14

Don’t worry about the tracking thing, loads of people in the real world have the apps on their phones. Certainly people in my little corner of the world. It’s only in MN parallel universe that it’s frowned upon so much.
I’d have been worried too. You don’t suddenly stop worrying once they turn 18!
I’m glad she’s let you know she’s ok now.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/12/2025 09:21

Yanbu. There are many studies about the driving tired that show the effects are similar to drunk driving. It's dangerous for your daughter and others. And people would be saying to report to the police if she was driving drunk. People have been prosecuted for having an accident after driving when they were clearly too tired to do so safely.

Cynic17 · 15/12/2025 09:23

OP, please stop tracking her! She's an adult - she absolutely doesn't need to be tracked.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 09:25

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:08

For treating her adult daughter like a child?

Show quote history

Do you have young adult children?

Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:27

Cynic17 · 15/12/2025 09:23

OP, please stop tracking her! She's an adult - she absolutely doesn't need to be tracked.

We all share tracking, they also track me. I don’t have it with my DH though.

She has freedom to remove me

It’s really useful as often I will just check she drove safely and not text her at all. She also uses it to check if I am home or at work

I just feel bad at not trusting her, treating her like a child and also bothering her while she was having a good time. It was quite out of character for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:32

I was once a young woman myself and had some very bad experiences being assaulted by men. Usually my concern is mainly she is a young female and women are statistically likely to be harmed by a man.

OP posts:
NoelEdmondsHairGel · 15/12/2025 09:40

I’d explicitly ask her if she still wants to be tracked. It feels like it is useful to help with your anxiety rather than something for her.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 09:41

Oneearringlost · 15/12/2025 07:38

I don't understand tracking. If you track someone, surely its with their consent, and can they turn it off on their phone?

Well yes. But if you are sat up until 5am tracking your (grown adult) child's location, do you really think she would take well to her DD turning the tracking off?!

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 09:42

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP. My eldest (late teen) actually asked me for tracking to be used, I don't mind my two seeing where I am, DH doesn't have it on and that's fine.

I think if your 21 year old is living at home still then of course it is going to be different to the level of interest you take in their whereabouts. If my DD was in a car park for six hours even at 21 I would be concerned. It isn't something I would have done at 21 as it is not exactly 'typical' behaviour. Of course, when I was 21 I went to parties, went to clubs, but no, not a car park for six hours I mean unless they are 'boy racer" type that's pretty unusual. Mumsnet is going to offer a range of opinions that include posters where disinterest from their parents was their norm but like now all sorts of parents existed in the past and my Mum still worried when I went out at 18 and stiil living at home until I got in she was worried. Obviously, when I moved out, she wasn't there to worry.